The mess behind the message

Back in high school, in a moment of madness, I decided to study art. I am by no stretch of the imagination an artist, and am certainly average at best but have always admired those that  do have the gift. One of the people who grabbed my attention during my studies was Salvador Dalí. To some, he was simply a bit crackers but I think he was quite the genius. I was lucky enough to visit one of his galleries in St Petersburg, Florida. One of the paintings I saw there, is one I often refer to when I realise once again, that I’ve gone way too far into my own head and need to regain some perspective.  

http://thedali.org/exhibit/gala-contemplating-mediterranean-sea/

This painting, struck me more than any I’ve ever seen. The approximate size of this piece is 250cm x 190cm (according to the website) which might give a good idea of the scale we’re talking about. The detail up close, is nothing short of incredible. And then, you step back 20 metres. Suddenly, the picture transforms into something else and reveals a portrait of Abraham Lincoln. It is crazy. 

What does this have to do with life? Well, I am Sarah and I am a serial over-thinker. I love personal reflection, I am a true introvert and will usually be found in a coffee shop trying desperately to find space and make sense of everything I’ve seen. It’s also why I write, as a means of getting at least some of the things rattling around in my very busy mind onto paper. But sometimes, this can be a dangerous practice. 

Mix three new starts in two years, and I mean full new starts; moving house, area, job, or even country - and the results are somewhat overwhelming. You learn so much about yourself when you are pushed out of your comfort zone. Just when you think you really know who you are, you’re thrown into a fresh set of circumstances and you simply have to adapt. You begin to see things you didn’t know about you. You carry that forward into your next stage, and you find yourself trying to show a whole new bunch of people who you are and what you’re about. Well, I’ve done that so many times in my relatively short number of years that all of a sudden, I couldn’t really remember who I was. I can articulate who I am, my core values - but who am I after all those ‘things’ I’ve just experienced? All the new things, heartbreaking things in some cases, that I’ve seen? After meeting all those people who’ve impacted my life, loved me, challenged me, hurt me, betrayed me or misunderstood me? What is my role in this new place, where do I fit, who will my true friends be, where should I put my roots? Who am I now? 

The challenge for me has been this - how will these new people love me, when I feel like such a hot mess? Can’t I just hide the behind the scenes and show them the best bits, once I’ve dealt with it all myself? The biggest battle can often be when we feel as though we aren’t our best selves, and the fear that follows of how we are perceived. What will they think of me, what if they think I’m always this negative? Should I be less this, more that? No. You should be who you are, and so should I. We are human beings (in case you didn’t know). We have good days, we have bad days. Some days we need to receive grace, some days we need to give grace. We are called to love one another through the good, the bad and the ugly. Does that mean we only deserve love when we are rainbows and butterflies?  Heck, no. 

This, is the beauty of community. I will never stop talking about community, because I believe to my very core that we were born with a desire for it. A yearning to know that we belong, that someone understands us, that we have acceptance, friends, people we can depend on and a place to gain perspective. When I get too wrapped up in my head - what makes me step back 20 metres to see a different picture entirely is community. Those that can tell me what they see when they look at me. Those that listen, advice, counsel, snap me out of it - and promise to journey through it all with me. But the real joy comes after this. That once they’ve pulled me out of the darkness and back into the light, I am closer to being restored and can offer this in return. We need each other. We need to be for each other, however ugly we might feel in ourselves - we deserve each other. However many times we need to be reminded of it, we are each so worth loving. 

http://soworthloving.tumblr.com/page/2

So here is my prayer. That we wont be afraid to show our mess and not just our message. That we can be real, and raw and unapologetically ourselves. That we can do this together, sharing  and showing one another grace that we were so undeservedly given. That we would accept who we are, and know that we are loved unconditionally in whatever stage we are at; the good, the bad or the ugly. 

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Your Best Yes.

“Saying yes all the time won’t make me wonder woman, it will make me a worn-out woman.” Lysa Terkuerst I have just finished reading a book called 'The Best Yes' by Lysa Terkuerst. I loved every word of it. I have to say, it felt good to actually find time again to sit down and read a book, so the fact that it offered some pretty transformational stuff was a real bonus! It was packed to the rafters with simple truths that so many of us have forgotten in and amongst the busyness of our lives. 
As I settle in to a new routine, I have really started to process all the things I learnt in my time in America. One of the things I was not very good at over there was saying 'no.' I love to serve, love to make things happen and love to be on the move but this soon led me to disaster. Overwhelmed by all the things I could be doing, the people I could be helping, the meals I could be preparing, I soon forgot how to take care of myself. Many of the yes's I said were good but they were rarely directed at myself. I soon became so consumed by all the yes's I could be saying for others that I was unable to sleep properly, to control my tears and to switch off and prioritise rest. In the end, I had utterly lost myself. 
As Christians, we are called to some quite simple but highly important actions:

Jesus said, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your passion and prayer and intelligence.’ This is the most important, the first on any list. But there is a second to set alongside it: ‘Love others as well as you love yourself.’ These two commands are pegs; everything in God’s Law and the Prophets hangs from them.”

Matthew 22:37-40
How can we love others, if we don't know how to love ourselves? How do we find others important, if we don't believe we ourselves are important? How to we truly take care of others, if we don't know how to care for ourselves? The more we see of the world, the more we see how hurting and broken it is. Truthfully, there will always be something that we could be doing to serve someone else. But if in the midst of our service, we are neglecting ourselves - we have missed the mark. I cannot be all, see all, hear all and do all. I cannot give out of an empty store. If I allow my mind to be constantly filled with the needs of others, my own needs soon escape and they go on ignored. If I am trying to help someone else and make them feel important, but do not see myself as important, how effective can I really be? 
I am not much of a social networker these days, but I do daily check my beloved Instagram. I follow an organisation called 'So Worth Loving' who post so many little inspirations. Here's a good un I read the other day:

‘“Surround yourself with people who build you up and inspire you not to give up” - Concious magazine. Loving people comes as you learn to love yourself. Community can be your safe escape. When you don’t have it in you to love on yourself you can lean into the people around you to lift you up. Let the way they love you bring hope that you will get through. With community, there is hope.’

Sometimes, when we have neglected ourselves for so long, there is a point at which we break and recognise the need for change. It isn't easy. In order to push through, we need each other, we need friends who love us and care for us to help bind back together our broken hearts. One thing I realised in the US was that however much people complimented me, encouraged me and built me up - it never felt like enough. In my mind, I was constantly thinking; 'but I could've done that better,' 'but I shouldn't have said that,' 'there is more I could be doing.' I didn't allow myself to accept the kindness being offered because I didn't think I deserved it. I was 'just doing my job.' But now I am on a new journey. 

Saying no is not easy. Trying to prioritise myself feels extremely unnatural. Listening to myself and what I need feels odd. But I cannot live a life without such boundaries without burning out and becoming useful to no-one. For the first time, I am not rushing myself through this season but allowing my heart and head the time it needs to heal, hear and feel truth. The biggest lesson I have taken from the aforementioned book is that I can say 100 yes's to all sorts of seemingly wonderful things- but in doing that, I could be saying one big fat no to something that could've been the best thing for me. If I sign up to 10 different great things; serving at Church, volunteering at a Charity, getting back into youth ministry, taking on extra things at work - then I stretch myself so far that I cannot do them all well. However, if I sit - weigh up decisions, see if it fits in my schedule, check how much time I can dedicate to it, how well I can do it then that could be one, huge best yes that truly benefits everyone. 

Boundaries are so healthy and we all need not only to have them in our lives but also protect them. Right now, I am in a time of rebuilding and strengthening. I don't have much energy or strength to take on much more than I have. I am at peace with that. I owe myself this time and am so thankful that I have such close friends who are picking me up, loving me and pouring in to me. I do not have to justify my decisions to anyone on earth and to me, that feels like freedom! Today, I need to be in the comfort of my safety zone and though I won't stay there forever - it's the only place I can focus on right now.

‘Every day we make choices. Then our choices make us.’

Lysa Terkuerst. 

What choices can you make today that will give you a better tomorrow?

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People versus Things.

I've had this post rattling around in my head for the past few days but got distracted by 'Nashville,' my favourite EVER television program, which I have to keep reminding myself is infact, fiction. So here it is, better late than never!

I have mentioned topics similar to this before, but never this exactly. I want to talk about where we place our true value. Is it in people, or is it in things? 

We all like to accumulate things. I, for one cannot stop buying things that one day will fill a home of my own. I'm forever buying tea-sets, vintage glass, anything from Cath Kidston (hence the picture) and strangely enough, bed linen. But what would happen if one day, I was asked to give it all up? What if all these nice things that would make for a beautiful tea party were one day taken away from me? Would life still be liveable? For me, OF COURSE. 

My treasure doesn't live in the things that I own. I don't place more value on my laptop than my friends. Though it may do a lot of good things for me such as; allow me to send emails, listen to music, watch films, edit photos, make presentations - it doesn't do other things like; listen to me when i'm upset, offer me support and guidance, love me, make me laugh, support me, console me. All the 'real' things that I couldn't do without. 

I have learnt this lesson first hand lately. At the moment, seeing as though I only work part time, I am not exactly raking it in. I have to budget, say no to things I don't really need and think about where I want to invest the little that I do have. But working little hours has given me something truly beautiful. Time. Time to be with friends, to bake with them, to eat with them, to talk & listen to them, to drink tea with them, to relax with them. Time to be with my family. Time to read, to travel, to discover new places, to catch up with old friends and to make new ones. We all know that we don't get time back. We never know when it is going to run out, and we must, MUST, MUST learn to make the most of it. 

We cannot spend our lives chasing after 'things' that in the end, mean nothing. We so easily convince ourselves that we need to be a part of the latest trends, that we need this or that to be truly included in a group etc etc. But do we? It's so hard in a world that tells us the complete opposite, that we are defined by our wealth, the beauty of our homes, what we drive, how we dress and  who we are seen with. But when we take a step back, does any of that truly matter? Or instead should we be defined by something else?  

Perhaps we should be defined by how well love each other. How accepting we are of others, despite our differences, financial status, location, occupation and live together in community. By how quickly forget the past, the arguments and disagreements that nobody can even remember why they started and move forwards. Our willingness to be inconvenienced to help somebody in need, or indeed somebody who wants a sympathetic ear. Our desire to give up our time to volunteer for a local Charity. Our joy to sacrifice a coffee to buy a homeless person some lunch. Or maybe our ability to recognise that people are more important than things?

‘For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.’

Matthew 6:21 

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What's in a Friend?

I've been thinking about friendship a lot lately. As a lot of my friendships have changed of late, it has caused me to sit back and think about which are true friends, ones which will no doubt be life long, and those which are fleeting or seasonal. Both are important, as both teach us great life lessons - good and bad. I suppose that i've been forced to reflect on this subject for sad reasons. As mentioned in this post, I decided recently to make a few changes. I left a community that I was a part of for around 8 years of my life and have found the aftermath of that quite hurtful in all honesty. I don't wish to go too much into that as in time, I will learn to forgive those who have hurt me, many of whom were very close to me, and move on. This isn't the place to detail it all. However, one thing that decision has taught me is what a true friend should be.

Friendships have the power to shape who we are, for we are influenced by those whom we love and respect. Through good frienships we can be changed, improved, hurt, blessed and strengthened to name a few. I think this is a beautiful thing, this notion of living life together with others:

'[Great Satisfaction] to me is in being with people I am fond of and feeling that in some small way I can help make life happier or more interesting for them or help them to achieve their objective. To me that is much more important than anything else in my life.'

Eleanor Roosevelt, You Learn By Living.

When I say 'true friends,' I'm not simply talking about someone who 'does' big things for you all the time, maybe lending you money, letting you sleep on their couch, going on holiday with you etc, though that might be nice. I find that smaller acts of friendship mean more to me, though they may be insignificant to others. For me, the kind of friends I want to spend my life with are those who will text me to see how my day has been. Just because they care. Or those who had a quiet night planned but can see I really need to talk to someone - so they take me to the pub. Even those who I can sit by the fire with a cup of tea and a piece of cake, catching up on what's happened in our weeks. People I can bare my soul to in one breath and laugh out loud with the next. For me, true friendships involve sacrifice on both sides - when one needs to talk, the other one is there to listen and vice versa. There are the ones where you don't see each other for weeks, and then pick up exactly where you left off. The ones where you never run out of anything to say. The ones where it's ok to sit in silence together. The ones that last.

You see, I've started an 'introduction to counselling' course, and just went to my second meeting this evening. It's surprised me how much i've learnt in 4 short hours, but some fascinating insights have come out of it so far. It's taught me to look at some friendships in a different way (sometimes these things are dangerous for me because i'm naturally so analytical - nobody is safe haha!) - and it's helped them make sense to me. I'm used to being a listener and advice giver - and though I love that role, and feel blessed by people who feel comfortable enough to open up to me, this course has taught me that with some friendships it is unlikely that the tables will be turned due to the nature of our relationship. For example, you may have a friend who you always listen to. When you try and open up to them, their reaction may not be so positive and they may not cope with it. In this case - you may need to seek advice from someone else!

Another thing we discussed was the change in the need for community in todays society compared to in the past. Of course, this affects our friendships too.

'Today we are encouraged to be more self-sufficient and independent and may live and work away from close friends and relatives. It can be more difficult asking for help - [we may think] it is a sign of 'weakness' or 'neediness.' When we lived in smaller communities, families, friends and neighbours helped each other on a daily basis and were uninhibited in asking each other for help.' 

(taken from my course notes)

We are afraid to say we need each other, to ask each other for help, advice, guidance, a shoulder to cry on when indeed we should feel able to do this every single day. We weren't created to do life alone, we were created to live it together, learning from each other. I admit, that some of my friendships have ended because I had tried to ask for help, making sure I was as honest as possible - and was not helped and cared for in the way I needed to be. I do not want to sit here and feel bitter, or let down by them -  I want to be thankful for the good seasons we shared and move on to work on the amazing friendships I have since been so blessed with. For our own good, sometimes it is the right thing to do, to let go of some friendships and accept them for what they are. But other times, we can enjoy the ones we have that will make sure we feel loved no matter what!

Much Love xxx

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'You Learn by Living' Part 3 - Individuality.

Learning how to 'be' yourself is something I am really interested in. It's funny how hard it is to do in such a judgemental society, one that is always telling us that we 'need' this, or that to be beautiful. That this miracle product will magically stop us from looking older, our eyes will look less puffy, our hair will be shinier or we will attract more men/women if we use a certain type of body spray. We are constantly bombarded with ways that we can improve instead of ways to help us be comfortable with who we actually are. If we aren't careful, we so easily conform to act in ways that society deems the norm and we lose ourselves. 

'We are facing a great danger today. The loss of our individuality...it's your life - but only if you make it so.'

So often when we are trying to make a decision, one of our biggest worries is 'what will other people think.' I remember when I was getting ready for a wedding recently (I get invited to a LOT of weddings) and for weeks I freaked out about the dress I had. It had everything that I loved in a dress. It had roses on it, and lace and went in at the waist. It was about knee length and could be worn comfortably with tights and nice shoes. But all I could think was 'will everyone think it's not formal enough for a wedding?' 'Will they think I didn't try hard enough to make an effort?' Even on the DAY BEFORE the wedding I spent the whole day in town searching for another dress that might be a bit more posh. In the end I stuck to my first choice. I got to the wedding and saw someone in jeans and then realised how much time I wasted thinking about such a ridiculous 'problem.' But we think like this more often than we realise. Probably on a daily basis. But we need to stop it! 

'It is a brave thing to have courage to be an individual, it is also, perhaps, a lonely thing. But it is better than not being an individual, which is to be nobody at all.'

A lot of this decision making, whether small or large, comes from a place of confidence within ourselves. I'm sure if you know me, even a little - you will have learnt a few key things about me quite quickly. I love America, tea, baking, flowers/floral prints, babies and cowboys. I am a Christian and I spend most of my spare time in coffee shops talking to people. Due to the fact that I know my tastes, people are always telling me that I'm easy to buy for...which is nice because I always make use of the gifts people give me. This kind of confidence took a while to grow, but these are the things that make me who I am. 

'Of course, this means you must have a certain confidence in your own taste. And here, I think is the key to much conformity - the lack of self-confidence that makes people fearful of following their own bent.'

Once we are confident in being ourselves, we need to let go of other fears. As we become stronger, and more able to make our own decisions - we must stop worrying what other people will think of us. I have personally struggled with this a lot recently. I've been muddling through, trying to make decisions when I have no control over what is going on. I knew there were certain things I wasn't ready for, such as moving away again or stepping into a full time Youth Work career. Of course, where I have ended up at present is not where I would've put myself but I'm enjoying the moment. I have time to work and see my friends/remain involved in working with young people plus other activities that I have found myself being a part of. I have been able to read, bake and create. I have had time to rebuild and be strengthened. All of this, I am so thankful for. It has been hard to try and explain this to others but one thing that has become apparent is this: 'if people believe in you, they will trust your motives.' I need to do what I know needs to be done, and I do not have to answer to people for my chosen actions. 

'Sooner or later, you are bound to discover that you cannot please all of the people around you all of the time. So you had better learn fairly early that you must not expect to have everyone understand what you say and what you do.'

One good way of making sure that you stick to this is by setting boundaries for yourself. Whether that be with work, home, friends, Church, family etc. If I have a day off, I work hard to make sure that I do nothing specific to my job. That time is mine, to spend how I wish with who I wish and I am responsible for ensuring that I make the most of it. If I am with a friend over coffee, I try hard not to respond to texts/phone calls from other people because that is my time to give to that one person. Everytime I go to the cinema, I switch my phone off and get lost in the movie...that's one of my favourite things to do (even though those 2 hours are the time when the whole WORLD wants to get in touch with me!) My phone goes into 'Do not Disturb' mode at 10pm so I generally don't respond until the morning unless it's an emergency. These are my ways of making sure I take a bit of time to look after myself so that I don't burnout, because then I am useless to everyone!

'Success must include 2 things: the development of an individual to his utmost potentiality and a contribution of some kind to one's world.'

I am not adding to the world's message of 'it's all about me, me, me.' The reasons I am writing this are that learning to be confident in who we are and the decisions we make should in turn, allow us to make a good contribution to the world in which we live. We will not be held back by fear and insecurity, rather we will be free to be who we were created to be and will naturally encourage others to do the same. I believe we all have a responsibility to do something useful with our lives, to educate ourselves on what is going on in the world and to offer our skills/gifts/talents to people that will truly benefit from them. To do this, we need each other. I cannot change the world single handedly, I wasn't created to do that. However when I join the work of other people that share similar passions that I do, we can make a collective difference.

'The knowledge of how little you can do alone teaches you humility.'

I have reached this place not through my own strength or my own merit. I have been incredibly blessed to do life with people who speak wisdom, who act as great friends or role models, who inspire me and speak truth to me. I couldn't, and wouldn't WANT to do life alone. Though I am an individual, I am also in community and have something to GIVE as well as to RECEIVE.

'God said, “It’s not good for the Man to be alone; I’ll make him a helper, a companion.” Genesis 2:18

Much Love xxx

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'You Learn by Living' Part 2 - Fear.

Welcome to the second part of my series based on this lovely book. The topic of this blog is fear. A topic that, if you have read anything else on here (bar the recipes!) you will know appears often in my writing. When I saw that this book had a whole chapter devoted to this subject, I read it pretty eagerly. The more I read, the more I realise how much this inspirational woman achieved, and she did it with a wonderful humility.

Linking back to the first part of this series, the focus there was based on the concept of 'lifelong learning' i.e. we stand to learn something from every experience we have in life whether good, bad or ugly. (Had to get my second cowboy reference in there as yesterday I finally got to see 'Django Unchained,' and can't stop thinking about it.) This serves as a continuation from that.

'You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face.'

So much of our lives is spent running away from things that truly scare us. Of course, it is easier to stay within that zone of comfort because it is scarier to step out of it. We can easily avoid dealing with things that we are afraid of; if we are scared of the dark, sleep with the light on. If we are scared of heights, avoid bridges and mountains. If we are afraid of roller-coasters, don't go to a theme park. Avoiding the problem doesn't make it go away, it just puts it to sleep for a little while until it crops up again. But why do we let ourselves live like this? We only truly find our courage when we face one fear, and realise that it wasn't as hard as we first thought - then we have strength to fight something the next time that is potentially more difficult.

'I haven't ever believed that anything supported by fear can stand against freedom from fear. Surely we cannot be so stupid as to let ourselves become shackled by senseless fears.' 

These fears might not only be in the league of 'spiders' and other such things. There are other fears. The ones that make us worry about what other people think of us. The way we look, dress, talk, where we work, the decisions that we make. I know recently I faced up to a decision I knew I had to make, but I was scared to on the basis of what others would think of it. I left a group of which I had been a part for many years. It wasn't easy to do, but I knew I had to - even if for a short time. This group happened to be a Church. I was worried about leaving because I knew people would question it, but the truth is - I just wasn't going for the right reasons anymore. I was going because that's what I did, I was expected to. But that's not why you go to Church. I miss them. But I sit here knowing it was the right decision because it has set me free. I was anxious about facing up to it, making excuses but in the end I had to bite the bullet, whether it confused people or not. 

'Since everybody is an individual, nobody can be you. You are unique. No-one can tell you how to use your time. It is yours. Your life is your own. You mould it. You make it. All anyone can do is to point out ways and means which have been helpful to others.'

If anything, my Faith has grown because it has given me space to realise that a lot of my 'wants' and 'dreams' were not based on what I truly wanted for my life, and what I thought was right for my life - moreover they had been based on what I had seen others do in their life and thought that was the obvious path for me. I know realise that isn't the truth. I need people around me who will encourage my strange and unconventional dreams and will support me at any cost to get there rather than shrink them to give me happiness now, rather than to wait a while longer. I'm getting quite good at waiting. 

'Do the things that interest you and do them with all your heart. Don't be concerned about whether people are watching you or criticising you. It's your attention to yourself that is so stultifying. But you have to disregard yourself as completely as possible. If you fail the first time, you just have to try harder the second time.'

We naturally think too hard, I am extremely guilty of that. I have a tendency to over-analyse but can often use that to work in my favour. At times, I just have to stop myself, and do what I need to do. When I withdrew from Facebook - it seemed like a crazy decision. I threw so much of my life on there, (as does everyone) I was 'friends' with people I barely saw and what would be a supposed ten minute flick through often turned to hours of getting sucked in to reading updates about other peoples lives. I can tell you now, I have not missed it one bit. I think we're all better off without it, and better with real, authentic friendships. People throw all-sorts of information on there based on insecurities and 'oh look at me.' I think we would be better off being truly honest with the people that are in front of us to help us face our fears; loneliness, abandonment, rejection, loss. Real fears that are there everyday, that control us and consume us. We are afraid to burden each other even though that is why we have friends in the first place - to share in the joys AND the sorrows. Those friends who truly love us, will endure through difficulties alongside us, because why wouldn't they?

'I learned to stare down each of my fears, conquer it, attain the hard earned courage to go on to the next. Only then was I really free.'

When we begin to look at our lives, at our fears and insecurities, as we open up to those whom we love and can trust - we find the strength to face up to them. It's a part of life that isn't nice and flowery, more likely painful - but it has to be worth it if it sets us free. I hope this has encouraged you!

Much Love xxx

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'The Renewing of Your Mind'

Following my post re: New Year, I've decided to make a few 'head' changes. I deactivated one of my social networks the other day as a way of cutting all the time I spend trawling through posts by people I barely know and instead inputting my time into those who are closest to me so that I can know them really well. I've noticed i'm not the only one going this way as a few people have done the same. It feels as if I've gone back in time, back to the years before all this internet nonsense got in the way of real and true friendships.

It's not the only thing it's bad for. I've spoken time and again about the way we spend our lives comparing ourselves to others. Social networking has a way of making us feel better about ourselves by throwing our personal lives all over the internet to see how many 'likes' we can get. Our insecurities are not going to be resolved this way. It might be a temporary fix that 70 people said Happy Birthday to us, but that doesn't make those people true friends, who would be there when you need them.

You see, I've reached a place where honesty is always going to be the best policy. (Unfortunately, once I've had a drink or two, it gets worse.)

“It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not.” 

― André Gide, Autumn Leaves

There's just no point in pretending anymore! Why do we do it?! We were chatting last night in the pub, about how when you're in a relationship and your partner annoys you - you will most likely tell them, yet in our friendships we rarely do the same thing. Not only this, but if we aren't open with our friends - how are they ever able to truly help us? If there aren't some people in the world that we can be real with then how can we ever be ourselves? Sometimes we can be our own worst enemies!

So this year; I am going to write more letters, drink more coffees, keep it real, make more phone calls and focus on those whom I truly love. I am going to forget about fear, and take courage in my own decisions without feeling like I have to explain myself to everyone. I am also going to love more.

“Not all of us can do great things. But we can do small things with great love.” 

― Mother Teresa

P.s. I found this great website the other day which has spent many an hour inspiring me: look here :)

Much Love xxx

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The Core.

Sorry I've been a bit quiet lately! I've just had yet another trip, which involved visiting my beloved Chester for the first time since I left it. It was such a wonderful yet overwhelming time which I have not yet had time to process as I've not stopped until right now. It felt so good to see the faces that once surrounded me every day which became absent for these past 16 or so weeks. It was also great to see the ones I didn't see so much as we all picked up where we left off. I got lots of time to catch up with familiar faces (one of which I hadn't seen in over a year) to come up to speed with what changes have occurred in our lives. I left feeling incredibly blessed, and thankful that those friendships still remain, whether I am there or not.

I read this excellent article yesterday which really got me thinking further about this. I'm in a similar situation to this woman, aside from the fact that I have returned home and am not in a new place with a husband. As I spoke to people back in Chester about 'what I am now doing with my life,' I began to become frustrated. I don't have a 'label' at the moment. I started to think that's all I need and then I'll be fine. I need to be able to say, 'Hi, I'm Sarah and I'm a _____________' youth worker, receptionist, administrator, student worker, support worker, teaching assistant etc. The more I have thought about what it is that I want to 'be,' the more confused I become. I feel like there are a lot of things that I could 'do' and love, especially when thinking about employment - you should see everything I have applied for, it varies quite substantially! But that doesn't make me who I am.

If people talk about me, I don't want them to just thinking 'oh yeah she was great at making spreadsheets' or 'she made great cupcakes,' (though I would of course appreciate that!) I want something more. As I've tried to reach the core of what I want, I realise it is this. I want people to say 'she was really good at loving.' The more I continue this journey with God, I realise how incredible He is at loving not just me - but His creation. I find it so overwhelming. That I, so insignificant could have been created by the same God that created things such as this:

You may not believe that, but I do with every fibre of my being. I believe I have seen God in my life and in others and I believe that He is the one who is responsible for all the amazing people I have in my life, both friends and family. All the incredible opportunities I have had so far, all of the laughter I have enjoyed, the strength I now have after going through trials and everything that awaits me in my future. I was brought to a place where I recognised that God was there so I seek to find Him in all my situations. 

You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

Jeremiah 29:12-14

I believe that God works for the good of His children. I don't think all situations are good but if we change our mind set and see it from different eyes, I believe that gives us power to change our situations. I for one want to live in freedom, freedom to love and be myself - the person I was created to be. If that means being the one who says what everyone else is thinking then so be it. If that means that sometimes I'm accidentally a bit too honest then I will apologise. All I want to be is your true friend, and a person that loves you no matter what you do. I was forgiven, and you deserve the same. I was brought out of darkness into light and hurt in to love and you should have that too. That is what I want to 'be.' A job will come for me when the time is right but in the meantime, I have other things to be thinking about. How can I love you better?

Much Love xxx

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