On getting a new name.

After many years of daydreaming, and several months of fairly intense planning, last month I became a "Mrs." It all seems to have passed by in a bit of a blur, as it is already almost 4 weeks since the big day. Once we had finished celebrating Christmas last year, it felt as though time just disappeared as we awaited April. There was so much planning to be done, decisions to make and paperwork to submit. Most evenings I would sit and think about the wedding; searching for inspiration, collecting decorations or just imagining how the day might go. As it got closer, it took me longer and longer to get to sleep at night - not because I was particularly stressed, but because I was trying to imagine the scene...how our boys might react, what it might look and feel like to walk down the aisle, would there be enough food for everyone... All the things I've thought about for as long as I can remember! 

Once the day came, it truly was everything we'd hoped it would be. It passed by in a flash as most people said it would, but it was a colourful, happy, relaxed and (thankfully) sunny day! It was so special to have our closest people in the room with us, and I was personally so grateful that so many people had travelled over to be with us. It was both surreal and beautiful to see everyone in the place I now call home - and I loved that most people made a bit of a holiday of it so they could explore Northern Ireland and hopefully understand why I fell in love with this "wee" place. I spent the following days just looking over all the pictures, trying to take it all in that our big event had actually happened - all the planning came to be and we were now man and wife. I think in many ways that is still sinking in for me. I am busy trying to change my name wherever I need to (but mostly keep forgetting when people ask me what my name is!) I have a new email address at work which still feels a little strange to see, and if I've had to make any arrangements, it has felt a bit odd saying "I'll ask my husband..." 

Perhaps it is taking time for me to process it all because life soon went back to normal - the busy week to week of juggling everything, trying to make time for ourselves and for each other. I've also recently learnt of the phenomenon of the "post wedding blues," which I think probably describes my current state of mind quite accurately. It's such a strange feeling after focusing on something for so long to suddenly have it be over and done with, and life just continue as normal. I think it's probably fair to say that a lot of us dream about our wedding day for many years before it happens, imagining our dress, our songs and what our new name would sound like. It's not a sadness that I'm feeling, it's more of a slight feeling lost without having that big focus. It's a feeling that certainly won't last forever, and I've had some really helpful conversations about it this week that have helped me to emerge from my rut! Recently, we have kept our last few weekends very low key and relaxed to try and give ourselves a break, but I also got the urge to start spring cleaning, so we have done a lot of clearing out and changing a few things in the house that have long been on our list that we could now arrange. I finally got myself my dream mixer which has already been put to use, and we updated some pieces of furniture to make our living room a bit cosier. 

Wedding planning was a nice creative outlet for me - I loved designing all our stationery and signs and bringing the theme together, so I have made a list of other things I could do to keep my creative juices flowing. Reading is still a hobby I love, but I've found myself drawn to the kitchen again to try out recipes that I've wanted to try for ages. I made my first loaf of soda bread this week - an Irish staple - which was so easy and delicious (but didn't stick around long!) I would love to set a few hours aside each week to batch cook some nice homemade snacks and freeze them, so that is high on the agenda. 

I've also realised that I need to spend more time by myself - even just going for a quick evening walk - just to ground myself again after a busy day. I want to make the most of the light evenings and hopefully enjoy a few sunsets. I'm sure I've said this so many times before, but I still feel guilty for doing this now that I have the boys, but we all know it is important for me and benefits all of us, so I need to place myself a bit higher on the priority list. For now, what I really want to do is allow myself to slow down. To enjoy this new season we're in, to soak it all up without thinking what's next. To be present in the moment, to make memories,  to enjoy the presence of friends and family. I know I have written about gratitude several times before - but I just want to bask in that for a while...gratitude for our health, our love, our wonderful boys, a place to call home, jobs that provide for us and especially mine that offers so much compassion and flexibility for our young family circumstances, the opportunity to have ticked things off our "dream" list for the house, for friends and family who love and support us, for the chance to live in such a beautiful place, for the nature we are surrounded by and for the simple things in life that bring us joy. 

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On seeking peace.

Looking outside today (4th August), it's hard to believe we're still in summer. I am an autumn person through and through, it's by far my favourite season with all the colours I love, the best comforting food, the cosying up, the crisp air and crunchy walks. I know people think we shouldn't wish time away, but for us, we are entering another new season, so no-one is to stop me bringing out my 'fall decor.' 

Our beautiful Zach is somehow already 6 months. We struck gold twice as he is such a contented, laid-back, resilient boy. Weaning is underway and his two bottom teeth have broken through, with many others to follow according to the dentist after he aced his first appointment. Zach is just happy to be here, and we can't imagine life without him. We are also very grateful that he is now consistently sleeping through the night after a few months of pure exhaustion! Finn is as busy and as curious as ever. He runs everywhere. Most weekends we try squeeze in a visit to soft play so he can be wild and free. We go to different parks as regularly as we can to give him the chance to explore and play, and we are so lucky to live nearby so many great outdoor play areas. I took both boys to a park this week and I just laughed and laughed watching Finn run around the place. His joy is so contagious and it was a good reminder as an adult with lots of responsibilities that we can and should have moments of carefree fun. I wish I could bottle some of what Finn has when he's doing what he loves the most, and I hope we can protect that sense of freedom for as long as possible! 

The new season for us is that I have now officially returned to work. It feels like an awful lot to juggle, and with every twist and turn we've faced, it has often felt impossible to see a way through it as it begins, but somehow we have made it work. So, I'm reminding myself now that we can and will do it. I will be working part-time as before, so at least we don't have to navigate a full week of both of us being at work. But we are ready to implement some changes next month that should allow us to manage the load better between us, and give us a greater sense of control over our schedules. 
Over the last few months, we have been through a lot of different hardships, ones which are personal to us, but have tested us to the limit in various ways. Tom and I have talked at length about how we find a better balance for us as individuals, as a couple and as a family unit and I am confident that moving forward we will be in a much better place. Having two children under two is chaotic and challenging. Generally we don't sit down to rest until 8pm or 9pm after being on the go for 12 or more hours. The task list feels neverending, and we find ourselves to be quite overstimulated some days. We both know we need to invest in ourselves more and ask each other for the space we need to reset our batteries, especially as we are both introverts. For me, I have found my solace in reading, my lifelong favourite hobby, and am enjoying escaping to a good book every evening. I have joined the library again and signed up to their monthly book club which should introduce me to some new people as well as encouraging me to read different things. I've read two of their past recommendations recently which I probably wouldn't have chosen by myself, and somewhat devoured them. I always gravitate toward non-fiction, particularly travel writing or memoirs as I am fascinated by people's journeys and what life has taught them. However, they usually give me the urge to do something radical like drop everything and move to a tiny island. The problem is that Tom would also be in favour of that, so I'd better read something different for a while!
Writing, as I'm doing now, is also one of my favourite outlets. I have a few blog posts in mind, so I'd like to dedicate some down time to that. I enjoy sharing our updates and experiences, and I'd like to expand the blog to something beyond what it has been the last few years,  which is more of a holiday card update every few months. Tom finds his escapism in gaming, so it's nice that we can do our main hobbies simultaneously! This last weekend we were able to enjoy our first roadtrip in a while and that was a special day for us. We know it's something we need to do more often, as travelling gives me back my sense of freedom, and finding new places always re-energises us and helps us to make new memories together. It feels like our 'thing' as that is what we like to do on our holidays - have a place to stay as a base, but spend our days exploring as we go with no set itinerary. 

These are the things that give us our peace back; that and watching our boys laugh and frolic. And these are the things that will become our priority as we continue through the early years of raising our family. 
I just realised at this point that I have forgotten to share probably our biggest news which is that we are engaged! Back in April, Tom arranged for a day out just the two of us to visit our favourite place where we had our first date (and many since then) and got down on one knee overlooking my beloved lake view which I have approximately 1 gazillion pictures of in different seasons. (The best time to take in that view is autumn!) Of course, I said yes. 

Our wedding plans are in full swing with all of the biggest things in place. We only have a few things left to organise which I am trying to spread out over the next few months, and some things need to wait until a few weeks before. But I certainly don't need to be a bridezilla as I've had a secret board on Pinterest since circa 2009, so this wedding has been planned in my head for many years. Of course I never imagined it would take place in Northern Ireland with our two boys in little suits and dickie bows, which all adds to the magic of it. We get married next spring in a beautiful venue overlooking the Lough after 5 1/2  years of being together and exactly one year of engagement. Most of my daydreams feature the wedding at the moment, and it is so wonderful for us to have something so special to look forward to. 
For now, I will conclude this post and spend the last couple of hours starting a new book before turning in. We have a very busy week ahead of us as Tom has to work some of the weekend too, but I am glad to have some extra helpers on hand to share the load. 
Love,S 

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