On being less busy

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"Sarah, I know you're busy but..."

Something triggered in me last year that made me tired of hearing those words. I didn't want that reputation anymore, that feeling of running myself ragged and filling every possible moment with purpose, purpose and more purpose. And for what? I started to crave something different, to use my time better and to add in some time for intentional rest.

I can't really say when it began, but I thought about one thing I could add in that was purely for my own enjoyment. So I decided to sign up for a Cineworld card. Oh, how I loved that card. I could go to the cinema any time I wanted, see any film multiple times and didn't have to pay anything extra. I started going once, sometimes twice a week for some 'me only' time to get lost in the moment. I saw some absolutely awful films that I am so glad I didn't pay £10 for (the card was less than £20 per month) and others which moved me so much that it took me days to snap out of it. It was simple, but it was a start. Around the same time, once I'd become settled in my Church I had made a very conscious decision not to over-commit. I said yes to singing in the band and being in a small group but not much more than that. Those were my things that I felt able to give to well, without tiring myself out and doing things because I felt obligated.

Once I started my new job, I really had to keep a hold of what I'd already put in place. The latter part of my year involves lots of conferences and travel, so it is tricky to maintain any kind of balance. In many ways, life now is much 'busier' than it has ever been and yet I feel (generally!) more at peace than ever. I have changed the way I look at my time, I think carefully about what I say yes to and ensure that rest is in there somewhere. Of course, I don't get it right all the time but I have been so aware that I am the only person responsible for how I use my time, and no-one else is to blame for my burnout. Learning about healthy boundaries and adding them to my life has been such a game-changer. For the first time, I feel like I can speak to subjects such as boundaries and self-care from a place of integrity, knowing this is something I am trying to do as I learn to love and care for myself as well as others.

Speaking from a Christian perspective, there are so many demands upon us. We are undoubtedly called to be active people; looking out for lost, hurting, suffering people. Acting out against injustice. So much needs to be done, we cannot ignore it. We feel these pulls and calls from our Church and all the things we 'should' be a part of, things we 'ought' to volunteer for and whilst those things are not bad, and I don't doubt that we must be active within our community - I really believe we have to rethink some things.

Burn-out is too high amongst our leaders. They are too stretched and cannot possibly live up to the unrealistic expectations put upon them. They are human beings with their own lives - we must get better at trusting them to use their time in the way that they feel is wisest.

Though it's all well and good me saying that I only say 'yes' to one thing, that leaves others picking up the slack. But if we all played our small part, the thing that gives us life too, it wouldn't all fall to the few and I'd bet that we'd be a little happier in our service, leading in turn to us being a more efficient body. One person cannot possibly be the equivalent of 30 body parts.

"God is more concerned with our hearts than he is with our outward compliance...We must always say yes out of a heart of love. When our motive is fear, we love not." (Cloud & Townsend)

We are free to say no and we shouldn't we feel the need to justify that. Nor should we feel manipulated into saying yes. I think it's really important that we consider why we feel we have committed to something. Are we doing it out of guilt - what if no-one else steps up? Out of fear - how will they react if I say no? Obligation - they'll expect me to do it? Reputation - what will they think of me? Worth - what am I without my actions/service? Fear?

These are important conversations, and ones I feel like we really need to be having more - especially for leaders. It is up to us as individuals to decide what we do with the precious lot we have been given and we shouldn't feel guilty for allowing space to take care of ourselves. I absolutely believe in giving our time to serve and support others and I have tried to prioritise that throughout my life. Volunteering is very important to me and I think it's something we can all make space for, even if it's a teeny commitment. An hour a month can change someone's life.

"Wisdom makes decisions today that will still be good tomorrow." Lysa Terkuerst

You are passionate about specific things for a reason - go do something with it! And if you are involved in too much - take something out! Think of something you can add in for you! When I am able to be routined (as in physically in one place for the bulk of the week) I am quite strict with my time. I try to make sure I exercise, cook healthy food, read, rest, see friends & family, host, travel and have quiet nights on the sofa. My work is my ministry and I have to manage that well so it doesn't take over my life. We can't give from empty - that just brings all sorts of resentment. I've tried to view my time in the same way as I view my financial budgets - what could be the impact later down the line if I say yes to this? What will I have to sacrifice next month if I do this now? Do I have the reserves to be involved in this? Is it going to be better for me later this week if I just stay in tonight? [Some people say I think too much, I disagree. Not really...I'm working on it 😉]

Below are a few books that have really inspired my thoughts and actions around this subject. My hope is that we will become less 'busy' and frantic in our mind sets, but instead we manage our time wisely so that we are able to give well to the things that are meaningful and life giving for us.

 

Boundaries 

The Best Yes

                                                                                             

Present Over Perfect

[I was recently asked to represent my workplace in doing a radio interview on this subject. If you want to listen to a clip of it follow this link]

Love,

S x

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Your Best Yes.

“Saying yes all the time won’t make me wonder woman, it will make me a worn-out woman.” Lysa Terkuerst I have just finished reading a book called 'The Best Yes' by Lysa Terkuerst. I loved every word of it. I have to say, it felt good to actually find time again to sit down and read a book, so the fact that it offered some pretty transformational stuff was a real bonus! It was packed to the rafters with simple truths that so many of us have forgotten in and amongst the busyness of our lives. 
As I settle in to a new routine, I have really started to process all the things I learnt in my time in America. One of the things I was not very good at over there was saying 'no.' I love to serve, love to make things happen and love to be on the move but this soon led me to disaster. Overwhelmed by all the things I could be doing, the people I could be helping, the meals I could be preparing, I soon forgot how to take care of myself. Many of the yes's I said were good but they were rarely directed at myself. I soon became so consumed by all the yes's I could be saying for others that I was unable to sleep properly, to control my tears and to switch off and prioritise rest. In the end, I had utterly lost myself. 
As Christians, we are called to some quite simple but highly important actions:

Jesus said, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your passion and prayer and intelligence.’ This is the most important, the first on any list. But there is a second to set alongside it: ‘Love others as well as you love yourself.’ These two commands are pegs; everything in God’s Law and the Prophets hangs from them.”

Matthew 22:37-40
How can we love others, if we don't know how to love ourselves? How do we find others important, if we don't believe we ourselves are important? How to we truly take care of others, if we don't know how to care for ourselves? The more we see of the world, the more we see how hurting and broken it is. Truthfully, there will always be something that we could be doing to serve someone else. But if in the midst of our service, we are neglecting ourselves - we have missed the mark. I cannot be all, see all, hear all and do all. I cannot give out of an empty store. If I allow my mind to be constantly filled with the needs of others, my own needs soon escape and they go on ignored. If I am trying to help someone else and make them feel important, but do not see myself as important, how effective can I really be? 
I am not much of a social networker these days, but I do daily check my beloved Instagram. I follow an organisation called 'So Worth Loving' who post so many little inspirations. Here's a good un I read the other day:

‘“Surround yourself with people who build you up and inspire you not to give up” - Concious magazine. Loving people comes as you learn to love yourself. Community can be your safe escape. When you don’t have it in you to love on yourself you can lean into the people around you to lift you up. Let the way they love you bring hope that you will get through. With community, there is hope.’

Sometimes, when we have neglected ourselves for so long, there is a point at which we break and recognise the need for change. It isn't easy. In order to push through, we need each other, we need friends who love us and care for us to help bind back together our broken hearts. One thing I realised in the US was that however much people complimented me, encouraged me and built me up - it never felt like enough. In my mind, I was constantly thinking; 'but I could've done that better,' 'but I shouldn't have said that,' 'there is more I could be doing.' I didn't allow myself to accept the kindness being offered because I didn't think I deserved it. I was 'just doing my job.' But now I am on a new journey. 

Saying no is not easy. Trying to prioritise myself feels extremely unnatural. Listening to myself and what I need feels odd. But I cannot live a life without such boundaries without burning out and becoming useful to no-one. For the first time, I am not rushing myself through this season but allowing my heart and head the time it needs to heal, hear and feel truth. The biggest lesson I have taken from the aforementioned book is that I can say 100 yes's to all sorts of seemingly wonderful things- but in doing that, I could be saying one big fat no to something that could've been the best thing for me. If I sign up to 10 different great things; serving at Church, volunteering at a Charity, getting back into youth ministry, taking on extra things at work - then I stretch myself so far that I cannot do them all well. However, if I sit - weigh up decisions, see if it fits in my schedule, check how much time I can dedicate to it, how well I can do it then that could be one, huge best yes that truly benefits everyone. 

Boundaries are so healthy and we all need not only to have them in our lives but also protect them. Right now, I am in a time of rebuilding and strengthening. I don't have much energy or strength to take on much more than I have. I am at peace with that. I owe myself this time and am so thankful that I have such close friends who are picking me up, loving me and pouring in to me. I do not have to justify my decisions to anyone on earth and to me, that feels like freedom! Today, I need to be in the comfort of my safety zone and though I won't stay there forever - it's the only place I can focus on right now.

‘Every day we make choices. Then our choices make us.’

Lysa Terkuerst. 

What choices can you make today that will give you a better tomorrow?

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