My Happy Place.

The last time I sat here was right at the end of summer camp. I tend to find a 'happy place' wherever I go so that when I feel overwhelmed or need to process my thoughts, I can find a space that is 'my own part of nature' where I will hopefully be undisturbed for a while. My Yorkshire happy place was atop the hills where I could see the trees, valleys and sheep. My Chester happy place were the Roman Walls where I could go and watch the sunset over the city.

So here I am, in my Wilmington happy place, legs dangling off the edge of a hidden away wall at the back of Brandywine park, perhaps for the last time. I am surrounded by big, beautiful trees that are beginning to drop fall coloured leaves that are slowly drifting towards the little waterfall which will float them down through the rock filled stream towards the fishermen and cute looking Church picnic I passed on the way in.

It's hard to find peace in such a time of unrest and confusion. All the people finding out I'm headed home who are asking what changed and wishing I would stay. All the people at home asking what I will do, what's my plan? Truthfully, I don't know. I feel like one of those little leaves in a big river, one minute floating along all calm, knowing where I am and what my role is to all of a sudden hitting a big gush of water and now I'm in a new place all over again starting at a new path, with new surroundings and a different future.

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One thing I have learnt, is that we are called to bloom where we are planted. I remember before I left, I spoke to someone about my move to the US. He said to me that a job is a job, wherever you do it. That is so true. Moving away from home to do a job doesn't automatically make it more of a success than if I'd done it in England, though I may have thought that. Of course, making the move has changed and grown me in more ways than I could've imagined and it has given me knowledge about totally different cultures as well as giving me the chance to share mine. I have pushed my self harder than ever before and for the first time, I've found my limits. I have seen that wherever I am placed or wherever I find myself, I can find something to do that will help someone else. I never had to be thousands of miles away to do that though I have absolutely no regret in this experience.

I have mentioned this in my writing before (check (you can read here) but there's a song by Brooke Fraser that says; 'now that I have seen, I am responsible.' That line challenges me constantly. Once we know there is a need within our community, even if it means pushing outside of what is comfortable but are able to, we should do it. That is a conviction upon which I am unwilling to compromise. I can do what needs to be done wherever I am sat. I am not called to be apathetic. I am called to action. I should bloom where I am planted.

'Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.’ 

What lies ahead for me is unknown, though hopefully my immediate future will involve some rest, reunions and Yorkshire Pudding. But now I see life again from a whole new perspective, knowing there is at least one constant in my life who knows the desires of my heart and knows the plans and purpose He has for me. My Faith and hope is stronger than ever before which is helping me to find joy and peace amongst the goodbyes and upheavals. I have loved my life here and was glad to call it home, even if it was just for the length of a pregnancy as someone pointed out yesterday!!

I'd best get back to enjoying my last bit of sunshine!

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Time for a new dream...

I write this post with quite a heavy yet peaceful heart. It's funny when I look back just over the past few weeks or even days to see how quickly things can change. No two days here have ever been the same and after the team disbanded, time seemed to be going very slowly, unlike what I had experienced whilst we were still united. So much had happened over the past 7 months that I couldn't really process it all until it all ended. There was so much noise going on in my head, worries, cares, 'is everyone ok,' 'could I be doing something for someone,' 'what do I need to do tomorrow.' It was like a constant buzzing, that blocked out all of my thoughts for my own needs. I remember the moment we pulled away from Philadelphia airport thinking, 'this feels strange, I can think about myself again.' 

There's something about living in community, or so I found, that made it quite impossible for me to ever sit and think about myself. I guess I just plodded along with everything, maybe not knowing what I was agreeing to and pushing through the next day. I rarely stopped to think anything through, because there wasn't much time to. When summer camp was going on, I was all consumed by it and certainly didn't have time to stop and smell the roses. That was just not natural for me. I am an extremely reflective person. I hear comments that maybe someone will make in passing, not thinking I am listening and I will sit and stew on them for days. If I think i've caused offense, I will bring that up with the person and deal with it, maybe a week after they said it. I will sit and ponder deep thoughts, about how I could improve, how I could handle that situation better, how the other people might or might not be feeling around me, how my decisions might affect my neighbors and so on and so forth. I do not say things for dramatic effect. Usually, the words I say, particularly if they are big statements have been thought out for days on end before they come out of my mouth. I mean them. 

When I started to think I couldn't do this job without the team I had around me, I really meant it. As much as I mean the words, 'I love tea.' I began to see that the people whom were placed around me balanced me out in more ways than I first realised. If I haven't stressed this before, this is an extremely emotional job. Everytime I get a little closer to one of these kids, my heart breaks a little bit more. Whilst I know what we do is potentially life changing for them, my emotions are just too strong and I am not able to switch off. If I cannot separate my emotions from my job, I cannot function as a normal human being. Of course, you must have a true 'heart' for ministry. You need a great motivation to get out of bed every day and work more hours than most other humans and invest your life in a cause like this. For the past 8 months, that is what I have done but what I have come to realise as I have truly crashed and burned is that however much I love these children, I am not built for this role. I cannot give them my best when I haven't slept properly in days. Neither can I give them my best if I am constantly anxious and losing patience. I can't do it and take care of myself at the same time.

'Wisdom makes decisions today that will still be good tomorrow.' 

Lysa Terkeurst

So, after many days of constant prayer, advice seeking, late nights and over-thinking, I have decided to return to England. Before I set foot on that plane, I said that I was coming here to see whether or not my future was here. I decided that if it wasn't, at least I had given it a go, no regrets. Mission accomplished! I have learnt more about myself, and others in this time than I ever have in my life so far. I have done things that I would never have thought I could do but I have also learnt what my limitations are, and where I should work that will bring out the best in me. My personality type means that I am lead by feelings and emotions and that I can exist happily only when in a team, especially in a work environment. For a while, I felt I had failed my assignment. I should be able to do this, I should be able to love these kids and keep going despite my struggles but I know that is not wise. I think to truly understand, you have to experience it for yourself! 

Of course, that leaves me back in a place where I have to figure it out all over again but I will enter a new season being stronger than before, with a better understanding of who I am, with new, more mature and well rounded perspectives and an appreciation for those around me who love me like I've never had before. Without the support and belief of friends and family, I truly could not have done this at all. Knowing that they will be there to welcome me and support me the same in whatever comes next is what makes me feel good about this decision. They do not look upon this as a failure or a disappointment but they trust my judgement enough to know that I can pick myself up and carry on to the next stage. I also want to thank all the Churches and organizations filled with people who offered me more love, support and generosity than I have ever experienced. Thank you for accepting me and all my exceptionally British ways! The children I have met here have made an eternal mark upon my heart and I will never forget them. My prayer is that whatever I've done here, however small, will have done something in at least one of them that will make a difference to their future. I am abundantly blessed to know that I have friends scattered all across America (and a couple in Germany!) who I am sure will offer me a guest bed should I ever desire it ;) I am eternally grateful for every prayer prayed, every message sent, every Skype call, every cent donated, for this experience leaves me better (and hopefully others!) and more able to make a positive impact somewhere else in the future.

‘The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.’

Proverbs 16:9

America, I love ya. Thanks for letting this Yorkshire lass pursue her dream. Now, it's time to make some new ones!

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