Time for a new dream...

I write this post with quite a heavy yet peaceful heart. It's funny when I look back just over the past few weeks or even days to see how quickly things can change. No two days here have ever been the same and after the team disbanded, time seemed to be going very slowly, unlike what I had experienced whilst we were still united. So much had happened over the past 7 months that I couldn't really process it all until it all ended. There was so much noise going on in my head, worries, cares, 'is everyone ok,' 'could I be doing something for someone,' 'what do I need to do tomorrow.' It was like a constant buzzing, that blocked out all of my thoughts for my own needs. I remember the moment we pulled away from Philadelphia airport thinking, 'this feels strange, I can think about myself again.' 

There's something about living in community, or so I found, that made it quite impossible for me to ever sit and think about myself. I guess I just plodded along with everything, maybe not knowing what I was agreeing to and pushing through the next day. I rarely stopped to think anything through, because there wasn't much time to. When summer camp was going on, I was all consumed by it and certainly didn't have time to stop and smell the roses. That was just not natural for me. I am an extremely reflective person. I hear comments that maybe someone will make in passing, not thinking I am listening and I will sit and stew on them for days. If I think i've caused offense, I will bring that up with the person and deal with it, maybe a week after they said it. I will sit and ponder deep thoughts, about how I could improve, how I could handle that situation better, how the other people might or might not be feeling around me, how my decisions might affect my neighbors and so on and so forth. I do not say things for dramatic effect. Usually, the words I say, particularly if they are big statements have been thought out for days on end before they come out of my mouth. I mean them. 

When I started to think I couldn't do this job without the team I had around me, I really meant it. As much as I mean the words, 'I love tea.' I began to see that the people whom were placed around me balanced me out in more ways than I first realised. If I haven't stressed this before, this is an extremely emotional job. Everytime I get a little closer to one of these kids, my heart breaks a little bit more. Whilst I know what we do is potentially life changing for them, my emotions are just too strong and I am not able to switch off. If I cannot separate my emotions from my job, I cannot function as a normal human being. Of course, you must have a true 'heart' for ministry. You need a great motivation to get out of bed every day and work more hours than most other humans and invest your life in a cause like this. For the past 8 months, that is what I have done but what I have come to realise as I have truly crashed and burned is that however much I love these children, I am not built for this role. I cannot give them my best when I haven't slept properly in days. Neither can I give them my best if I am constantly anxious and losing patience. I can't do it and take care of myself at the same time.

'Wisdom makes decisions today that will still be good tomorrow.' 

Lysa Terkeurst

So, after many days of constant prayer, advice seeking, late nights and over-thinking, I have decided to return to England. Before I set foot on that plane, I said that I was coming here to see whether or not my future was here. I decided that if it wasn't, at least I had given it a go, no regrets. Mission accomplished! I have learnt more about myself, and others in this time than I ever have in my life so far. I have done things that I would never have thought I could do but I have also learnt what my limitations are, and where I should work that will bring out the best in me. My personality type means that I am lead by feelings and emotions and that I can exist happily only when in a team, especially in a work environment. For a while, I felt I had failed my assignment. I should be able to do this, I should be able to love these kids and keep going despite my struggles but I know that is not wise. I think to truly understand, you have to experience it for yourself! 

Of course, that leaves me back in a place where I have to figure it out all over again but I will enter a new season being stronger than before, with a better understanding of who I am, with new, more mature and well rounded perspectives and an appreciation for those around me who love me like I've never had before. Without the support and belief of friends and family, I truly could not have done this at all. Knowing that they will be there to welcome me and support me the same in whatever comes next is what makes me feel good about this decision. They do not look upon this as a failure or a disappointment but they trust my judgement enough to know that I can pick myself up and carry on to the next stage. I also want to thank all the Churches and organizations filled with people who offered me more love, support and generosity than I have ever experienced. Thank you for accepting me and all my exceptionally British ways! The children I have met here have made an eternal mark upon my heart and I will never forget them. My prayer is that whatever I've done here, however small, will have done something in at least one of them that will make a difference to their future. I am abundantly blessed to know that I have friends scattered all across America (and a couple in Germany!) who I am sure will offer me a guest bed should I ever desire it ;) I am eternally grateful for every prayer prayed, every message sent, every Skype call, every cent donated, for this experience leaves me better (and hopefully others!) and more able to make a positive impact somewhere else in the future.

‘The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.’

Proverbs 16:9

America, I love ya. Thanks for letting this Yorkshire lass pursue her dream. Now, it's time to make some new ones!

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'You Learn by Living' Part 2 - Fear.

Welcome to the second part of my series based on this lovely book. The topic of this blog is fear. A topic that, if you have read anything else on here (bar the recipes!) you will know appears often in my writing. When I saw that this book had a whole chapter devoted to this subject, I read it pretty eagerly. The more I read, the more I realise how much this inspirational woman achieved, and she did it with a wonderful humility.

Linking back to the first part of this series, the focus there was based on the concept of 'lifelong learning' i.e. we stand to learn something from every experience we have in life whether good, bad or ugly. (Had to get my second cowboy reference in there as yesterday I finally got to see 'Django Unchained,' and can't stop thinking about it.) This serves as a continuation from that.

'You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face.'

So much of our lives is spent running away from things that truly scare us. Of course, it is easier to stay within that zone of comfort because it is scarier to step out of it. We can easily avoid dealing with things that we are afraid of; if we are scared of the dark, sleep with the light on. If we are scared of heights, avoid bridges and mountains. If we are afraid of roller-coasters, don't go to a theme park. Avoiding the problem doesn't make it go away, it just puts it to sleep for a little while until it crops up again. But why do we let ourselves live like this? We only truly find our courage when we face one fear, and realise that it wasn't as hard as we first thought - then we have strength to fight something the next time that is potentially more difficult.

'I haven't ever believed that anything supported by fear can stand against freedom from fear. Surely we cannot be so stupid as to let ourselves become shackled by senseless fears.' 

These fears might not only be in the league of 'spiders' and other such things. There are other fears. The ones that make us worry about what other people think of us. The way we look, dress, talk, where we work, the decisions that we make. I know recently I faced up to a decision I knew I had to make, but I was scared to on the basis of what others would think of it. I left a group of which I had been a part for many years. It wasn't easy to do, but I knew I had to - even if for a short time. This group happened to be a Church. I was worried about leaving because I knew people would question it, but the truth is - I just wasn't going for the right reasons anymore. I was going because that's what I did, I was expected to. But that's not why you go to Church. I miss them. But I sit here knowing it was the right decision because it has set me free. I was anxious about facing up to it, making excuses but in the end I had to bite the bullet, whether it confused people or not. 

'Since everybody is an individual, nobody can be you. You are unique. No-one can tell you how to use your time. It is yours. Your life is your own. You mould it. You make it. All anyone can do is to point out ways and means which have been helpful to others.'

If anything, my Faith has grown because it has given me space to realise that a lot of my 'wants' and 'dreams' were not based on what I truly wanted for my life, and what I thought was right for my life - moreover they had been based on what I had seen others do in their life and thought that was the obvious path for me. I know realise that isn't the truth. I need people around me who will encourage my strange and unconventional dreams and will support me at any cost to get there rather than shrink them to give me happiness now, rather than to wait a while longer. I'm getting quite good at waiting. 

'Do the things that interest you and do them with all your heart. Don't be concerned about whether people are watching you or criticising you. It's your attention to yourself that is so stultifying. But you have to disregard yourself as completely as possible. If you fail the first time, you just have to try harder the second time.'

We naturally think too hard, I am extremely guilty of that. I have a tendency to over-analyse but can often use that to work in my favour. At times, I just have to stop myself, and do what I need to do. When I withdrew from Facebook - it seemed like a crazy decision. I threw so much of my life on there, (as does everyone) I was 'friends' with people I barely saw and what would be a supposed ten minute flick through often turned to hours of getting sucked in to reading updates about other peoples lives. I can tell you now, I have not missed it one bit. I think we're all better off without it, and better with real, authentic friendships. People throw all-sorts of information on there based on insecurities and 'oh look at me.' I think we would be better off being truly honest with the people that are in front of us to help us face our fears; loneliness, abandonment, rejection, loss. Real fears that are there everyday, that control us and consume us. We are afraid to burden each other even though that is why we have friends in the first place - to share in the joys AND the sorrows. Those friends who truly love us, will endure through difficulties alongside us, because why wouldn't they?

'I learned to stare down each of my fears, conquer it, attain the hard earned courage to go on to the next. Only then was I really free.'

When we begin to look at our lives, at our fears and insecurities, as we open up to those whom we love and can trust - we find the strength to face up to them. It's a part of life that isn't nice and flowery, more likely painful - but it has to be worth it if it sets us free. I hope this has encouraged you!

Much Love xxx

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