On being content.

Let's just pretend that it hasn't been 9 months since I last sat down to write, OK? Good. The past few months have felt like the craziest rollercoaster and I haven't really had much time between rides to sit and gather my thoughts. It's felt like one minute, I'm in Central Park eating PB&J sandwiches with 9 kids who've never left their city before, then I've blinked and I'm atop the Yorkshire hills with two American friends sipping on an orange and lemonade that cost me £4.50 and now I'm sat in a coffee shop in Oxford resting my weary legs having spent the day navigating through various groups of tourists who seem to have no spatial awareness.

It's hard to believe how much change I've experienced lately, how many friends I've gained and done life with for short bursts, before I've run head first into the next adventure. I think in all of this upheaval, what my heart has really been searching for is contentment. A continual feeling of knowing that right here, right now, is where I'm supposed to be. That this stop on the ride is planned and predestined and the people who surround me are meant to be there, to enjoy this season with me for however long it will last.

A few short weeks ago, I left my beloved home once again and started work in Oxfordshire. It was by no means an easy move. That 3 1/2 hour journey felt like a long and lonely one (perhaps because it took me nearly 5!) surrounded by my vacuum packed belongings, as I headed to a place I had never really planned on going. But I can feel it. The knowing that this is it, the place I've been searching for. Contentment.

Of course, life isn't all of a sudden picture perfect. There have been a couple of twists and turns so far but that is to be expected. There was just something about this move that felt inexplicably right. It wasn't part of my master plan, and I certainly didn't see it coming. My heart has always belonged to the North but I have to say, the adjustment has felt quite smooth. My accent thus far remains un-mocked, (in fact it has been enjoyed!) though it has, on occasion, been misunderstood and many natives of the South have questioned what caused me to leave the magnificent hills of Yorkshire for such a town as Didcot, to which I can only answer "this job." But there's something about being able to hop on a train at the weekend and wander through the streets that inspired the likes of Jane Austen and C.S. Lewis that suits my soul.

You see, contentment is a choice. Whether or not I thought I'd be where I am, I can chose to be happy here without yearning for somewhere else. Somewhere else could be better, but this is where I am choosing to be. We can either be constantly looking at other people's gardens, wishing ours were as lush or as well decorated as theirs, or we can tend to our own and appreciate its' beauty for what it is. It's all too easy today to become distracted by social media, as we all so willingly throw out our carefully selected highlights for the world to see but as soon as we scroll the news feeds of others, we quickly begin to feel like our adventures just aren't quite as exciting as we first thought. We devalue ourselves all too easily. We constantly try to go one better, quietly competing with each other and without realising it, we've become discontent with our gifts, talents or even lives, wishing they could be as good as we perceive others' to be. 

There is a time to nurture your own garden, to work on loving and spending time with yourself.  And in doing so, I must urge you to learn not to compare your life, your everyday comings and goings with anyone else's. We each have our own path to walk down, our own choices to make, experiences to enjoy or sometimes, endure and that is what makes us unique. We must learn to celebrate these differences, instead of feeling inadequate when we feel as though we don't quite measure up to our neighbours. In our constant comparisons, we lose so much of our own freedom to enjoy what has been gifted to us so graciously.We must learn (or sometimes, fight) to feel that we have done enough, we have enough and know that we are good enough. When we truly grasp contentment, we don't look at what our neighbour has been given and feel a lack for ourselves, because we appreciate that we have what we need, and they have what they need. We are able to celebrate the blessings received by others because we appreciate the blessings bestowed unto ourselves. 

"God has promised to supply all our needs. What we don't have now we don't need now." Elisabeth Elliot

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Time for a new dream...

I write this post with quite a heavy yet peaceful heart. It's funny when I look back just over the past few weeks or even days to see how quickly things can change. No two days here have ever been the same and after the team disbanded, time seemed to be going very slowly, unlike what I had experienced whilst we were still united. So much had happened over the past 7 months that I couldn't really process it all until it all ended. There was so much noise going on in my head, worries, cares, 'is everyone ok,' 'could I be doing something for someone,' 'what do I need to do tomorrow.' It was like a constant buzzing, that blocked out all of my thoughts for my own needs. I remember the moment we pulled away from Philadelphia airport thinking, 'this feels strange, I can think about myself again.' 

There's something about living in community, or so I found, that made it quite impossible for me to ever sit and think about myself. I guess I just plodded along with everything, maybe not knowing what I was agreeing to and pushing through the next day. I rarely stopped to think anything through, because there wasn't much time to. When summer camp was going on, I was all consumed by it and certainly didn't have time to stop and smell the roses. That was just not natural for me. I am an extremely reflective person. I hear comments that maybe someone will make in passing, not thinking I am listening and I will sit and stew on them for days. If I think i've caused offense, I will bring that up with the person and deal with it, maybe a week after they said it. I will sit and ponder deep thoughts, about how I could improve, how I could handle that situation better, how the other people might or might not be feeling around me, how my decisions might affect my neighbors and so on and so forth. I do not say things for dramatic effect. Usually, the words I say, particularly if they are big statements have been thought out for days on end before they come out of my mouth. I mean them. 

When I started to think I couldn't do this job without the team I had around me, I really meant it. As much as I mean the words, 'I love tea.' I began to see that the people whom were placed around me balanced me out in more ways than I first realised. If I haven't stressed this before, this is an extremely emotional job. Everytime I get a little closer to one of these kids, my heart breaks a little bit more. Whilst I know what we do is potentially life changing for them, my emotions are just too strong and I am not able to switch off. If I cannot separate my emotions from my job, I cannot function as a normal human being. Of course, you must have a true 'heart' for ministry. You need a great motivation to get out of bed every day and work more hours than most other humans and invest your life in a cause like this. For the past 8 months, that is what I have done but what I have come to realise as I have truly crashed and burned is that however much I love these children, I am not built for this role. I cannot give them my best when I haven't slept properly in days. Neither can I give them my best if I am constantly anxious and losing patience. I can't do it and take care of myself at the same time.

'Wisdom makes decisions today that will still be good tomorrow.' 

Lysa Terkeurst

So, after many days of constant prayer, advice seeking, late nights and over-thinking, I have decided to return to England. Before I set foot on that plane, I said that I was coming here to see whether or not my future was here. I decided that if it wasn't, at least I had given it a go, no regrets. Mission accomplished! I have learnt more about myself, and others in this time than I ever have in my life so far. I have done things that I would never have thought I could do but I have also learnt what my limitations are, and where I should work that will bring out the best in me. My personality type means that I am lead by feelings and emotions and that I can exist happily only when in a team, especially in a work environment. For a while, I felt I had failed my assignment. I should be able to do this, I should be able to love these kids and keep going despite my struggles but I know that is not wise. I think to truly understand, you have to experience it for yourself! 

Of course, that leaves me back in a place where I have to figure it out all over again but I will enter a new season being stronger than before, with a better understanding of who I am, with new, more mature and well rounded perspectives and an appreciation for those around me who love me like I've never had before. Without the support and belief of friends and family, I truly could not have done this at all. Knowing that they will be there to welcome me and support me the same in whatever comes next is what makes me feel good about this decision. They do not look upon this as a failure or a disappointment but they trust my judgement enough to know that I can pick myself up and carry on to the next stage. I also want to thank all the Churches and organizations filled with people who offered me more love, support and generosity than I have ever experienced. Thank you for accepting me and all my exceptionally British ways! The children I have met here have made an eternal mark upon my heart and I will never forget them. My prayer is that whatever I've done here, however small, will have done something in at least one of them that will make a difference to their future. I am abundantly blessed to know that I have friends scattered all across America (and a couple in Germany!) who I am sure will offer me a guest bed should I ever desire it ;) I am eternally grateful for every prayer prayed, every message sent, every Skype call, every cent donated, for this experience leaves me better (and hopefully others!) and more able to make a positive impact somewhere else in the future.

‘The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.’

Proverbs 16:9

America, I love ya. Thanks for letting this Yorkshire lass pursue her dream. Now, it's time to make some new ones!

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'You Learn by Living' Part 3 - Individuality.

Learning how to 'be' yourself is something I am really interested in. It's funny how hard it is to do in such a judgemental society, one that is always telling us that we 'need' this, or that to be beautiful. That this miracle product will magically stop us from looking older, our eyes will look less puffy, our hair will be shinier or we will attract more men/women if we use a certain type of body spray. We are constantly bombarded with ways that we can improve instead of ways to help us be comfortable with who we actually are. If we aren't careful, we so easily conform to act in ways that society deems the norm and we lose ourselves. 

'We are facing a great danger today. The loss of our individuality...it's your life - but only if you make it so.'

So often when we are trying to make a decision, one of our biggest worries is 'what will other people think.' I remember when I was getting ready for a wedding recently (I get invited to a LOT of weddings) and for weeks I freaked out about the dress I had. It had everything that I loved in a dress. It had roses on it, and lace and went in at the waist. It was about knee length and could be worn comfortably with tights and nice shoes. But all I could think was 'will everyone think it's not formal enough for a wedding?' 'Will they think I didn't try hard enough to make an effort?' Even on the DAY BEFORE the wedding I spent the whole day in town searching for another dress that might be a bit more posh. In the end I stuck to my first choice. I got to the wedding and saw someone in jeans and then realised how much time I wasted thinking about such a ridiculous 'problem.' But we think like this more often than we realise. Probably on a daily basis. But we need to stop it! 

'It is a brave thing to have courage to be an individual, it is also, perhaps, a lonely thing. But it is better than not being an individual, which is to be nobody at all.'

A lot of this decision making, whether small or large, comes from a place of confidence within ourselves. I'm sure if you know me, even a little - you will have learnt a few key things about me quite quickly. I love America, tea, baking, flowers/floral prints, babies and cowboys. I am a Christian and I spend most of my spare time in coffee shops talking to people. Due to the fact that I know my tastes, people are always telling me that I'm easy to buy for...which is nice because I always make use of the gifts people give me. This kind of confidence took a while to grow, but these are the things that make me who I am. 

'Of course, this means you must have a certain confidence in your own taste. And here, I think is the key to much conformity - the lack of self-confidence that makes people fearful of following their own bent.'

Once we are confident in being ourselves, we need to let go of other fears. As we become stronger, and more able to make our own decisions - we must stop worrying what other people will think of us. I have personally struggled with this a lot recently. I've been muddling through, trying to make decisions when I have no control over what is going on. I knew there were certain things I wasn't ready for, such as moving away again or stepping into a full time Youth Work career. Of course, where I have ended up at present is not where I would've put myself but I'm enjoying the moment. I have time to work and see my friends/remain involved in working with young people plus other activities that I have found myself being a part of. I have been able to read, bake and create. I have had time to rebuild and be strengthened. All of this, I am so thankful for. It has been hard to try and explain this to others but one thing that has become apparent is this: 'if people believe in you, they will trust your motives.' I need to do what I know needs to be done, and I do not have to answer to people for my chosen actions. 

'Sooner or later, you are bound to discover that you cannot please all of the people around you all of the time. So you had better learn fairly early that you must not expect to have everyone understand what you say and what you do.'

One good way of making sure that you stick to this is by setting boundaries for yourself. Whether that be with work, home, friends, Church, family etc. If I have a day off, I work hard to make sure that I do nothing specific to my job. That time is mine, to spend how I wish with who I wish and I am responsible for ensuring that I make the most of it. If I am with a friend over coffee, I try hard not to respond to texts/phone calls from other people because that is my time to give to that one person. Everytime I go to the cinema, I switch my phone off and get lost in the movie...that's one of my favourite things to do (even though those 2 hours are the time when the whole WORLD wants to get in touch with me!) My phone goes into 'Do not Disturb' mode at 10pm so I generally don't respond until the morning unless it's an emergency. These are my ways of making sure I take a bit of time to look after myself so that I don't burnout, because then I am useless to everyone!

'Success must include 2 things: the development of an individual to his utmost potentiality and a contribution of some kind to one's world.'

I am not adding to the world's message of 'it's all about me, me, me.' The reasons I am writing this are that learning to be confident in who we are and the decisions we make should in turn, allow us to make a good contribution to the world in which we live. We will not be held back by fear and insecurity, rather we will be free to be who we were created to be and will naturally encourage others to do the same. I believe we all have a responsibility to do something useful with our lives, to educate ourselves on what is going on in the world and to offer our skills/gifts/talents to people that will truly benefit from them. To do this, we need each other. I cannot change the world single handedly, I wasn't created to do that. However when I join the work of other people that share similar passions that I do, we can make a collective difference.

'The knowledge of how little you can do alone teaches you humility.'

I have reached this place not through my own strength or my own merit. I have been incredibly blessed to do life with people who speak wisdom, who act as great friends or role models, who inspire me and speak truth to me. I couldn't, and wouldn't WANT to do life alone. Though I am an individual, I am also in community and have something to GIVE as well as to RECEIVE.

'God said, “It’s not good for the Man to be alone; I’ll make him a helper, a companion.” Genesis 2:18

Much Love xxx

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'You Learn by Living' Part 1 - Changing.

I'm not sure how many parts my first 'series' is going to be made up of, but I've decided it simply will not fit in to one post. The website I mentioned in this post led me to purchasing my new book. It's one of those that refreshes and challenges me each time I pick it up - so much so, I have begun taking notes on it and seemed to have folded down every single page as they all contain words that I want to hold on to. So, what is this mysterious book I hear you ask?

Look at it here - You Learn By Living by Eleanor Roosevelt. I knew relatively little about her before I first picked up this book but I've been learning more as I've read the examples she uses about her own life to back up her points.

Evolving

Her mindset is extremely similar to mine, first illustrated on the introduction pages to the book:

'None of us can afford to stop learning or to check our curiosity about new things, or to lose our humility in the face of new things.'

The idea of 'lifelong learning' was one of my favourite pieces of teaching at University. It really transformed the way I saw myself, and the way I lived my life. I've heard so many people say that the person you were at 18 is the person you will always be. I think that is absolute codswallop. If you seek knowledge, change and the broadening of your horizons then you will never stop evolving and growing as person, thus making you different and more mature. 

I truly believe that we can stand to learn something from every encounter we experience. This could be at work, at home, with friends, at school, in relationships or at college. It could be from a big mistake, a small one, or a success. We can always draw learning from our actions if we search hard enough for it. This type of learning requires looking deeply in to ourselves, and helps us to realise things we perhaps never knew. What are my fears, hopes, habits, desires? I will write more about this in part 2!

'There is no experience from which you can't learn something. When you stop learning, you stop living in any vital and meaningful sense. And the purpose of life, afterall is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience.'

A lot of the time, we are afraid of making mistakes. We do everything we can to avoid and ignore them because they are not seen as a necessary part of life. For me, I tend to learn through action. I can't usually read a set of instructions and then set to work - I like to be shown how to do something, or I like to try it out myself. This approach might mean it takes a while, I might make more mistakes and have to try again - but that's how my brain works. Does it really matter how long it takes to get something right if each time we try, we learn something? The process of learning how to do something is as, if not more, important as the end product.

'We cannot shut the windows and pull down the shades, we cannot say, "I have learnt all I need to know, my opinions are fixed on everything. I refuse to change or to consider these new things." Not today. Not anymore.'

I love these words. They feel like soul food. I know so many people who cause me frustration because of this. Sometimes, those who think like this are younger than me - I find that a scary indictment. We cannot afford to think like this anymore! In a world that is changing and evolving so quickly, we cannot remain ourselves unchanging. This stops us from becoming relevant, and relatable to all kinds of people.

We need to hold on to our curiosity for learning, and for life. People are always saying to me that i'm nosey - but I disagree. I ask a lot of questions, I like to get my bearings when in a new environment, with new people or in a new place. I like to work out how I can fit, what makes people tick, what their opinions, passions, dreams are, who does what in the office etc. Mainly because I'm curious. I don't just want to turn up and know nothing about where I am or who I am with, I have this thirst for knowledge. That's what keeps me fresh and excited about life!

'If a child's curiosity is not fed, if his questions are not answered, he will stop asking questions. And then, by the time he is in his middle twenties, he will stop wondering about all the mysteries of his world. His curiosity will be dead.' 

This is one of my motivations for choosing youth work. Young people have so many questions. They are in a stage of trying to make sense of the world in which they have found themselves, and they want to find out what their part is, what can they offer? They need alsorts of people, from all walks of life to listen to their queries, their struggles, in an attempt to form themselves into adults who contribute to their society. We all need this, and well all need to hold onto our curiosity, our adventure for life and our willingness to learn and adapt. 

Much Love xxx

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