The mess behind the message

Back in high school, in a moment of madness, I decided to study art. I am by no stretch of the imagination an artist, and am certainly average at best but have always admired those that  do have the gift. One of the people who grabbed my attention during my studies was Salvador Dalí. To some, he was simply a bit crackers but I think he was quite the genius. I was lucky enough to visit one of his galleries in St Petersburg, Florida. One of the paintings I saw there, is one I often refer to when I realise once again, that I’ve gone way too far into my own head and need to regain some perspective.  

http://thedali.org/exhibit/gala-contemplating-mediterranean-sea/

This painting, struck me more than any I’ve ever seen. The approximate size of this piece is 250cm x 190cm (according to the website) which might give a good idea of the scale we’re talking about. The detail up close, is nothing short of incredible. And then, you step back 20 metres. Suddenly, the picture transforms into something else and reveals a portrait of Abraham Lincoln. It is crazy. 

What does this have to do with life? Well, I am Sarah and I am a serial over-thinker. I love personal reflection, I am a true introvert and will usually be found in a coffee shop trying desperately to find space and make sense of everything I’ve seen. It’s also why I write, as a means of getting at least some of the things rattling around in my very busy mind onto paper. But sometimes, this can be a dangerous practice. 

Mix three new starts in two years, and I mean full new starts; moving house, area, job, or even country - and the results are somewhat overwhelming. You learn so much about yourself when you are pushed out of your comfort zone. Just when you think you really know who you are, you’re thrown into a fresh set of circumstances and you simply have to adapt. You begin to see things you didn’t know about you. You carry that forward into your next stage, and you find yourself trying to show a whole new bunch of people who you are and what you’re about. Well, I’ve done that so many times in my relatively short number of years that all of a sudden, I couldn’t really remember who I was. I can articulate who I am, my core values - but who am I after all those ‘things’ I’ve just experienced? All the new things, heartbreaking things in some cases, that I’ve seen? After meeting all those people who’ve impacted my life, loved me, challenged me, hurt me, betrayed me or misunderstood me? What is my role in this new place, where do I fit, who will my true friends be, where should I put my roots? Who am I now? 

The challenge for me has been this - how will these new people love me, when I feel like such a hot mess? Can’t I just hide the behind the scenes and show them the best bits, once I’ve dealt with it all myself? The biggest battle can often be when we feel as though we aren’t our best selves, and the fear that follows of how we are perceived. What will they think of me, what if they think I’m always this negative? Should I be less this, more that? No. You should be who you are, and so should I. We are human beings (in case you didn’t know). We have good days, we have bad days. Some days we need to receive grace, some days we need to give grace. We are called to love one another through the good, the bad and the ugly. Does that mean we only deserve love when we are rainbows and butterflies?  Heck, no. 

This, is the beauty of community. I will never stop talking about community, because I believe to my very core that we were born with a desire for it. A yearning to know that we belong, that someone understands us, that we have acceptance, friends, people we can depend on and a place to gain perspective. When I get too wrapped up in my head - what makes me step back 20 metres to see a different picture entirely is community. Those that can tell me what they see when they look at me. Those that listen, advice, counsel, snap me out of it - and promise to journey through it all with me. But the real joy comes after this. That once they’ve pulled me out of the darkness and back into the light, I am closer to being restored and can offer this in return. We need each other. We need to be for each other, however ugly we might feel in ourselves - we deserve each other. However many times we need to be reminded of it, we are each so worth loving. 

http://soworthloving.tumblr.com/page/2

So here is my prayer. That we wont be afraid to show our mess and not just our message. That we can be real, and raw and unapologetically ourselves. That we can do this together, sharing  and showing one another grace that we were so undeservedly given. That we would accept who we are, and know that we are loved unconditionally in whatever stage we are at; the good, the bad or the ugly. 

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On being content.

Let's just pretend that it hasn't been 9 months since I last sat down to write, OK? Good. The past few months have felt like the craziest rollercoaster and I haven't really had much time between rides to sit and gather my thoughts. It's felt like one minute, I'm in Central Park eating PB&J sandwiches with 9 kids who've never left their city before, then I've blinked and I'm atop the Yorkshire hills with two American friends sipping on an orange and lemonade that cost me £4.50 and now I'm sat in a coffee shop in Oxford resting my weary legs having spent the day navigating through various groups of tourists who seem to have no spatial awareness.

It's hard to believe how much change I've experienced lately, how many friends I've gained and done life with for short bursts, before I've run head first into the next adventure. I think in all of this upheaval, what my heart has really been searching for is contentment. A continual feeling of knowing that right here, right now, is where I'm supposed to be. That this stop on the ride is planned and predestined and the people who surround me are meant to be there, to enjoy this season with me for however long it will last.

A few short weeks ago, I left my beloved home once again and started work in Oxfordshire. It was by no means an easy move. That 3 1/2 hour journey felt like a long and lonely one (perhaps because it took me nearly 5!) surrounded by my vacuum packed belongings, as I headed to a place I had never really planned on going. But I can feel it. The knowing that this is it, the place I've been searching for. Contentment.

Of course, life isn't all of a sudden picture perfect. There have been a couple of twists and turns so far but that is to be expected. There was just something about this move that felt inexplicably right. It wasn't part of my master plan, and I certainly didn't see it coming. My heart has always belonged to the North but I have to say, the adjustment has felt quite smooth. My accent thus far remains un-mocked, (in fact it has been enjoyed!) though it has, on occasion, been misunderstood and many natives of the South have questioned what caused me to leave the magnificent hills of Yorkshire for such a town as Didcot, to which I can only answer "this job." But there's something about being able to hop on a train at the weekend and wander through the streets that inspired the likes of Jane Austen and C.S. Lewis that suits my soul.

You see, contentment is a choice. Whether or not I thought I'd be where I am, I can chose to be happy here without yearning for somewhere else. Somewhere else could be better, but this is where I am choosing to be. We can either be constantly looking at other people's gardens, wishing ours were as lush or as well decorated as theirs, or we can tend to our own and appreciate its' beauty for what it is. It's all too easy today to become distracted by social media, as we all so willingly throw out our carefully selected highlights for the world to see but as soon as we scroll the news feeds of others, we quickly begin to feel like our adventures just aren't quite as exciting as we first thought. We devalue ourselves all too easily. We constantly try to go one better, quietly competing with each other and without realising it, we've become discontent with our gifts, talents or even lives, wishing they could be as good as we perceive others' to be. 

There is a time to nurture your own garden, to work on loving and spending time with yourself.  And in doing so, I must urge you to learn not to compare your life, your everyday comings and goings with anyone else's. We each have our own path to walk down, our own choices to make, experiences to enjoy or sometimes, endure and that is what makes us unique. We must learn to celebrate these differences, instead of feeling inadequate when we feel as though we don't quite measure up to our neighbours. In our constant comparisons, we lose so much of our own freedom to enjoy what has been gifted to us so graciously.We must learn (or sometimes, fight) to feel that we have done enough, we have enough and know that we are good enough. When we truly grasp contentment, we don't look at what our neighbour has been given and feel a lack for ourselves, because we appreciate that we have what we need, and they have what they need. We are able to celebrate the blessings received by others because we appreciate the blessings bestowed unto ourselves. 

"God has promised to supply all our needs. What we don't have now we don't need now." Elisabeth Elliot

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Your Best Yes.

“Saying yes all the time won’t make me wonder woman, it will make me a worn-out woman.” Lysa Terkuerst I have just finished reading a book called 'The Best Yes' by Lysa Terkuerst. I loved every word of it. I have to say, it felt good to actually find time again to sit down and read a book, so the fact that it offered some pretty transformational stuff was a real bonus! It was packed to the rafters with simple truths that so many of us have forgotten in and amongst the busyness of our lives. 
As I settle in to a new routine, I have really started to process all the things I learnt in my time in America. One of the things I was not very good at over there was saying 'no.' I love to serve, love to make things happen and love to be on the move but this soon led me to disaster. Overwhelmed by all the things I could be doing, the people I could be helping, the meals I could be preparing, I soon forgot how to take care of myself. Many of the yes's I said were good but they were rarely directed at myself. I soon became so consumed by all the yes's I could be saying for others that I was unable to sleep properly, to control my tears and to switch off and prioritise rest. In the end, I had utterly lost myself. 
As Christians, we are called to some quite simple but highly important actions:

Jesus said, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your passion and prayer and intelligence.’ This is the most important, the first on any list. But there is a second to set alongside it: ‘Love others as well as you love yourself.’ These two commands are pegs; everything in God’s Law and the Prophets hangs from them.”

Matthew 22:37-40
How can we love others, if we don't know how to love ourselves? How do we find others important, if we don't believe we ourselves are important? How to we truly take care of others, if we don't know how to care for ourselves? The more we see of the world, the more we see how hurting and broken it is. Truthfully, there will always be something that we could be doing to serve someone else. But if in the midst of our service, we are neglecting ourselves - we have missed the mark. I cannot be all, see all, hear all and do all. I cannot give out of an empty store. If I allow my mind to be constantly filled with the needs of others, my own needs soon escape and they go on ignored. If I am trying to help someone else and make them feel important, but do not see myself as important, how effective can I really be? 
I am not much of a social networker these days, but I do daily check my beloved Instagram. I follow an organisation called 'So Worth Loving' who post so many little inspirations. Here's a good un I read the other day:

‘“Surround yourself with people who build you up and inspire you not to give up” - Concious magazine. Loving people comes as you learn to love yourself. Community can be your safe escape. When you don’t have it in you to love on yourself you can lean into the people around you to lift you up. Let the way they love you bring hope that you will get through. With community, there is hope.’

Sometimes, when we have neglected ourselves for so long, there is a point at which we break and recognise the need for change. It isn't easy. In order to push through, we need each other, we need friends who love us and care for us to help bind back together our broken hearts. One thing I realised in the US was that however much people complimented me, encouraged me and built me up - it never felt like enough. In my mind, I was constantly thinking; 'but I could've done that better,' 'but I shouldn't have said that,' 'there is more I could be doing.' I didn't allow myself to accept the kindness being offered because I didn't think I deserved it. I was 'just doing my job.' But now I am on a new journey. 

Saying no is not easy. Trying to prioritise myself feels extremely unnatural. Listening to myself and what I need feels odd. But I cannot live a life without such boundaries without burning out and becoming useful to no-one. For the first time, I am not rushing myself through this season but allowing my heart and head the time it needs to heal, hear and feel truth. The biggest lesson I have taken from the aforementioned book is that I can say 100 yes's to all sorts of seemingly wonderful things- but in doing that, I could be saying one big fat no to something that could've been the best thing for me. If I sign up to 10 different great things; serving at Church, volunteering at a Charity, getting back into youth ministry, taking on extra things at work - then I stretch myself so far that I cannot do them all well. However, if I sit - weigh up decisions, see if it fits in my schedule, check how much time I can dedicate to it, how well I can do it then that could be one, huge best yes that truly benefits everyone. 

Boundaries are so healthy and we all need not only to have them in our lives but also protect them. Right now, I am in a time of rebuilding and strengthening. I don't have much energy or strength to take on much more than I have. I am at peace with that. I owe myself this time and am so thankful that I have such close friends who are picking me up, loving me and pouring in to me. I do not have to justify my decisions to anyone on earth and to me, that feels like freedom! Today, I need to be in the comfort of my safety zone and though I won't stay there forever - it's the only place I can focus on right now.

‘Every day we make choices. Then our choices make us.’

Lysa Terkuerst. 

What choices can you make today that will give you a better tomorrow?

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My Happy Place.

The last time I sat here was right at the end of summer camp. I tend to find a 'happy place' wherever I go so that when I feel overwhelmed or need to process my thoughts, I can find a space that is 'my own part of nature' where I will hopefully be undisturbed for a while. My Yorkshire happy place was atop the hills where I could see the trees, valleys and sheep. My Chester happy place were the Roman Walls where I could go and watch the sunset over the city.

So here I am, in my Wilmington happy place, legs dangling off the edge of a hidden away wall at the back of Brandywine park, perhaps for the last time. I am surrounded by big, beautiful trees that are beginning to drop fall coloured leaves that are slowly drifting towards the little waterfall which will float them down through the rock filled stream towards the fishermen and cute looking Church picnic I passed on the way in.

It's hard to find peace in such a time of unrest and confusion. All the people finding out I'm headed home who are asking what changed and wishing I would stay. All the people at home asking what I will do, what's my plan? Truthfully, I don't know. I feel like one of those little leaves in a big river, one minute floating along all calm, knowing where I am and what my role is to all of a sudden hitting a big gush of water and now I'm in a new place all over again starting at a new path, with new surroundings and a different future.

source

One thing I have learnt, is that we are called to bloom where we are planted. I remember before I left, I spoke to someone about my move to the US. He said to me that a job is a job, wherever you do it. That is so true. Moving away from home to do a job doesn't automatically make it more of a success than if I'd done it in England, though I may have thought that. Of course, making the move has changed and grown me in more ways than I could've imagined and it has given me knowledge about totally different cultures as well as giving me the chance to share mine. I have pushed my self harder than ever before and for the first time, I've found my limits. I have seen that wherever I am placed or wherever I find myself, I can find something to do that will help someone else. I never had to be thousands of miles away to do that though I have absolutely no regret in this experience.

I have mentioned this in my writing before (check (you can read here) but there's a song by Brooke Fraser that says; 'now that I have seen, I am responsible.' That line challenges me constantly. Once we know there is a need within our community, even if it means pushing outside of what is comfortable but are able to, we should do it. That is a conviction upon which I am unwilling to compromise. I can do what needs to be done wherever I am sat. I am not called to be apathetic. I am called to action. I should bloom where I am planted.

'Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.’ 

What lies ahead for me is unknown, though hopefully my immediate future will involve some rest, reunions and Yorkshire Pudding. But now I see life again from a whole new perspective, knowing there is at least one constant in my life who knows the desires of my heart and knows the plans and purpose He has for me. My Faith and hope is stronger than ever before which is helping me to find joy and peace amongst the goodbyes and upheavals. I have loved my life here and was glad to call it home, even if it was just for the length of a pregnancy as someone pointed out yesterday!!

I'd best get back to enjoying my last bit of sunshine!

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Time for a new dream...

I write this post with quite a heavy yet peaceful heart. It's funny when I look back just over the past few weeks or even days to see how quickly things can change. No two days here have ever been the same and after the team disbanded, time seemed to be going very slowly, unlike what I had experienced whilst we were still united. So much had happened over the past 7 months that I couldn't really process it all until it all ended. There was so much noise going on in my head, worries, cares, 'is everyone ok,' 'could I be doing something for someone,' 'what do I need to do tomorrow.' It was like a constant buzzing, that blocked out all of my thoughts for my own needs. I remember the moment we pulled away from Philadelphia airport thinking, 'this feels strange, I can think about myself again.' 

There's something about living in community, or so I found, that made it quite impossible for me to ever sit and think about myself. I guess I just plodded along with everything, maybe not knowing what I was agreeing to and pushing through the next day. I rarely stopped to think anything through, because there wasn't much time to. When summer camp was going on, I was all consumed by it and certainly didn't have time to stop and smell the roses. That was just not natural for me. I am an extremely reflective person. I hear comments that maybe someone will make in passing, not thinking I am listening and I will sit and stew on them for days. If I think i've caused offense, I will bring that up with the person and deal with it, maybe a week after they said it. I will sit and ponder deep thoughts, about how I could improve, how I could handle that situation better, how the other people might or might not be feeling around me, how my decisions might affect my neighbors and so on and so forth. I do not say things for dramatic effect. Usually, the words I say, particularly if they are big statements have been thought out for days on end before they come out of my mouth. I mean them. 

When I started to think I couldn't do this job without the team I had around me, I really meant it. As much as I mean the words, 'I love tea.' I began to see that the people whom were placed around me balanced me out in more ways than I first realised. If I haven't stressed this before, this is an extremely emotional job. Everytime I get a little closer to one of these kids, my heart breaks a little bit more. Whilst I know what we do is potentially life changing for them, my emotions are just too strong and I am not able to switch off. If I cannot separate my emotions from my job, I cannot function as a normal human being. Of course, you must have a true 'heart' for ministry. You need a great motivation to get out of bed every day and work more hours than most other humans and invest your life in a cause like this. For the past 8 months, that is what I have done but what I have come to realise as I have truly crashed and burned is that however much I love these children, I am not built for this role. I cannot give them my best when I haven't slept properly in days. Neither can I give them my best if I am constantly anxious and losing patience. I can't do it and take care of myself at the same time.

'Wisdom makes decisions today that will still be good tomorrow.' 

Lysa Terkeurst

So, after many days of constant prayer, advice seeking, late nights and over-thinking, I have decided to return to England. Before I set foot on that plane, I said that I was coming here to see whether or not my future was here. I decided that if it wasn't, at least I had given it a go, no regrets. Mission accomplished! I have learnt more about myself, and others in this time than I ever have in my life so far. I have done things that I would never have thought I could do but I have also learnt what my limitations are, and where I should work that will bring out the best in me. My personality type means that I am lead by feelings and emotions and that I can exist happily only when in a team, especially in a work environment. For a while, I felt I had failed my assignment. I should be able to do this, I should be able to love these kids and keep going despite my struggles but I know that is not wise. I think to truly understand, you have to experience it for yourself! 

Of course, that leaves me back in a place where I have to figure it out all over again but I will enter a new season being stronger than before, with a better understanding of who I am, with new, more mature and well rounded perspectives and an appreciation for those around me who love me like I've never had before. Without the support and belief of friends and family, I truly could not have done this at all. Knowing that they will be there to welcome me and support me the same in whatever comes next is what makes me feel good about this decision. They do not look upon this as a failure or a disappointment but they trust my judgement enough to know that I can pick myself up and carry on to the next stage. I also want to thank all the Churches and organizations filled with people who offered me more love, support and generosity than I have ever experienced. Thank you for accepting me and all my exceptionally British ways! The children I have met here have made an eternal mark upon my heart and I will never forget them. My prayer is that whatever I've done here, however small, will have done something in at least one of them that will make a difference to their future. I am abundantly blessed to know that I have friends scattered all across America (and a couple in Germany!) who I am sure will offer me a guest bed should I ever desire it ;) I am eternally grateful for every prayer prayed, every message sent, every Skype call, every cent donated, for this experience leaves me better (and hopefully others!) and more able to make a positive impact somewhere else in the future.

‘The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.’

Proverbs 16:9

America, I love ya. Thanks for letting this Yorkshire lass pursue her dream. Now, it's time to make some new ones!

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In The Summertime.

It's pretty unbelievable that we're already partway through summer but let's not dwell on that! Right now we are almost halfway through our first summer camp - 'Camp Youth for Christ' in partnership with Urban Promise who I have mentioned many a time. So far, though it has been busy and a lot of extra work for me, (as I am camp director) it has been full of greatness. It's lovely to see our kids respond to a new discipline/reward system but also to get them mingling with other kids in the city. We all join together every week (all 7 camps across the city) to go on joint field trips which the kids have loved.

I have to say, wearing shorts for 6 weeks filled me with nothing but dread alas, at the end of every day I can slip back into normality aka a dress. Life is full of sacrifices. The kids are learning all about the Fruits of the Spirit which are pretty huge life lessons for a younger audience. Teaching them about self control when they all want to play the X-Box at once is no easy task. Asking them to practice patience when traveling 2 hours to our field trip destination takes work. Getting them to speak kind words instead of hurtful ones requires constant intervention. But, in the end it will hopefully get through to them in some way that will shape their character for the future. Plus, it's just important for all the leaders to practice the same things! Many of my days are spent trying to ensure everything is running smoothly as well as disciplining the kids and checking all my staff are ok. One of these days, I might actually get to drink a full cup of tea. However, we are making some great memories and I am learning something new every single day.

Saying cheese for me in free time! 

In our opening program games...

Water fight! Very necessary in this heat!

I also just spent my first 4th July weekend in the States. Though I have to say, it didn't quite live up to my expectations, I FINALLY convinced my YFC family to go somewhere for breakfast. I was originally insistent upon Ihop but settled for an independent diner which kept everyone happy because I could eat pancakes and fresh strawberries and the guys could eat as much bacon and sausage as they jolly well wanted. Here we are:

I was feeling very joyful about this moment.

We then went to Rehoboth beach in time for the Germany vs France game whilst the rain was pouring but thankfully Germany won so the day was not ruined! However, we didn't really know what to do at the beach in the rain for 7 hours as we waited for the fireworks, (seeing as though my suggestions of sandcastle building, hole digging and fish n chip eating all well and truly bombed) we decided to head home. I accidentally fell asleep in the middle of a movie as keeps happening lately but woke up in time to go watch the fireworks at the Riverfront. I have to say, it was probably the best firework display I've ever seen - including London at New Years, mainly because no chaos ensued following the end of the display! There was a moment in the finale where the sky looked like it was covered in glitter..it was amazing. They really go all out for the 4th. So I enjoyed it in the end!

Though we all know time flies when you're having fun, there really is no slowing it down lately. We have just over a month left together and I may or may not be at a point already where I cry every time I talk or think about saying goodbye to my German family. Though some times have been tough for us and we are all feeling tired, it's very hard to imagine life here without them. Today, we had a team meeting where I received my usual feedback of; 'Sarah, some things to work on - first of all, cry less.' HA! I don't even argue with it anymore. I have no shame in saying I have cried twice today as I've talked about the guys leaving. It's going to be a long few weeks!!! It is going to be like University ending all over again, another era in life coming to a close. I am hopeful that we will make the most of our time together and go off with a high as we all embark on the next part of our adventures. As I spoke with Keenan about it earlier, he said to me; 'Sarah, they're not dying.' That helped, I think. 

Which brings me to my next point; I will be staying Stateside! I think I had told most people, but didn't make a big public statement about it until it was sure. I have been offered a full time position over here with Delaware Youth for Christ and am so excited about staying and helping to direct this Ministry forwards. I knew the moment I landed that life was never to be the same again and am filled with joy when I think about seeing these kids grow up and watching what they become. Even though I do miss a lot about England, I know I can make a life here, at least for the foreseeable future and can't wait to see what comes of this decision. As I mentioned earlier, these past six months have had ups and downs such as yesterday, when I found my first grey hair.  But, on days like today, when one of my kids arrives at camp with his usual handful of flowers for me and greets me with; 'Hi Ms Sarah! I love you,' I don't mind how many grey hairs it gives me, this is where I am supposed to be! 

England, I'll see you in the wintertime. 

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Retreat.

Howdy partners! I will eventually stop apologising for the lack of updates of late and just start a post like a normal person, but for now - I am sorry for the break!

This weekend, I was blessed by the gift of a retreat in a beautiful center in Quarryville, Pennsylvania. Some of the women from a Church we have worked with before, in fact I met them the very first week I arrived in Delaware when I experienced my first retreat with our kids and theirs, invited me to join them free of charge on their annual women's retreat. This one was quite a different experience than the first! It was yet again in a beautiful area and was surrounded by woodland and a heck of a lot of snow. I was so ready for some rest and time in a different environment with new faces so I was really excited to go. 

I was able to travel with some of the wonderful women I get to work with at Urban Promise and had a great time hanging out with them some more. The schedule was pretty jam packed as these weekends often are so I was most looking forward to free time on Saturday afternoon. I absolutely love walking and exploring my surroundings so I was quick to take a hike! 

Saturday was such a lovely afternoon, the sun was finally shining and the snow was melting. Of course, I didn't consider the implications of ankle deep snow melting as I was walking but miraculously, I didn't fall over once! It was so muddy and pretty difficult to walk through the paths but that just added to the adventure. 

I decided to follow the trail to see the lake as I had heard it was a pretty site. I will mention at this point that I had taken loads of photos on my camera but somehow my iPhoto imported and erased them all and they are gone from the memory card :( I guess those memories are to be stored only in my head, sorry! UPDATE: I found the photos! Alas, I always take pictures on my phone so there are some survivors. I arrived at the lake to see it was completely frozen over so I just had to imagine there was water under there:

I sat down on one of the benches like the one you see above for about 30 minutes. It was so nice just to hear the sound of the brook next to me and the birds singing. There was no-one around to talk to but I could just sit and lift my head toward the sun. It felt blissful.

The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
     He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
     he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
    for his name’s sake.

Psalm 23:1-3

As I was looking up towards the sun, I noticed a rather large bird in the distance. I watched it for a little while thinking it was just a hawk or something but then it got substantially closer, to where it was circling right above my head and I realised it was an eagle. 

I don't remember seeing one quite like this before. The way it just silently glided through the sky was quite mesmerising. I was pretty blown away! 

Even youths grow tired and weary,
    and young men stumble and fall;
 but those who hope in the Lord
    will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
    they will run and not grow weary,
    they will walk and not be faint.

Isaiah 40:30-31

After a short time relaxing, I decided I should probably move on because I wasn't sure what time the sun would be setting. I walked towards the stairs you can see in the picture above, the snow there was much deeper than it looked and the bottom half of the stairs was engulfed in snow. I realised I probably shouldn't have decided to do that but, too late! As I was out of the danger zone, I saw a sign saying 'Do you have all of your belongings?' Always a good question. I turned around to check that I did and in the distance, saw my trusty companion to every journey - my purple water bottle sitting on the bench I had been sat at. Chaos ensued in my head as I debated whether it was worth climbing back down those stairs for something so easily replaceable yet so handy. In the end, I decided to leave it thinking that if anyone took that path, they may retrieve it and we could have a beautiful reunion. 

 On with the journey. I had a map with me and felt overly confident in my ability to navigate but thought there wasn't much chance of me getting lost because my trail was only about 1.5 miles. I started to follow the path down hill after seeing a sign for the trail I was looking for. I kept walking and then came to an area which looked like it had never seen a trail before. I stopped to look around but couldn't see a sign anywhere that would point me in the right direction. Everything sort of looked the same. I started to panic slightly knowing that I had walked a fair way from the lake, had no cell phone on me  and didn't know when the sun would go down. I started to climb back up the hill through trees and branches, ducking and climbing, trying not to slip. I reached a clearing and found a big hill that looked fairly dry and I just started to run. By this point I was envisioning bears. Lots of bears. Big, huge scary bears who would eat me. Then I realised, if I were truly lost - someone would see my water bottle, my saving grace, and would find this lost, terrible map reader and rescue her. As I reached the top of the hill, I bumped into someone else from the retreat who seemed to be having the time of her life so I realised that I wasn't really lost at all. I just have a wild imagination. She encouraged me to head back and pick up my waterbottle because it matched my jumper so well. Following this logic, I took her advice and attempted the stairs once more:

Target's finest waterbottle.

Now I was back on the path I knew and loved and was able to get back to the center. I stumbled upon a friend and a cute rabbit in the nature center who 'liked to have her nose petted.' She loved that nose rubbing.

The end of an adventurous day!

We also entered daylight savings time so lost an hour of sleep which is never what you want to hear when you're still playing a game at 12:30am and breakfast is at 8am. 

To conclude, I often find that I get more out of weekends like this one when I'm wandering around outside by myself but I did really enjoy my time there with everyone else. We focussed on beauty, how we were each created uniquely, born with gifts and talents that show our attractiveness not solely based on our outward appearance. We talked about ways to let go of our fears and strongholds and move forwards in the truth that we have a beautiful creator and we are made to reflect Him, no matter what words may have been spoken over us. We also ate WAY too many snacks. But, who the heck cares. We are women and we love to snack.  

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Recent Reflections.

After all the years I had been wanting to come to work in America, this would be the last place I would've thought I'd find myself. A tea-drinking, dress only wearing, Pride & Prejudice loving Yorkshire lass thrown into inner city urban youth ministry. In everyway, I am completely opposite to these kids but am compelled by a love greater than my insecurities and physical boundaries to do my best to give them some hope. 

Just yesterday, I volunteered to help at a different camp with Urban Promise as mine is closed whilst the leaders are recruiting interns for the summer. Myself and Joni had to walk to meet them at a designated point so that we could all walk to the camp together. I had never been to this camp before, and wasn't sure that I knew any of the kids. As we were walking down a street I had never before walked down, I suddenly heard a chorus of 'MISS SARAHHHHHH,' followed by two kids running towards me and throwing their arms around me. I guess I had met some of them before! The two of them came on the retreat I attended a couple of weeks ago, but never in my wildest dreams had I thought they would remember me. I think I sat with them perhaps for an hour that entire weekend. 

As we walked, one of the girls I had just met promptly grabbed my hand and would not let go for the duration of the journey. What really struck me was, as she was sweetly holding my hand - she was also making threats to one of the other girls if she 'rolled her eyes ONE MORE TIME!!!!' I had to explain to her that sometimes in life, we might have to learn to love people we don't like. That's a hard lesson for anyone, let alone a 5th grader I just met 5 minutes ago. 

'According to Jesus, in the hierarchy of spiritual acts and activities, love tops them all. Move over virginity, church attendance, group dating, morning devotions and crucifixion jewelry. Love is the new king of the mountain.

That means we don’t get to ignore the co-worker who drives us crazy, despise the neighbor who parties too loudly, condemn the relative who votes differently than we do or hate the boss who makes life miserable. Whether we like a person or not, we are commanded to love.

In the language of grace, love is both the exception and the rule.

If anyone knew how to love people who weren’t very likable, it was Jesus. After all, He spent three years in the company of Judas, who was stealing, manipulating and scheming to betray Him.' (Taken from here)

I was sat a few days ago at my own Urban Promise camp with one of the 5th graders who was writing down some goals for his future. I told him about how when I was in High School, I wrote a list like that of my own:

Eight years ago, I knew what I wanted to do and I worked hard to get there. I never knew how it would look, where it would take me or who it would take me to. It hit me in that moment as I told him about my list and how I had achieved it all.  I saw the smile appear on his face as he thought about the things he could do and that was so exciting for me. I realised as we were talking that I needed to add a few things to my list! 

Here I am, so far from home - knowing that I'm having these conversations with kids who might not hear a positive word that day, especially the kids who come to the YFC Center. I may think of these words as insignificant but to someone who has no or little hope, who knows what might come of that. This may not be a place that I would ever have chosen for myself, but I am sure that I can find enough reasons to love it, even if I don't always like it!

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Time To Go!

Well, after approximately 6 long hours, I am finally packed up and ready for the big move. It's much different than when I moved to University, because that required all sorts of items like pans, dishes, bedding, lamps etc, whilst this is purely clothes and a couple of home comforts. I have managed to fill 2 suitcases and a holdall, hoping that I haven't forgotten anything drastically important. The Yorkshire tea was one of the first things in there and I separated the Earl Grey into another case should one happen to go missing on the journey! I have also stocked up on hats, scarves and mittens just in case the big freeze lasts any longer. If it doesn't stay cold, I will be a little bit gutted because I really want to wear my new bobble hat. 

Admittedly, I am absolutely worn out after a wonderful but busy week at the British YFC Conference. We just spent 5 days in a hotel with a jam packed schedule of great speakers, time to gather together and attend seminars about youth work. It was so nice to hear about a subject I am SO passionate about again, it really set me up to go back in to working with young people again. One thing that stood out to me was what an incredible privilege it was to spend five days amongst people who share that same passion. I was so overwhelmed to be surrounded by people who are willing to better themselves, push themselves, take risks, get up every day at 7am when they're technically off work - all for the benefit of the young people they work with, and for those they have not even met yet. It was so beautiful. 

Youth work is NOT a selfish profession. That was so clearly demonstrated amongst the YFC family this week. We do everything in order that we might reach more young people, the ones who no-one else wants to work with, the ones without a family, an education, self-esteem, self-belief, a purpose, hope. We gather together to learn more from each other about how we can do that better, to make our work wider and more relevant, to build better relationships, to make a deeper and more lasting impact and to love each other more. What better reason to get up in the morning! 

Often, people over complicate youth work. One of my favourite speakers was Mark Oestreicher. He wasn't just my favourite because he is American and has a big beard. He spoke so honestly and gave such good advice that is so applicable to my life and work. If you work with young people, I recommend that you read some of his stuff and great ready to learn some great things! In one of his talks he said this:

'The power of great Youth Work/Ministry can be summed up in these 3 points;

• Showing up
• Listening
• Words of truth'

Just by you, an adult, turning up at a youth group - you could massively impact the life of a young person without even realising it. All you have to do is BE there! Easy as pie. 

Giving a listening ear to young people today in a world where their voices are very rarely heard or taken seriously, can lead to a VITAL relationship in their live whilst they are living a 'relationally disconnected' life. 

Good words spoken into the lives of teenagers who are constantly put down. 'You're so creative, you're beautiful, you're a great friend, you'd make a great leader, you are loved just as you are, you were worth dying for' - these few words could transform a young persons life. It could impact them for y-e-a-r-s to come. You may not even recall saying it to them. 

This totally blew me away. It takes such a small step to get involved with volunteering in any form of youth work be it at your local Church, on mission, in a youth centre, reading to kids in a school or millions of other formats - we can ALL sacrifice even just an hour a week just to have the chance at giving a positive impact in the life of a young person who was worth dying for. Often, it seems like a scary thing - but young people need a whole plethora of adults in their lives to help them make sense of this ever changing world. With the rapid growth of the internet and social networking, levels of face to face communication are always dropping. But we can be the solution! We can be brave, step out and get involved. 

So, can you listen? Can you show up? Can you speak words of truth into the lives of young people? If you can - I would urge you to find out how you can get involved in something local to you that seeks to benefit youngsters. It could end up being transformational for you too! 

It is time for me to find out what life is like for American young people and to figure out how I can best help them in the 6 months that I have with them. I am SO excited to get over there and to practice what I preach! I am so grateful for all those that have supported me to get me there - this is more for them than it is for me and I mean that from the bottom of my heart. Please do follow my journey as I leave the comfort of my belovéd Yorkshire hills to work with young people in YFC Delaware. 

It’s quite simple: Do what is fair and just to your neighbor,

    be compassionate and loyal in your love,

And don’t take yourself too seriously—

    take God seriously.

Micah 6:8

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