I've been thinking about friendship a lot lately. As a lot of my friendships have changed of late, it has caused me to sit back and think about which are true friends, ones which will no doubt be life long, and those which are fleeting or seasonal. Both are important, as both teach us great life lessons - good and bad. I suppose that i've been forced to reflect on this subject for sad reasons. As mentioned in
this post, I decided recently to make a few changes. I left a community that I was a part of for around 8 years of my life and have found the aftermath of that quite hurtful in all honesty. I don't wish to go too much into that as in time, I will learn to forgive those who have hurt me, many of whom were very close to me, and move on. This isn't the place to detail it all. However, one thing that decision has taught me is what a true friend should be.
Friendships have the power to shape who we are, for we are influenced by those whom we love and respect. Through good frienships we can be changed, improved, hurt, blessed and strengthened to name a few. I think this is a beautiful thing, this notion of living life together with others:
'[Great Satisfaction] to me is in being with people I am fond of and feeling that in some small way I can help make life happier or more interesting for them or help them to achieve their objective. To me that is much more important than anything else in my life.'
Eleanor Roosevelt, You Learn By Living.
When I say 'true friends,' I'm not simply talking about someone who 'does' big things for you all the time, maybe lending you money, letting you sleep on their couch, going on holiday with you etc, though that might be nice. I find that smaller acts of friendship mean more to me, though they may be insignificant to others. For me, the kind of friends I want to spend my life with are those who will text me to see how my day has been. Just because they care. Or those who had a quiet night planned but can see I really need to talk to someone - so they take me to the pub. Even those who I can sit by the fire with a cup of tea and a piece of cake, catching up on what's happened in our weeks. People I can bare my soul to in one breath and laugh out loud with the next. For me,
true friendships involve sacrifice on both sides - when one needs to talk, the other one is there to listen and vice versa. There are the ones where you don't see each other for weeks, and then pick up exactly where you left off. The ones where you never run out of anything to say. The ones where it's ok to sit in silence together. The ones that last.
You see, I've started an 'introduction to counselling' course, and just went to my second meeting this evening. It's surprised me how much i've learnt in 4 short hours, but some fascinating insights have come out of it so far. It's taught me to look at some friendships in a different way (sometimes these things are dangerous for me because i'm naturally so analytical - nobody is safe haha!) - and it's helped them make sense to me. I'm used to being a listener and advice giver - and though I
love that role, and feel blessed by people who feel comfortable enough to open up to me, this course has taught me that with some friendships it is unlikely that the tables will be turned due to the nature of our relationship. For example, you may have a friend who you
always listen to. When you try and open up to them, their reaction may not be so positive and they may not cope with it. In this case - you may need to seek advice from someone else!
Another thing we discussed was the change in the need for community in todays society compared to in the past. Of course, this affects our friendships too.
'Today we are encouraged to be more self-sufficient and independent and may live and work away from close friends and relatives. It can be more difficult asking for help - [we may think] it is a sign of 'weakness' or 'neediness.' When we lived in smaller communities, families, friends and neighbours helped each other on a daily basis and were uninhibited in asking each other for help.'
(taken from my course notes)
We are afraid to say we need each other, to ask each other for help, advice, guidance, a shoulder to cry on when indeed we should feel able to do this every single day. We weren't created to do life alone, we were created to live it together, learning from each other. I admit, that some of my friendships have ended because I had tried to ask for help, making sure I was as honest as possible - and was not helped and cared for in the way I needed to be. I do not want to sit here and feel bitter, or let down by them - I want to be thankful for the good seasons we shared and move on to work on the amazing friendships I have since been so blessed with. For our own good, sometimes it is the right thing to do, to let go of some friendships and accept them for what they are. But other times, we can enjoy the ones we have that will make sure we feel loved no matter what!
Much Love xxx
