My Happy Place.

The last time I sat here was right at the end of summer camp. I tend to find a 'happy place' wherever I go so that when I feel overwhelmed or need to process my thoughts, I can find a space that is 'my own part of nature' where I will hopefully be undisturbed for a while. My Yorkshire happy place was atop the hills where I could see the trees, valleys and sheep. My Chester happy place were the Roman Walls where I could go and watch the sunset over the city.

So here I am, in my Wilmington happy place, legs dangling off the edge of a hidden away wall at the back of Brandywine park, perhaps for the last time. I am surrounded by big, beautiful trees that are beginning to drop fall coloured leaves that are slowly drifting towards the little waterfall which will float them down through the rock filled stream towards the fishermen and cute looking Church picnic I passed on the way in.

It's hard to find peace in such a time of unrest and confusion. All the people finding out I'm headed home who are asking what changed and wishing I would stay. All the people at home asking what I will do, what's my plan? Truthfully, I don't know. I feel like one of those little leaves in a big river, one minute floating along all calm, knowing where I am and what my role is to all of a sudden hitting a big gush of water and now I'm in a new place all over again starting at a new path, with new surroundings and a different future.

source

One thing I have learnt, is that we are called to bloom where we are planted. I remember before I left, I spoke to someone about my move to the US. He said to me that a job is a job, wherever you do it. That is so true. Moving away from home to do a job doesn't automatically make it more of a success than if I'd done it in England, though I may have thought that. Of course, making the move has changed and grown me in more ways than I could've imagined and it has given me knowledge about totally different cultures as well as giving me the chance to share mine. I have pushed my self harder than ever before and for the first time, I've found my limits. I have seen that wherever I am placed or wherever I find myself, I can find something to do that will help someone else. I never had to be thousands of miles away to do that though I have absolutely no regret in this experience.

I have mentioned this in my writing before (check (you can read here) but there's a song by Brooke Fraser that says; 'now that I have seen, I am responsible.' That line challenges me constantly. Once we know there is a need within our community, even if it means pushing outside of what is comfortable but are able to, we should do it. That is a conviction upon which I am unwilling to compromise. I can do what needs to be done wherever I am sat. I am not called to be apathetic. I am called to action. I should bloom where I am planted.

'Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.’ 

What lies ahead for me is unknown, though hopefully my immediate future will involve some rest, reunions and Yorkshire Pudding. But now I see life again from a whole new perspective, knowing there is at least one constant in my life who knows the desires of my heart and knows the plans and purpose He has for me. My Faith and hope is stronger than ever before which is helping me to find joy and peace amongst the goodbyes and upheavals. I have loved my life here and was glad to call it home, even if it was just for the length of a pregnancy as someone pointed out yesterday!!

I'd best get back to enjoying my last bit of sunshine!

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Time for a new dream...

I write this post with quite a heavy yet peaceful heart. It's funny when I look back just over the past few weeks or even days to see how quickly things can change. No two days here have ever been the same and after the team disbanded, time seemed to be going very slowly, unlike what I had experienced whilst we were still united. So much had happened over the past 7 months that I couldn't really process it all until it all ended. There was so much noise going on in my head, worries, cares, 'is everyone ok,' 'could I be doing something for someone,' 'what do I need to do tomorrow.' It was like a constant buzzing, that blocked out all of my thoughts for my own needs. I remember the moment we pulled away from Philadelphia airport thinking, 'this feels strange, I can think about myself again.' 

There's something about living in community, or so I found, that made it quite impossible for me to ever sit and think about myself. I guess I just plodded along with everything, maybe not knowing what I was agreeing to and pushing through the next day. I rarely stopped to think anything through, because there wasn't much time to. When summer camp was going on, I was all consumed by it and certainly didn't have time to stop and smell the roses. That was just not natural for me. I am an extremely reflective person. I hear comments that maybe someone will make in passing, not thinking I am listening and I will sit and stew on them for days. If I think i've caused offense, I will bring that up with the person and deal with it, maybe a week after they said it. I will sit and ponder deep thoughts, about how I could improve, how I could handle that situation better, how the other people might or might not be feeling around me, how my decisions might affect my neighbors and so on and so forth. I do not say things for dramatic effect. Usually, the words I say, particularly if they are big statements have been thought out for days on end before they come out of my mouth. I mean them. 

When I started to think I couldn't do this job without the team I had around me, I really meant it. As much as I mean the words, 'I love tea.' I began to see that the people whom were placed around me balanced me out in more ways than I first realised. If I haven't stressed this before, this is an extremely emotional job. Everytime I get a little closer to one of these kids, my heart breaks a little bit more. Whilst I know what we do is potentially life changing for them, my emotions are just too strong and I am not able to switch off. If I cannot separate my emotions from my job, I cannot function as a normal human being. Of course, you must have a true 'heart' for ministry. You need a great motivation to get out of bed every day and work more hours than most other humans and invest your life in a cause like this. For the past 8 months, that is what I have done but what I have come to realise as I have truly crashed and burned is that however much I love these children, I am not built for this role. I cannot give them my best when I haven't slept properly in days. Neither can I give them my best if I am constantly anxious and losing patience. I can't do it and take care of myself at the same time.

'Wisdom makes decisions today that will still be good tomorrow.' 

Lysa Terkeurst

So, after many days of constant prayer, advice seeking, late nights and over-thinking, I have decided to return to England. Before I set foot on that plane, I said that I was coming here to see whether or not my future was here. I decided that if it wasn't, at least I had given it a go, no regrets. Mission accomplished! I have learnt more about myself, and others in this time than I ever have in my life so far. I have done things that I would never have thought I could do but I have also learnt what my limitations are, and where I should work that will bring out the best in me. My personality type means that I am lead by feelings and emotions and that I can exist happily only when in a team, especially in a work environment. For a while, I felt I had failed my assignment. I should be able to do this, I should be able to love these kids and keep going despite my struggles but I know that is not wise. I think to truly understand, you have to experience it for yourself! 

Of course, that leaves me back in a place where I have to figure it out all over again but I will enter a new season being stronger than before, with a better understanding of who I am, with new, more mature and well rounded perspectives and an appreciation for those around me who love me like I've never had before. Without the support and belief of friends and family, I truly could not have done this at all. Knowing that they will be there to welcome me and support me the same in whatever comes next is what makes me feel good about this decision. They do not look upon this as a failure or a disappointment but they trust my judgement enough to know that I can pick myself up and carry on to the next stage. I also want to thank all the Churches and organizations filled with people who offered me more love, support and generosity than I have ever experienced. Thank you for accepting me and all my exceptionally British ways! The children I have met here have made an eternal mark upon my heart and I will never forget them. My prayer is that whatever I've done here, however small, will have done something in at least one of them that will make a difference to their future. I am abundantly blessed to know that I have friends scattered all across America (and a couple in Germany!) who I am sure will offer me a guest bed should I ever desire it ;) I am eternally grateful for every prayer prayed, every message sent, every Skype call, every cent donated, for this experience leaves me better (and hopefully others!) and more able to make a positive impact somewhere else in the future.

‘The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.’

Proverbs 16:9

America, I love ya. Thanks for letting this Yorkshire lass pursue her dream. Now, it's time to make some new ones!

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One word for 2014

I have seen this concept scattered around a couple of blogs and felt inspired to do the same. One word, that I will reflect on throughout the year that hopefully come 2015 - I will have become a little better at. I want to choose integrity.

“Integrity is built by defeating the temptation to be dishonest; humility grows when we refuse to be prideful; and endurance develops every time you reject the temptation to give up.”  ~ Rick Warren

This word has always been important to me. It's something I've always aimed for, but I think in 2013 - there were times where I failed miserably at it. The pressures of finishing my degree the previous summer and being completely confused, totally disheartened when I couldn't find a job in the area that I worked so ridiculously hard for but was so passionate about became too much and I regularly cracked. Though to some people, getting drunk is a normal thing - I did it too much. Admittedly, I could count on both hands how many times I did that this year, but each time it happened I felt more ashamed of myself. My lack of self control not just with that but with other things like my temper, increased. I don't want to compare my circumstances or say things like; 'well, they get drunk every weekend so I can't be that bad.' I'm not responsible for anyone else's actions but my own and I want to say that I disappointed myself.

Sometimes, it felt like the people around me really enjoyed seeing me make mistakes. It proved to them that I wasn't perfect, (which I have never EVER thought I was!!!) that I mess up too. I agree, I'm not perfect, I've got a long list of improvements that need to be made - but in some ways, maybe I use that as an excuse. I never really rebelled, I didn't do that in my teenage years because that was when I started going to Church, and I did it a bit at Uni but not that much. I used that as my occasional cover up, but never felt good doing it. Well, now those people know I get it wrong too. But that doesn't make me feel good inside. It doesn't make me feel like I'm being a good example. It makes me think that  people might remember me for the mistakes I have made. I don't like that.

So, I propose that this year is a fresh, new start. One to take the bull by the horns and to go full throttle into the plans that He has for me. I am so excited to be going back to an environment where I can be challenged to work for good. To use the skills that I have been blessed with to help improve the lives of others. To refind that spirit of self control and be proud of what I have achieved rather than feel guilty for my failings. I thrive off being productive, from reaching the last, the least and the lost. I know that's what I'm here for and I will go to the ends of the earth to do that. I don't want people to be encouraged by my shortcomings but rather by my successes, so that they might be inspired to do the same thing in their lives.

I want this year to be one in which I remember the importance of integrity every single day, so that I will always be encouraged to do better, to love more and to make the right choices. We all have our weaknesses and this blog is not a judgement of that. I am assessing my own character against the standards I feel I should be living up to, which I don't feel I did very well in 2013. But the beauty of all this, is that tomorrow is a brand new day and His mercies are new each morning.

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Oh, Night Divine!

I can't believe it's Christmas eve again..where has this year gone?! It's taken much longer this year for me to feel as festive as I normally do. One year whilst I was at University, I secretly decorated my entire bedroom, tree and all - my housemates only found out one by one if they knocked on my door and I let them in. That was a great October. Ha! Alas, this year I was lucky enough to experience Thanksgiving too so I will have had my fair share of turkey by the end of 2013. 

I have just gotten round to the aforementioned sugar cookies, but didn't really have enough time to but 100% effort into the decorating stage. I chose the lovely Gooseberry Patch Recipe as I had the same cutter as the one they used, and I just think their recipes are too darned CUTE. I accidentally made about 1 million cookies but hey ho - it's Christmas! One of them tragically broke in half so I was forced to try it and it was pretty yummy. 

I'm also ready for my annual Christmas Eve tradition of opening my gifts from friends at midnight that usually live under our Christmas Tree. I fought long and hard for the right to do them separately and I won. I am ready for it once again:

Last night, one of my best friends and I enjoyed a wonderful 3 course meal with a free bottle of Prosecco as part of my early Birthday celebrations. I am travelling down south on the day so I am dragging out the festivities as long as physically possible.

Thankyou, Italy and goodnight. 

We also like cocktails.

                                   

Cheers, to being another year older!

As for the rest of today, we are going to 'stay classy' and go see Anchorman 2 - before heading home for a midnight tipple and the chance to dive in to round one of my presents. I don't care how old I get, Christmas always makes me feel like it did when I was 6!! 

So, I would like to wish all of my L-O-V-E-L-Y readers the Merriest of Christmases and the Happiest of New Years! Be sure to check back here in 2014 as I blog my American Adventures. I think 2014 is going to be my most exciting one yet and I can't WAIT to share it with you all! 

Much Love xxx

P.s. I may or may not have opened the tree presents from my friends over an hour early. I simply could not wait any longer.

P.p.s. Someone PLEASE take this box of twilight mints away from me.

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Ode to Washi.

As many of you may know, I have been really busy lately trying to think of creative ways to fundraise for my upcoming American internship, other than relying on my fundraising page. I didn't want to simply ask people to throw their money at me to send me to pursue my dream job, but wanted to make nice things that would cause people to think of me when they are wrapping gifts, making hampers or spreading jam on their toast. Though, that does sound a bit weird. Anyway! I have loved this chance to get my craft box out and make nice things.

Recently, I was lucky enough to win a lovely giveaway, sent all the way from America from this beautiful blog created by this beautiful artist. I have had a quietly growing obsession for my beloved Filofax ever since I bit the bullet and bought one, which in-turn, has led to a quietly growing obsession for washi tape. What is washi tape, I hear you cry? My computer certainly doesn't know, as it keeps auto-correcting it to 'wash,' so I had better show you.

The Winning Washi

This is washi tape.

This is MY washi tape.

Along with this parcel of beauty from Aimee, came some other little brightly adorned things - one of which was a handy card filled with suggestions of how to use my tape:

Some of the things like sealing envelopes and using on gift bags are things that I like to do - they just make everything look so P.R.E.T.T.Y. The tapes are also quite strong so they stick to things really well.

                                               

I haven't had a lot of time to get making because I have been distracted by Christmas crafts as well as working and travelling as preparation for my big adventure, but here are some of the things I've been able to do with this tape:

I decorated plain pencils and brown tags (below)

I made cupcake flags

Geek moment. I decorated my Filofax.

I have started to make tags containing my Delaware address to hand to people so we can write to each other (these were a bit of a test!!).

I was so excited to win something, especially something to add to my craft box, especially ESPECIALLY because it came from America! This is the current extent of my small washi obsession:

Most of them were bought in small packs with 2 or 3 in for about £1.99 and all of them are being used in my fundraising craft making so that my friends, is my justification. Some of the other things I plan on doing with the tape are:

• Decorating tea-lights
• Making mini-bunting for cards 
• Wrapping Christmas presents/fundraising items
• Jazzing up my own craft items like jars/tins for pens and pencils

Some of my Christmas tags featuring the washi!

Thank you ladies for inspiring me, I wholeheartedly recommend following their blogs and checking out the artsyville store to get your own beautiful items if you are that way inclined! 

Much Love xxx

p.s. my lovely little artwork arrived today from Lori, all the way from Florida to a cold and blustery England! Thank you Lori, I love my little package !! xx 

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Fundraising Update.

Things have been very busy lately as I start to get organised for 6 months in America. We've tried to think of creative ways to raise some money to send me over there and I have to say, it has been really fun! 

Our house is beginning to look a little like a jam factory at the moment, I've been experimenting with different flavours and ways to decorate which make them look really homemade:

I have just made the black forest jam which is full of autumny/wintery berries and has been my favourite experiment so far. My mum makes the lemon curd which seems to fly off our kitchen island along with the strawberry jam. I have so far tried; raspberry, blueberry, mixed berry and black forest flavours. We are especially enjoying the jams that make larger quantities as they tend to make 1/2 jars which unfortunately aren't big enough to be sold, so they sadly end up on our toast. Shame. 

I have also been very busy bringing together the plans for my big American themed party. I had some amazing party supplies donated from www.partypacks.co.uk which will look amazing! The night is going to be filled with American style food and drinks, live music performed by some of my very talented friends, a very American quiz (that I need to write!), a raffle and craft/homemade stalls also made by very talented friends. 

We have been trying out 2nd hand markets too which has been great because we get rid of some of our clutter whilst making a bit of money to add to the pot! They have been nice markets because we've done some great people watching and met some nice folk. I also have a new job helping out a friend in establishing his own Charity which is keeping my mind busy and doing something useful! I am so thankful for that opportunity. 

Nearer to Christmas I'm planning on making and decorating my own salt-dough Christmas decorations as I did last year, Christmas cakes, present tags and small gift ideas that will no doubt be found on Pinterest! I also just won a beautiful set of washi tapes from this beautiful blog that are being shipped over from America so I hope to make some nice things with those! It's so nice to be creative and make nice things that people will enjoy, but will also get me closer to pursuing my dream.

I'd like to thank everybody who has already contributed to my funds, big or small - it means the world to me! If you would like to support me, please check out my Go Fund Me and read all about what I will be doing in America. I have been contacted by Delaware this week and will be attending a training day next week so it is all beginning to feel very real! What a fun time. 

Much Love xxx

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My American Dream.

I can't BELIEVE I finally get to write this post. It has been such a long time coming! This past year since graduating has not been without it's challenges for me. I spent the first six months after moving home searching for a job and getting nowhere fast. At my lowest, I sat and burst into tears with the lady in the benefits office who was trying to help me find work. I finally got some temp jobs, both went disastrously wrong, not because I couldn't do the job but for other reasons. I finally found a permanent role back in January which was not without it's learning curves but whilst I was on holiday last week, the company I worked for went into administration the day before everyone's pay day and 500 people lost their jobs.

My real turning point came a few months ago, after I thought I had found 'THE JOB.' I was so sure it was for me and I spent every day for about two months praying and thinking about it. When the closing date came around, I wasn't offered an interview. The shock of that sent me well and truly back to the drawing board. Sitting at square one, I thought about things like; in my dream world, what would I do? Where would I go? What do I KNOW I want to do? One thing quickly sprang to mind:

America. The place that I had ALWAYS wanted to explore, to figure out if it was the place for me. I want to set a disclaimer here; I am under no impression that America is some kind of dream world where everything is perfect and doesn't have issues similar to the ones we have here. I cannot explain where this dream came from or why it is there, but it is! I love the place. I decided it was time to try and find a door of opportunity that would give me a chance to experience everyday life in America and decide if it is something I want to pursue long-term. Today, I can officially say I was offered that chance. I have been offered a place as a voluntary intern with an organisation called 'YFC' or Youth For Christ in Delaware. I will go out there for 6 months starting next January to do an urban youth work placement working with at-risk youths. I am still trying to process all of this and have SO much to do to prepare for it, but this is a way for me to invest in my future, to gain experience, to live in another culture, to meet new people and to go for my dream! I will be doing some fundraising to get the costs of my trip together which I am really excited about!

So many things have led me to this place, it would take me forever to explain but I can honestly say that however difficult the past few months have been for me - I wouldn't change a thing. I have dealt with a whole host of experiences that have grown and strengthened me in so many ways. I think it's fair to say that I have been fairly unlucky but that is life! I am not here to complain. 

I will say that some of the things that have kept me going are these words in particular:

 For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened. Matt 7:8

I wrote these words, along with some others and stuck them on the mirror attached to my bedroom door. I saw them every time I went in the room, fixed my hair, took off my make up. In those words I found hope that eventually, I would knock on the right door and it would be opened. In the times of deep confusion - I hated seeing them because I didn't want to believe them, but today, the opportunity I had asked for, sought out and knocked the door of - opened! If you are in a similar position, if you have a dream, or a place that you have always wanted to live or work in - I would encourage you to GO FOR IT! The reason I became so determined to find an opportunity was that I didn't want to wait ten years and wish I had done it, I don't want to regret! However hard and hopeless life can feel, there is always something to learn from every experience, good or bad. It is always good to have hopes and dreams, and to work hard for those! 

I wrote this blog over a year ago, isn't it amazing how things work out! Who knows, maybe whilst I am in Delaware I will get to go visit that statue. Don't give up on your dreams y'all! We only have one life, don't lose yourself in your fear.

If you would like to support me financially, you can do so via this link, all donations would be gratefully received!!

Much Love xxx

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In which we run fully clothed into a fountain.

These words have been stalking me recently. Well, for the past year actually. For months, I have read them day in, day out wondering if I will ever put them back into practice. When I was at University, I did this a lot. My sense of adventure and excitement for spontaneity were alive and well. It didn't matter that we travelled for 8 hours down to the opposite end of the country to watch a one hour concert on the beach. Nor did it really matter that we arrived home from London at 2am to find the entire contents of our bedrooms switched around with someone else. We celebrated engagements, birthdays, jubilees, Christmas and 2-4-1 cocktails on a Thursday evening. We had weekends away, trips to the beach, journeys to the supermarket after midnight (rebellion at it's best.) We spent every night in the garden drinking cider and having BBQ's with our neighbours. We spent an entire day filling a paddling pool with water and all sat in it, just the once. We didn't really have a reason to fear the future, we were having too much fun! We were too busy enjoying the moment, making the most of where we were, because we knew that it wouldn't last forever. Those three years were for staying up until 4am most nights talking about goodness knows what, to adventure, to learn and experience, to find ourselves before the real world hit. No responsibilities, enjoying our independence. Those amazing years came and went so quickly that it already feels like a distant memory. 

I wasn't prepared for the job market to be as it has been. I have made so many plans based on 'if I get this job, I can...' or 'I'll be able to...' only to be turned down because I don't have enough experience. So, back to the drawing board. I've had a year of 'what will you do next?' 'Where will you go?' 'Why don't you move?' 'Do you really want that job?' 'Have you tried this, or that?' Truth be told, these questions have not made my life any easier! I have explored so many avenues to get where I want to be yet sometimes it feels like I am no closer. I have no answers, because I have no clue what's going on here! 

'She laughs without fear of the future...'

^

You may have gathered by now, that I have not done a lot of that lately. I recently attended a conference that focussed a lot on this. The masks that some of us hide behind; inadequacy, victim, perfection. Our constant battle to be 'worry free' when actually, a certain level of worry is both necessary and healthy - when we gain control of it. I learnt a lot that day. I realised how afraid I feel of making the wrong decision because I feel so lost. What if I regret this? What if I don't do this and wish I had? But a better question I needed to ask myself was this; when was the last time that I didn't feel afraid? 

It all hit me, one sunny day with a friend. You see, the weather has been driving England crazy lately. I know that we are infamous for moaning CONSTANTLY about the weather, but the problem is that it's so unpredictable that we are unprepared for everything. Snow, sun, rain, fog. We don't get enough of one weather type to make proper precautions so instead we just moan. It's never just right. We have had about a month of sunshine. Today, for the first time in as long as I can remember, I took a coat out with me, not only that, but an umbrella. Our homes and many of our shops, restaurants and cafés are not air conditioned, so we have all had to buy fans to prevent us from melting. Nobody is sleeping. But now the rain has started again, everybody is moaning because THE SUN HAS GONE. 

I digress. One fine day a couple of weeks ago, I was sat with a friend eating an ice-cream whilst we dipped our toes in a pool of water in the centre of Bradford. It was so hot that dipping our toes simply wasn't cutting the mustard. There were kids running through the fountains, splashing around in swimming costumes. So were there parents. I couldn't watch it, it was just torture - everything within me wanted to just run in there, regardless of the fact that I was fully clothed. So, we discussed this pickle in which we found ourselves and decided to drop off our belongings and my friends house and go back to the water to walk around in it. My friend was able to change into more sensible clothes, whereas I did not come prepared for this. We left our shoes with a random family and walked into the water:

photo credit

But that wasn't enough. There was a huge fountain spraying out in the middle that people were running through. We saw a guy run through it and I thought he didn't actually look that wet. So, we had to do it too. We ran. We got drenched. We LAUGHED. We laid down in the water, enjoying the sun for a while, in between a splash fight with a small child and another run through the giant fountain. I didn't care that I had mascara all down my face. I didn't care that my hair was dripping wet. I didn't care that we were walking through a busy city centre soaking wet. I didn't even care that I didn't have a change of clothes and I had to go home on the train.

I didn't CARE about the consequences, because I wanted to enjoy the moment. Not just dip my toes in whilst watching everyone else have fun, but to run into the fountain, fully clothed with my eyes closed. It was so liberating! Though to you, this may seem like nothing - for me it was a wake up call. I have been so caught up, worrying about which road to go down when really, I don't need to. I have allowed my worry to rob me of my JOY. This is not how it should be! 

'For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.' 2 Tim 1:7

Whatever road I go down, I will be challenged, blessed and tested. I cannot spend my days waiting for tomorrow to find joy in today. I must FULLY live now - it is a choice! I have to take steps into the un-known, not knowing what might be ahead of me and live it, do it and experience it. None of us know what tomorrow holds, but we CAN choose whether we will allow worry to rob us of our joy or if we will allow joy to eliminate our worry.

Much Love xxx

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Goodbye, 2012!

I suppose a New Years post was inevitable! I love new years, I always feel such hope and a sense of a new beginning - and though people complain that it's all about the hype - they need to try harder to maintain that excitement! It's been a while since I have written anyway, mainly because I feel i've left little time to think lately. 2012 was a very interesting year, full of lots of big things; sad endings and the closing of great chapters, I felt the sadness of difficulties experienced by loved ones close to me, had amazing adventures in 4 different countries, finally finished reading the Twilight Saga (ha!), made new friendships, restored old ones, moved back to Yorkshire, started the job search (still ongoing), became a graduate and started drinking Whiskey.

Looking at the start of a New Year, I'm hoping that 2013 will make more sense to me than 2012 did. It was all very unsettled, which didn't feel very comfortable or natural for me. I'm hoping that I will know, at least for a short time that I am stationed in one place. I am beginning to see the importance of just gaining a bit of life experience and living a quiet life for a while. At the core of me, that's what I've always yearned for anyway! This year, I want to focus mainly on being the best friend that I can be - making sure I spend good quality time with those who mean the most to me because in the long run, that's what truly makes a difference. I learnt a lot in 2012 about patience so waiting for a great job wont seem so hard, as long as in the meantime I have something to keep me occupied!

One thing that's really been on my mind I guess throws everything up in the air. I realised lately that I hardly ever make decisions based purely on what I think is right for me. I always feel that I have to explain myself to everyone around me, perhaps because my friends can be very vocal about what they think is right for me. Whilst I appreciate their input, I no longer want to feel guilty that I am making wrong decisions based on what they think rather than what I think. After all, I have one short life to make the most of - and I don't want to have regrets. So, I have made a couple of decisions that are potential game changers, that feel totally right. I need some space to evaluate, and work out what my Faith is for myself. I don't want to base it on other people's interpretations or opinions, I want to know what it really means for me. I've never really let myself have that before! I will no longer feel that I have to explain my decisions, though people may want other things for me - I am allowed to chose where to go and what to do as much as everybody else is! Good friends support each others decisions, and if their concerns are legitimate I will of course pay attention to them, if not - I wont! Ha.



Other than that - I'd like to see more of the world, love more, laugh more, bake more and live more - being thankful for everyday in this crazy world of uncertainty. Thank you for everything, 2012.

Bring it on 2013.

Much Love xxx

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Life as a Post-Grad.

I can't believe I'm a post graduate. That wonderful time all came and went far too quickly, and if you've been following my journey for a while - you will know it has had it's ups and downs, as has life since I finished my studies. But now, it's all officially a closed chapter...but one that I can look back on, treasure and be thankful for. It's up to us (as friends) to maintain the beautiful friendships that were created for it will be all too easy for us to drift apart and though for some of us that is bound to happen, there are a few that I don't want to do life without.

The day of graduation was laced with grand tradition. It had a very Harry Potter-esque feel to it as the ceremony took place in Chester Cathedral (well worth a visit as it is a stunner) with the opening of the event being trumpet fanfare. We had a great speech from some guy (he obviously made a great impression) who mentioned a few things that really inspired me. He said that we, as graduates have been given this opportunity to gain a degree - which is something that is not given to everybody. I know this all too well living where I do, where unemployment levels as well as motivation levels are generally very low in select communities. He said that with this in mind, we should not concentrate solely on furthering our own careers or spend our lives seeking more opportunities for our own gain - we should seek to use our knowledge and skills to improve the lives of those around us who are less fortunate. I was so GLAD he recognised this. In my line of work, I was never going to step into it with a selfish motive and I was certainly never going to be in it for the money (as if I was I would have been sorely disappointed) but helping others has always been my goal.

That of course, is not the same for everybody. I don't want to pinpoint anybody or any course in particular but I think we can easily become so entangled in our own progression that we stop seeing what is happening in the life of our struggling neighbour. We all have a responsibility to help each other and it doesn't always have to be big things (see my previous post entitled 'Townstock' for ideas.) With the education that we have been given, we can use it to benefit our community, society or world for the better OR we can use it solely to gain one up on others. I am not at all saying that progressing in your business/job is always a bad thing, success is good and promotions are a part of working life but I do think your motivation should be thought through - I have been blessed to have an experience that not everybody can share so I want the fruits of that to be of benefit to others.

Life has looked much the same for the past few months and until I get my work break through I know it wont change that much. I have my good days and bad days, frustrations and confusions but overall I have no choice but to keep doing what I am doing. Seeking opportunities, meeting people and ultimately, waiting. This time has, however brought me new friendships, restored old ones and blessed me with time to spend with treasured ones. I would be lying if I said I am happy to stay in this situation for too much longer but this is out of my hands! I am hoping that in a few months time I can look back on all of this as a stronger person who is more appreciative of the life I have been given for I will only have it once!

I will leave you with a couple of momentos from the biggest day of my life so far...

I have waited my entire life to throw that hat.

At least I caught it!

Outside the Cathedral (the only one wearing florals...)

With my degree...!

- How can you use the knowledge/expertise you have to help others?

- What were your favourite things about University?

P.s. my dad took these photos and would be mortified if I didn't credit him...www.dennisgoodwinphotography.com

Much Love xxx

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In which I change.

If these past few months have taught me anything, it's that I'm not the person I used to be. I remember how I would describe myself whilst I was still at Uni - it would be something along the lines of 'organised, love planning, hate surprises, in control.' Now, I think that couldn't be further from the truth.  For one, I have come to believe that organisation is more of a skill or gift than a personality attribute. I guess I've reached this place where I'm not able to be in control at all, so I have had to learn to wait for surprises and I can't really make any plans until a few important steps have been made.

I'm in a place where I have had to adapt to my present circumstances but still remain content with where I am. I think that's half the battle; being in a place I didn't think I would be waiting for an opportunity to come my way but still remaining hopeful and happy. I have met with professionals lately who have asked me 'where do I want to be?' or 'where do I see myself going?' and I've surprised myself with my change in answer. Before, I was very set - youth work, because that's what I'm trained in, but when you look a bit deeper or a bit wider the path isn't as narrow as it seems. I'm rediscovering my 'I could go anywhere' approach. This doesn't have to mean geographically but it could mean in the first role I end up with and where that could lead to in the future. We're in an age where it isn't common to stay in one trade for our entire lives - we're much more...flitty (I am not sure this is a word but it feels right, like a butterfly I was thinking) than that and we have so many more opportunities.

So instead of being obsessed with lists, scared of surprises, needing to know what is coming - I am feeling excited because I feel renewed, with a new lease of life and less fear. I hate fear. It has no place in our lives as it comes and takes over and robs us of opportunities. It tells us our dreams aren't big enough, that we aren't good enough, that we should always want for more, that we should have what our friends have because what we have isn't enough. But that's not right!

If we invest in the people that love us, right where we are then we are well on the way to being prepared for whatever life may throw at us. Whether that be good, or bad. Hard, or easy. Happy, or sad. I think that is the key. Community is what we need to do life, to live it rich in love and togetherness. That is what really matters, our dependence on each other whether that be family or friends. Those things are more important than my career for even if I don't end up doing what I studied, it doesn't matter as long as I am happy.

 I no longer place value on 'things' but in 'people.' I've been really blown away this past week with the amazing network of people I have in my life. This has brought about more opportunities than I could ever have thought possible, or that I could have planned for myself. I look forward to the time when I can do the same thing for someone else because I couldn't have gotten anywhere lately without the help and time of others. This is something else that has changed me. I have always been fiercely independent. If someone showed me how to do something like baking, using a computer programme etc, I was off - I could then do it on my own and continue to work it out for myself. But I have begun to wonder whether that's really how I want to live. I don't want to be an authority figure, I want to be a team player who gets in and serves alongside others. I want to choose to live life alongside others, so knowing that I could do a task more easily by myself isn't important, because I would rather learn together, with someone else. I really believe that this is what we have lost and I for one am going to fight for it. I think a level of dependence is healthy and necessary if we are ever to live in true community. We each have different skills that when used together equal something greater than if we were going at it alone.

I feel like this has been a bit rambly so to clarify:

- We need to learn to reflect on our experiences in order to change, grow and adapt to new circumstances.

- Investing in each other is more important than worrying about the future for those who love us will support us whatever happens.

- We shouldn't be afraid.

- Living in and for community is better than living by and for ourselves.

Much Love xxx 

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God is not a Genie.

Well, it's been another week of lessons learnt. I guess you could say I'd put all of my eggs in one basket with the recent job I applied for and after I finally got an interview I thought I was sorted. Unfortunately, I am not. I realise that in the grand scheme of things, this is a common occurrence and I am by no means alone in this struggle but I don't think that makes it any easier. It's such a vicious circle because people don't take you on due to your 'lack of experience' (even though I do have a LOT!) thus not allowing you to gain any paid experience which in turn stops you from progressing from where you are. I think sometimes we just tell ourselves it's all ok and 'the right job will come along' but I just want to acknowledge that in situations such as these, it is OK to be upset/confused/sad. It's a very frustrating situation and if you are in the same boat - I get how you feel!!

It's one of those seasons of life that is laced with complete confusion and it's not easy to know how eager and enthusiastic you are, yet no-one is giving you the chance to express that or do anything useful with it. Then, just when you think there's an open door, you get there, and it's closed. I've just been thinking WHAT THE HECK am I supposed to do next?!

This is where my title comes in. You may have read that in my previous posts, I've been learning to be thankful, to slow down, to appreciate what I have, to be patient and to trust God's plan. I suppose I just expected that after Uni, it would all just fall into place. I didn't have a choice but to come back home again, which has of course had it's challenges and sacrifices. I know what my skills are, what I can do, my strengths and weaknesses, I know that I will work hard and commit fully to whatever I do and so I thought it was obvious that a job would just land on my lap - because why wouldn't it? But then I begin to think that maybe as Christians, we carry some sort of spiritual arrogance. This attitude of 'God will give you the perfect job.' But what about my non-Christian neighbour? Are they not allowed the perfect job? Do they just have to work any old thing and we'll just swoop in because 'God has gone before us?' Don't we have to work, to wait and to be stuck too?

I think it is stupid of us to assume that we too wont have to work hard and endure tough times. After all, it is promised in the Bible that we will share in the sufferings. (I speak to myself here as much as those of you whom are reading this.) Of course, this is one of those annoying circumstances that just feels a bit hopeless but I know and hope that it wont be like this forever. It is up to me to work hard in the meantime, whether that be networking, trawling job sites, filling in even MORE application forms, widening my search, thinking outside of the box, asking around etc. I cannot sit here and wait for God to drop my dream on my lap. I have to put the effort in for it, I'm sure - being the almighty He probably could drop it on my lap however what would I learn from that?

Would I learn to discern, (hey that rhymes) to seek help from others, to depend on Him, to figure out what I am passionate about, to make real-life big decisions, to stop worrying about the future and think about what is happening now, to hold my plans loosely, to grow through struggles? No. He knows exactly what He is doing, of that I am sure. Would we need Faith if we knew what tomorrow held? No.  But I believe that God has a higher purpose. I can imagine that at the end of this stage, I will look back and see, once again how beautiful His orchestration is. I am sure every part of this experience is building me up for something that will come at the right time, in the right place, with the right people. Though at times, being stuck has been the most frustrating and un-natural experience for me and I have hated parts of it - I cannot only expect life, and Christianity to be good.

Sometimes, cack just happens. There's no explanation for it. I know it does, I've experienced it. I've seen it in peoples lives and I've just thought 'how is it possible that this could all happen to one person?' but it just does and I have no answer for it. Gaining perspective by zooming out to see the bigger picture is the only way we can get through it! Of course, my life could be a million times worse - I've shared my burden to campaign against Human Trafficking - it's horrific and I cannot imagine what life is like for those people - it disturbs me so much that people can be treated like this - but in the here and now, this is my personal struggle and I am allowed to be sad that no-one wants to employ me. Rejection isn't a nice experience, especially when all you want to do is get stuck in with something and be given an opportunity. But, it is what it is. We are not exempt from struggles, rather we need to embrace them - because this is reality.

Romans 8:17

The Message (MSG)

^15-17 This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It’s adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike “What’s next, Papa?” God’s Spirit touches our spirits and confirms who we really are. We know who he is, and we know who we are: Father and children. And we know we are going to get what’s coming to us—an unbelievable inheritance! We go through exactly what Christ goes through. If we go through the hard times with him, then we’re certainly going to go through the good times with him!

Much Love xxx

P.s. someone give me a job please.

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