On preparing for change.

And just like that, our first Christmas as a 'three' has come and gone. Plus, my first birthday as a mummy! We had a wonderful, albeit busy, time with family visiting from England and it was special to celebrate it together as it was the first Christmas without our Gran. We have already taken down the decorations so we can spend the next few days quietly resting. Which is now more important than it was a few days ago as we have both been struck with whatever virus is going round & we are trying to protect the baby from catching any form of it. As we look ahead to a new year, I always like to take time out to reflect and to think about what is to come, so this seemed like the perfect time to do that. 

For us, 2022 was the year that gave and took away. We found out early on that I was pregnant so that of course changed the trajectory of everything. I remember sitting down the first week of January getting so organised, writing goals |& thinking of what I wanted to achieve, only to throw them out the window two weeks later. From then, I ended up having to change my job unexpectedly in March which was a huge cause of stress, followed by our landlord sending us a WhatsApp message (!) to say she was selling the house right after we had confirmed that we were going to stay another year. With 3 major things happening at once, it felt like everything was up in the air & I didn't know how we'd get through it. Thankfully, by the time we had our first scans and follow ups, we knew everything was fine with the baby, I settled in to my two new part-time jobs and we moved to a house much more suitable to welcome a newborn. 

The stress began to subside slightly once we had finally unpacked & settled into the house & we had our next scan to find out the gender. In the summer, we were able to travel back to England to catch-up with everyone & to have my baby shower. It was such a special time for Tom to finally be able to meet more of my family and friends & sadly it would be the last time I was able to see Gran in person. We were visiting during a heatwave, so being quite pregnant in 30+ degree heat was not an easy experience & we were pretty glad to get back to a much cooler NI! That was really our only break all year so we hope next year to be able to plan a little holiday as paternity leave did not count as rest!

As I wrote recently, Finn arrived 12 days late but he was perfect nonetheless. Since then, we have been enjoying parenthood & watching him grow & change every day. We got through his first vaccinations which I found harder than he did & his next ones are around the corner. We also had a surprise visit to A&E with him due to a high temperature but thankfully everything was fine & he handled it like a champ! Just a few weeks ago, after her quite rapid decline, we lost Gran. Navigating that loss from a distance, whilst juggling the highs & lows of motherhood & ever-changing hormones has been very challenging for me. It has been so many juxtaposing emotions at once. Such a picture of the realities of life. 

Change is on the horizon again, so I thought now would be the perfect time for me to switch off social media for a while & focus on the here & now. In a couple of weeks, I will be returning to one of my jobs, which admittedly is much sooner than I would've imagined, but it is something I have to do. I am very grateful that my employers are being so accommodating & flexible. It also gives me motivation to focus on establishing a routine with Finn & getting him used to spending time with other people. I've also signed us up to a couple of classes to join together which I think will be good for both of us. We will do everything we can to make our new routine work for us - but the stress of finances is something we don't want hanging over us any more - so as a family we are working hard to eliviate some of that. 

One of the major things I learnt about myself after having Finn was how much I love being home & making it a space that is comforting for us all & is somewhere we can thrive & feel safe. Due to that, we have decided in the new year to rearrange the house to make it more functional for all of us. I am spending time looking for furniture & paint colours that will help us create a small home office & make our spare bedroom into Finn's bedroom for when he moves into his bigger bed in a few months. This will also free up some space in our living room to make it more suitable for guests & give more room for Finn to move about in. He is growing so quickly & I really want to spend time organising his clothes & toys so it feels a bit less haphazard. We have nowhere near enough storage for all the beautiful gifts he was showered with this Christmas! I'm excited for a project to focus on, I think it will be a positive way to start the new year!

Overall, 2022 had some high highs and some low lows but as always, we come out stronger because of it. We have the excitement of watching our boy grow, learn & experience new things & the things we have been through together have brought us so much closer together as a family unit. I couldn't be more grateful to have the support that I do & to have a partner who encourages, listens, communicates, cares & loves as well as he does. Our time together is the most precious thing in the world to me right now & we will strive to find a balance that works for us this year. 

Wishing you all a very Happy New Year. Sending peace & love x

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On entering motherhood.

I've realised that however much I intend to sit down and write here, somehow months pass, or in this case - a year has passed - and it always takes me by surprise. But I went for a walk today and whilst watching the waves and clearing my mind it felt like the perfect time to jot down some thoughts. 

At the start of 2022 we learnt that I was pregnant, and although that moment was something I'd dreamed of for as long as I can remember, we couldn't believe it was real. I'm certainly not the first to say that from that moment on, life as you know it is completely different. My body was already changing and we had lots of preparations to make. What followed was a series of other huge life changes including having to switch jobs and undergo a house move. Packing and moving was incredibly stressful but we were so grateful to be in a much more suitable home for us to welcome a baby and we still live very close to the sea.

My pregnancy was pretty straightforward save for the fact that I have always really struggled with anything medical including injections/shots and up until my first hospital appointment, I'd never even had a blood test. All the things I went through following that were very hard for me mentally and I had to find my own coping mechanisms. I told all doctors/nurses/midwives not to describe what they were about to do and that seemed to help me to channel my mind to deal with the situation. At the time of birth, I had a constant supply of gas & air so that helped too! 

I went 12 days overdue (so my September baby became an October baby!) and chose to have an induction to get things moving. Although childbirth was absolutely handsdown the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, I was so grateful that I was able to have the water birth I'd hoped for. It was such a calm experience and I remember all the midwives coming in to our room in the hours that followed saying how relaxed the room was. It just all felt so meant to be. As soon as he arrived, it felt like he had always been here with us. Such a miracle. 

Finn Shepherd has changed our lives in the most wonderful way. Watching him grow, change and learn each day is such a joy. Whenever he smiles it's like nothing else in the world matters because I know he is happy. I am proud of how Tom and I have adjusted to our new addition and we've focused on giving each other what we need to refresh and keep going. For me, that looks like taking my sacred hour or so in the evening for a long hot bubble bath, usually with a podcast/audiobook/music or just silence. I also became pretty obsessed with skincare whilst I was pregnant so I like to take my time to do that nightly ritual. My walks with Finn double up as self-care for me because I love being outdoors and looking at the sea, plus it's good for my healing to get myself moving. The pram usually sends Finn to sleep so then I get some quiet time once we get back home too. I'm slowly learning to use the nap times to pick up things like crafts or reading and other times I can quickly do jobs in the house like prep a slow cooker meal, do laundry or other small things. Some days none of that is possible if Finn wants to use me as a human sofa and that's just fine by me!

I've learnt how much Tom and I both love routine and rituals and we've both naturally fallen into our own roles that help keep everything going. I think for us that's helped maintain a calm and peaceful home, but we know that Finn is the priority and the other things can wait. I've focussed on making our home as cosy as possible so we can all relax and enjoy a positive environment. I recently read "My Hygge Home" by Meik Wiking [find it here] and that gave me some great ideas about how to foster connection in the home. I have read all his books and found the concept of 'hygge' pretty transformational after I read his first book a few years ago [find it here]. I'm sure I've written about it before! 

I have felt quite protective over our newborn bubble and although we have gone on trips the three of us or I've taken Finn out by myself, I am not putting any pressure on us to do that too often at this stage. We enjoy being home and having the comfort of the routine we are building and that just feels too precious to me to disrupt it too much. I've decided to wait until the new year before trying different groups and activities with Finn so we can all just soak up the comfort of home for as long as possible. I know it will be good for both of us to socialise and have new experiences but at the moment we are happy as we are! 

Most of the time, I can't believe it's all happening and I'm actually a Mum. I cherish the moments when Finn and I just stare at each other, trying to take each other in and figure each other out. The love I feel for him is wild. Watching him and Tom bond is like nothing else. I can't wait to watch Finn grow and discover and to see the world through his eyes. We have so many memories to make!

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