On being content.

Let's just pretend that it hasn't been 9 months since I last sat down to write, OK? Good. The past few months have felt like the craziest rollercoaster and I haven't really had much time between rides to sit and gather my thoughts. It's felt like one minute, I'm in Central Park eating PB&J sandwiches with 9 kids who've never left their city before, then I've blinked and I'm atop the Yorkshire hills with two American friends sipping on an orange and lemonade that cost me £4.50 and now I'm sat in a coffee shop in Oxford resting my weary legs having spent the day navigating through various groups of tourists who seem to have no spatial awareness.

It's hard to believe how much change I've experienced lately, how many friends I've gained and done life with for short bursts, before I've run head first into the next adventure. I think in all of this upheaval, what my heart has really been searching for is contentment. A continual feeling of knowing that right here, right now, is where I'm supposed to be. That this stop on the ride is planned and predestined and the people who surround me are meant to be there, to enjoy this season with me for however long it will last.

A few short weeks ago, I left my beloved home once again and started work in Oxfordshire. It was by no means an easy move. That 3 1/2 hour journey felt like a long and lonely one (perhaps because it took me nearly 5!) surrounded by my vacuum packed belongings, as I headed to a place I had never really planned on going. But I can feel it. The knowing that this is it, the place I've been searching for. Contentment.

Of course, life isn't all of a sudden picture perfect. There have been a couple of twists and turns so far but that is to be expected. There was just something about this move that felt inexplicably right. It wasn't part of my master plan, and I certainly didn't see it coming. My heart has always belonged to the North but I have to say, the adjustment has felt quite smooth. My accent thus far remains un-mocked, (in fact it has been enjoyed!) though it has, on occasion, been misunderstood and many natives of the South have questioned what caused me to leave the magnificent hills of Yorkshire for such a town as Didcot, to which I can only answer "this job." But there's something about being able to hop on a train at the weekend and wander through the streets that inspired the likes of Jane Austen and C.S. Lewis that suits my soul.

You see, contentment is a choice. Whether or not I thought I'd be where I am, I can chose to be happy here without yearning for somewhere else. Somewhere else could be better, but this is where I am choosing to be. We can either be constantly looking at other people's gardens, wishing ours were as lush or as well decorated as theirs, or we can tend to our own and appreciate its' beauty for what it is. It's all too easy today to become distracted by social media, as we all so willingly throw out our carefully selected highlights for the world to see but as soon as we scroll the news feeds of others, we quickly begin to feel like our adventures just aren't quite as exciting as we first thought. We devalue ourselves all too easily. We constantly try to go one better, quietly competing with each other and without realising it, we've become discontent with our gifts, talents or even lives, wishing they could be as good as we perceive others' to be. 

There is a time to nurture your own garden, to work on loving and spending time with yourself.  And in doing so, I must urge you to learn not to compare your life, your everyday comings and goings with anyone else's. We each have our own path to walk down, our own choices to make, experiences to enjoy or sometimes, endure and that is what makes us unique. We must learn to celebrate these differences, instead of feeling inadequate when we feel as though we don't quite measure up to our neighbours. In our constant comparisons, we lose so much of our own freedom to enjoy what has been gifted to us so graciously.We must learn (or sometimes, fight) to feel that we have done enough, we have enough and know that we are good enough. When we truly grasp contentment, we don't look at what our neighbour has been given and feel a lack for ourselves, because we appreciate that we have what we need, and they have what they need. We are able to celebrate the blessings received by others because we appreciate the blessings bestowed unto ourselves. 

"God has promised to supply all our needs. What we don't have now we don't need now." Elisabeth Elliot

Read More

My American Dream.

I can't BELIEVE I finally get to write this post. It has been such a long time coming! This past year since graduating has not been without it's challenges for me. I spent the first six months after moving home searching for a job and getting nowhere fast. At my lowest, I sat and burst into tears with the lady in the benefits office who was trying to help me find work. I finally got some temp jobs, both went disastrously wrong, not because I couldn't do the job but for other reasons. I finally found a permanent role back in January which was not without it's learning curves but whilst I was on holiday last week, the company I worked for went into administration the day before everyone's pay day and 500 people lost their jobs.

My real turning point came a few months ago, after I thought I had found 'THE JOB.' I was so sure it was for me and I spent every day for about two months praying and thinking about it. When the closing date came around, I wasn't offered an interview. The shock of that sent me well and truly back to the drawing board. Sitting at square one, I thought about things like; in my dream world, what would I do? Where would I go? What do I KNOW I want to do? One thing quickly sprang to mind:

America. The place that I had ALWAYS wanted to explore, to figure out if it was the place for me. I want to set a disclaimer here; I am under no impression that America is some kind of dream world where everything is perfect and doesn't have issues similar to the ones we have here. I cannot explain where this dream came from or why it is there, but it is! I love the place. I decided it was time to try and find a door of opportunity that would give me a chance to experience everyday life in America and decide if it is something I want to pursue long-term. Today, I can officially say I was offered that chance. I have been offered a place as a voluntary intern with an organisation called 'YFC' or Youth For Christ in Delaware. I will go out there for 6 months starting next January to do an urban youth work placement working with at-risk youths. I am still trying to process all of this and have SO much to do to prepare for it, but this is a way for me to invest in my future, to gain experience, to live in another culture, to meet new people and to go for my dream! I will be doing some fundraising to get the costs of my trip together which I am really excited about!

So many things have led me to this place, it would take me forever to explain but I can honestly say that however difficult the past few months have been for me - I wouldn't change a thing. I have dealt with a whole host of experiences that have grown and strengthened me in so many ways. I think it's fair to say that I have been fairly unlucky but that is life! I am not here to complain. 

I will say that some of the things that have kept me going are these words in particular:

 For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened. Matt 7:8

I wrote these words, along with some others and stuck them on the mirror attached to my bedroom door. I saw them every time I went in the room, fixed my hair, took off my make up. In those words I found hope that eventually, I would knock on the right door and it would be opened. In the times of deep confusion - I hated seeing them because I didn't want to believe them, but today, the opportunity I had asked for, sought out and knocked the door of - opened! If you are in a similar position, if you have a dream, or a place that you have always wanted to live or work in - I would encourage you to GO FOR IT! The reason I became so determined to find an opportunity was that I didn't want to wait ten years and wish I had done it, I don't want to regret! However hard and hopeless life can feel, there is always something to learn from every experience, good or bad. It is always good to have hopes and dreams, and to work hard for those! 

I wrote this blog over a year ago, isn't it amazing how things work out! Who knows, maybe whilst I am in Delaware I will get to go visit that statue. Don't give up on your dreams y'all! We only have one life, don't lose yourself in your fear.

If you would like to support me financially, you can do so via this link, all donations would be gratefully received!!

Much Love xxx

Read More

In which we run fully clothed into a fountain.

These words have been stalking me recently. Well, for the past year actually. For months, I have read them day in, day out wondering if I will ever put them back into practice. When I was at University, I did this a lot. My sense of adventure and excitement for spontaneity were alive and well. It didn't matter that we travelled for 8 hours down to the opposite end of the country to watch a one hour concert on the beach. Nor did it really matter that we arrived home from London at 2am to find the entire contents of our bedrooms switched around with someone else. We celebrated engagements, birthdays, jubilees, Christmas and 2-4-1 cocktails on a Thursday evening. We had weekends away, trips to the beach, journeys to the supermarket after midnight (rebellion at it's best.) We spent every night in the garden drinking cider and having BBQ's with our neighbours. We spent an entire day filling a paddling pool with water and all sat in it, just the once. We didn't really have a reason to fear the future, we were having too much fun! We were too busy enjoying the moment, making the most of where we were, because we knew that it wouldn't last forever. Those three years were for staying up until 4am most nights talking about goodness knows what, to adventure, to learn and experience, to find ourselves before the real world hit. No responsibilities, enjoying our independence. Those amazing years came and went so quickly that it already feels like a distant memory. 

I wasn't prepared for the job market to be as it has been. I have made so many plans based on 'if I get this job, I can...' or 'I'll be able to...' only to be turned down because I don't have enough experience. So, back to the drawing board. I've had a year of 'what will you do next?' 'Where will you go?' 'Why don't you move?' 'Do you really want that job?' 'Have you tried this, or that?' Truth be told, these questions have not made my life any easier! I have explored so many avenues to get where I want to be yet sometimes it feels like I am no closer. I have no answers, because I have no clue what's going on here! 

'She laughs without fear of the future...'

^

You may have gathered by now, that I have not done a lot of that lately. I recently attended a conference that focussed a lot on this. The masks that some of us hide behind; inadequacy, victim, perfection. Our constant battle to be 'worry free' when actually, a certain level of worry is both necessary and healthy - when we gain control of it. I learnt a lot that day. I realised how afraid I feel of making the wrong decision because I feel so lost. What if I regret this? What if I don't do this and wish I had? But a better question I needed to ask myself was this; when was the last time that I didn't feel afraid? 

It all hit me, one sunny day with a friend. You see, the weather has been driving England crazy lately. I know that we are infamous for moaning CONSTANTLY about the weather, but the problem is that it's so unpredictable that we are unprepared for everything. Snow, sun, rain, fog. We don't get enough of one weather type to make proper precautions so instead we just moan. It's never just right. We have had about a month of sunshine. Today, for the first time in as long as I can remember, I took a coat out with me, not only that, but an umbrella. Our homes and many of our shops, restaurants and cafés are not air conditioned, so we have all had to buy fans to prevent us from melting. Nobody is sleeping. But now the rain has started again, everybody is moaning because THE SUN HAS GONE. 

I digress. One fine day a couple of weeks ago, I was sat with a friend eating an ice-cream whilst we dipped our toes in a pool of water in the centre of Bradford. It was so hot that dipping our toes simply wasn't cutting the mustard. There were kids running through the fountains, splashing around in swimming costumes. So were there parents. I couldn't watch it, it was just torture - everything within me wanted to just run in there, regardless of the fact that I was fully clothed. So, we discussed this pickle in which we found ourselves and decided to drop off our belongings and my friends house and go back to the water to walk around in it. My friend was able to change into more sensible clothes, whereas I did not come prepared for this. We left our shoes with a random family and walked into the water:

photo credit

But that wasn't enough. There was a huge fountain spraying out in the middle that people were running through. We saw a guy run through it and I thought he didn't actually look that wet. So, we had to do it too. We ran. We got drenched. We LAUGHED. We laid down in the water, enjoying the sun for a while, in between a splash fight with a small child and another run through the giant fountain. I didn't care that I had mascara all down my face. I didn't care that my hair was dripping wet. I didn't care that we were walking through a busy city centre soaking wet. I didn't even care that I didn't have a change of clothes and I had to go home on the train.

I didn't CARE about the consequences, because I wanted to enjoy the moment. Not just dip my toes in whilst watching everyone else have fun, but to run into the fountain, fully clothed with my eyes closed. It was so liberating! Though to you, this may seem like nothing - for me it was a wake up call. I have been so caught up, worrying about which road to go down when really, I don't need to. I have allowed my worry to rob me of my JOY. This is not how it should be! 

'For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.' 2 Tim 1:7

Whatever road I go down, I will be challenged, blessed and tested. I cannot spend my days waiting for tomorrow to find joy in today. I must FULLY live now - it is a choice! I have to take steps into the un-known, not knowing what might be ahead of me and live it, do it and experience it. None of us know what tomorrow holds, but we CAN choose whether we will allow worry to rob us of our joy or if we will allow joy to eliminate our worry.

Much Love xxx

Read More

Emotions and Smoothies.

It's funny how just last night I was thinking it had been a while since I had been inspired to write. Then something happened this morning that really forced me to sit and think, whilst calming myself down. I won't go into any detail about what happened to trigger me, but I felt so angry. It's been a while since I felt like that, I've actually been pretty chilled out for the past few weeks but sometimes it just takes one thing to change it all.

As I was walking home this morning, I got to thinking about how often I, as many of us do - act out of emotion. I know that when I feel angry, I am tempted to make rash decisions. I say that I will walk away, i've had enough, or as they say ALL the time in 'Real Housewives of Orange County' (feel free to judge me) 'I't's over, and I'm done.' I get ready to pack it all in, in that moment of anger - rather than take a step back and ride the wave. You see, there's nothing wrong with feeling these types of emotion. They are human and part of everyday life but the problem comes in what we do with them. How well do we know ourselves when it comes to calming down?

I can think of many a time where I have been tempted to act based on what i'm feeling in the moment. When I was in the last few months of my degree, I came incredibly close to walking away. I was so overwhelmed by everything; by the work load, the deadlines, the stress in my home, the effect it was having on my health - that it just all became too much. Somehow, I found the energy to finish it and I'm so pleased I did. I've had work experiences, friendships and other scenarios where i've just wanted to walk away from it rather than deal with it. Walking away in the here and now may be helpful short-term but what about in the long run? We often don't stop to consider that. I do think that this generation has a lot of trouble with commitment - I don't mean that to be an excuse but if you look at the way things are; there isn't always a lot to encourage faithfulness and loyalty in today's society. It's easier to walk away based on how I feel today than to take the time to figure things out and act more rationally, isn't it?

What I am referencing here, is acting out of negative emotion. Now, the Bible talks a lot about this, and how our lives as Christians, should go against the tide. If I am acting out of anger, annoyance, selfishness, jealousy; am I portraying anything 'different?' No. Yet I so often find myself knocking others down rather than building them up, in the heat of the moment I find only bad things that have happened and in reality that is not helping anyone's situation. I am sharing these things because I want to change. I don't want to be bitter or angry and even when I am - I don't want to tell the whole world. I want to have more self control than that! I want to build people up, bring peace, restoration, happiness, graciousness, faithfulness, joy, strength, light, change, positivity and love. I want to stand for something different that revitalises my environment and I know that at the moment, I am not doing that. I'm not saying this for sympathy or as a way for those who know me to big me up - I know that I am messing up and I no longer want to accept that! I want to be humble and honest, to show that I fail so often and fall short of the person I feel I should be.

Philippians 4:8
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever isright, whatever is pure, whatever islovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

I don't want to dwell for the rest of this post on my failings, so I thought now would be a good time to reference the smoothies. When I returned home this morning, I knew I needed to do something to chill out. Something that was helpful and a good use of my energy. So, smoothie making commenced. I would share a recipe but truthfully, I completely made it up. Smoothies are SO easy that you can afford to do that! I made about 5 times more than I had planned and had to make it in 2 batches but at least it will keep us going! I was however, a little nervous as this was the first time I've used a blender since my soup related disaster - but luckily, this experience went without a hitch. 

The phrase 'a little vanilla goes a long way' truly came into play with this as my belovéd Nielsen-Massey vanilla extract saved the day. I threw in frozen berries; strawberries, blackcurrants and raspberries, milk, ice, vanilla, a little sweetener and some mango & papaya juice as it tasted a little bitter with the unsweetened berries. Plus there's just something about drinking through paper straws that makes the world seem a better place.

If you need to relax, de-stress, take some time out - think about something you love doing and make time to do it rather than stewing on the problem. It's much better to do something constructive to get out of the bad mood you're in! Now, I feel much calmer and ready to face the rest of today, whilst getting in some of my '5 a day!'

Much Love xxx

Read More

A Walk with My Camera.

We British are so fickle when it comes to the weather. Of course, we are famous for moaning about it, and not so good at appreciating it when it does work in our favour. Well today, I am changing the trend and enjoying every minute of it. When the sun is out, so am I. So this morning I took a nice walk to the post office and went up to the hills with my buttock toning fit flops on my feet.

Everything looks so different in the sunshine so it doesn't require a lot of skill to take a decent picture, I snap away on my Nikon D40 when I get the urge, so here are the results:

I adore blossom trees, these are right at the end of my street.

Barbed wire screams countryside.

My favourite view in the world, just around the corner from me.

My favourite shot of the day!

The daffodils at our front door.

Now it's time for Pimm's in the garden!

I for one am thankful for the sunshine! For me it means picnics, Pimms and flip flops everyday. I hope you make the most of it...

Much Love xxx

Read More

People versus Things.

I've had this post rattling around in my head for the past few days but got distracted by 'Nashville,' my favourite EVER television program, which I have to keep reminding myself is infact, fiction. So here it is, better late than never!

I have mentioned topics similar to this before, but never this exactly. I want to talk about where we place our true value. Is it in people, or is it in things? 

We all like to accumulate things. I, for one cannot stop buying things that one day will fill a home of my own. I'm forever buying tea-sets, vintage glass, anything from Cath Kidston (hence the picture) and strangely enough, bed linen. But what would happen if one day, I was asked to give it all up? What if all these nice things that would make for a beautiful tea party were one day taken away from me? Would life still be liveable? For me, OF COURSE. 

My treasure doesn't live in the things that I own. I don't place more value on my laptop than my friends. Though it may do a lot of good things for me such as; allow me to send emails, listen to music, watch films, edit photos, make presentations - it doesn't do other things like; listen to me when i'm upset, offer me support and guidance, love me, make me laugh, support me, console me. All the 'real' things that I couldn't do without. 

I have learnt this lesson first hand lately. At the moment, seeing as though I only work part time, I am not exactly raking it in. I have to budget, say no to things I don't really need and think about where I want to invest the little that I do have. But working little hours has given me something truly beautiful. Time. Time to be with friends, to bake with them, to eat with them, to talk & listen to them, to drink tea with them, to relax with them. Time to be with my family. Time to read, to travel, to discover new places, to catch up with old friends and to make new ones. We all know that we don't get time back. We never know when it is going to run out, and we must, MUST, MUST learn to make the most of it. 

We cannot spend our lives chasing after 'things' that in the end, mean nothing. We so easily convince ourselves that we need to be a part of the latest trends, that we need this or that to be truly included in a group etc etc. But do we? It's so hard in a world that tells us the complete opposite, that we are defined by our wealth, the beauty of our homes, what we drive, how we dress and  who we are seen with. But when we take a step back, does any of that truly matter? Or instead should we be defined by something else?  

Perhaps we should be defined by how well love each other. How accepting we are of others, despite our differences, financial status, location, occupation and live together in community. By how quickly forget the past, the arguments and disagreements that nobody can even remember why they started and move forwards. Our willingness to be inconvenienced to help somebody in need, or indeed somebody who wants a sympathetic ear. Our desire to give up our time to volunteer for a local Charity. Our joy to sacrifice a coffee to buy a homeless person some lunch. Or maybe our ability to recognise that people are more important than things?

‘For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.’

Matthew 6:21 

Read More

What's in a Friend?

I've been thinking about friendship a lot lately. As a lot of my friendships have changed of late, it has caused me to sit back and think about which are true friends, ones which will no doubt be life long, and those which are fleeting or seasonal. Both are important, as both teach us great life lessons - good and bad. I suppose that i've been forced to reflect on this subject for sad reasons. As mentioned in this post, I decided recently to make a few changes. I left a community that I was a part of for around 8 years of my life and have found the aftermath of that quite hurtful in all honesty. I don't wish to go too much into that as in time, I will learn to forgive those who have hurt me, many of whom were very close to me, and move on. This isn't the place to detail it all. However, one thing that decision has taught me is what a true friend should be.

Friendships have the power to shape who we are, for we are influenced by those whom we love and respect. Through good frienships we can be changed, improved, hurt, blessed and strengthened to name a few. I think this is a beautiful thing, this notion of living life together with others:

'[Great Satisfaction] to me is in being with people I am fond of and feeling that in some small way I can help make life happier or more interesting for them or help them to achieve their objective. To me that is much more important than anything else in my life.'

Eleanor Roosevelt, You Learn By Living.

When I say 'true friends,' I'm not simply talking about someone who 'does' big things for you all the time, maybe lending you money, letting you sleep on their couch, going on holiday with you etc, though that might be nice. I find that smaller acts of friendship mean more to me, though they may be insignificant to others. For me, the kind of friends I want to spend my life with are those who will text me to see how my day has been. Just because they care. Or those who had a quiet night planned but can see I really need to talk to someone - so they take me to the pub. Even those who I can sit by the fire with a cup of tea and a piece of cake, catching up on what's happened in our weeks. People I can bare my soul to in one breath and laugh out loud with the next. For me, true friendships involve sacrifice on both sides - when one needs to talk, the other one is there to listen and vice versa. There are the ones where you don't see each other for weeks, and then pick up exactly where you left off. The ones where you never run out of anything to say. The ones where it's ok to sit in silence together. The ones that last.

You see, I've started an 'introduction to counselling' course, and just went to my second meeting this evening. It's surprised me how much i've learnt in 4 short hours, but some fascinating insights have come out of it so far. It's taught me to look at some friendships in a different way (sometimes these things are dangerous for me because i'm naturally so analytical - nobody is safe haha!) - and it's helped them make sense to me. I'm used to being a listener and advice giver - and though I love that role, and feel blessed by people who feel comfortable enough to open up to me, this course has taught me that with some friendships it is unlikely that the tables will be turned due to the nature of our relationship. For example, you may have a friend who you always listen to. When you try and open up to them, their reaction may not be so positive and they may not cope with it. In this case - you may need to seek advice from someone else!

Another thing we discussed was the change in the need for community in todays society compared to in the past. Of course, this affects our friendships too.

'Today we are encouraged to be more self-sufficient and independent and may live and work away from close friends and relatives. It can be more difficult asking for help - [we may think] it is a sign of 'weakness' or 'neediness.' When we lived in smaller communities, families, friends and neighbours helped each other on a daily basis and were uninhibited in asking each other for help.' 

(taken from my course notes)

We are afraid to say we need each other, to ask each other for help, advice, guidance, a shoulder to cry on when indeed we should feel able to do this every single day. We weren't created to do life alone, we were created to live it together, learning from each other. I admit, that some of my friendships have ended because I had tried to ask for help, making sure I was as honest as possible - and was not helped and cared for in the way I needed to be. I do not want to sit here and feel bitter, or let down by them -  I want to be thankful for the good seasons we shared and move on to work on the amazing friendships I have since been so blessed with. For our own good, sometimes it is the right thing to do, to let go of some friendships and accept them for what they are. But other times, we can enjoy the ones we have that will make sure we feel loved no matter what!

Much Love xxx

Read More

This Weeks Roundup.

If you know me, you will be aware of my strange obsession with cowboys. I don't really know what started it all, I guess it must have been my first trip to Arizona about 7 years ago. The sites I saw in that state felt like another world to me. The obsession grew after my second trip, where we went back to Tucson but also explored Utah - which you can read about here. Anyway, a friend 'tweeted' me this week to tell me about an exhibition in a museum in a city close to us that had my name all over it. The exhibition is called 'Wild West Outlaws' but there didn't seem to be that much going on inside the museum, it was more what was going on outside! Today, they had a live gunfight - which nearly gave everyone a heart attack as they started it off by shooting a rather large shotgun without warning. Everyone was in costume, and there was a Chuckwagon where they were cooking stew on a dutch oven. Here are some pictures:

The Gunfight.

Right before the majority of the cowboys were 'shot.'

The Stew Cookin' Coffee Brewin' Cowboys.

Me, with my Cowboy Coffee.

Inside the Museum.

I love this photo!

I cannot get enough of these things.

We were a bit early to watch the films they were showing so we had a bit of lunch and then walked into Leeds. I went in Cath Kidston and managed NOT to buy a single thing. I hate being sensible.

Other things I did this week were:

I Baked Cupcakes - Vanilla with hidden raspberry jam.

Make my first ever batch of fudge (needs perfecting.)

Saw Die Hard 5 - AMAZING.

I also read a VERY interesting article that I wanted to share with you all. Follow this link to read it. Though the content may not make a lot of sense to my American readers - the message is still important. To fill you in - this week, one of the big scandals in this country being exposed by the media is that companies have been selling some frozen foods disguised as beef when they actually contain horse meat. Though I do agree that it is outrageous, there are more pressing hidden secrets in the food supply chain. I'm so glad someone has taken the time to right this article, because it is not only the content of the food that should be honest, but also the way in which it is produced - are people being paid a fair wage? Are they being forced to work? Are they being treated correctly? Were they brought to this country under false pretence? Human Trafficking IS modern day slavery, and it exists in many different forms. Here is a clip from the article:

'More people will probably have to die before slavery becomes as urgent an issue to politicians as the horse meat affair. A pity, because it is by far the greater scandal.'

What can we do to put an end to it?

Much Love xxx

Read More

'You Learn by Living' Part 3 - Individuality.

Learning how to 'be' yourself is something I am really interested in. It's funny how hard it is to do in such a judgemental society, one that is always telling us that we 'need' this, or that to be beautiful. That this miracle product will magically stop us from looking older, our eyes will look less puffy, our hair will be shinier or we will attract more men/women if we use a certain type of body spray. We are constantly bombarded with ways that we can improve instead of ways to help us be comfortable with who we actually are. If we aren't careful, we so easily conform to act in ways that society deems the norm and we lose ourselves. 

'We are facing a great danger today. The loss of our individuality...it's your life - but only if you make it so.'

So often when we are trying to make a decision, one of our biggest worries is 'what will other people think.' I remember when I was getting ready for a wedding recently (I get invited to a LOT of weddings) and for weeks I freaked out about the dress I had. It had everything that I loved in a dress. It had roses on it, and lace and went in at the waist. It was about knee length and could be worn comfortably with tights and nice shoes. But all I could think was 'will everyone think it's not formal enough for a wedding?' 'Will they think I didn't try hard enough to make an effort?' Even on the DAY BEFORE the wedding I spent the whole day in town searching for another dress that might be a bit more posh. In the end I stuck to my first choice. I got to the wedding and saw someone in jeans and then realised how much time I wasted thinking about such a ridiculous 'problem.' But we think like this more often than we realise. Probably on a daily basis. But we need to stop it! 

'It is a brave thing to have courage to be an individual, it is also, perhaps, a lonely thing. But it is better than not being an individual, which is to be nobody at all.'

A lot of this decision making, whether small or large, comes from a place of confidence within ourselves. I'm sure if you know me, even a little - you will have learnt a few key things about me quite quickly. I love America, tea, baking, flowers/floral prints, babies and cowboys. I am a Christian and I spend most of my spare time in coffee shops talking to people. Due to the fact that I know my tastes, people are always telling me that I'm easy to buy for...which is nice because I always make use of the gifts people give me. This kind of confidence took a while to grow, but these are the things that make me who I am. 

'Of course, this means you must have a certain confidence in your own taste. And here, I think is the key to much conformity - the lack of self-confidence that makes people fearful of following their own bent.'

Once we are confident in being ourselves, we need to let go of other fears. As we become stronger, and more able to make our own decisions - we must stop worrying what other people will think of us. I have personally struggled with this a lot recently. I've been muddling through, trying to make decisions when I have no control over what is going on. I knew there were certain things I wasn't ready for, such as moving away again or stepping into a full time Youth Work career. Of course, where I have ended up at present is not where I would've put myself but I'm enjoying the moment. I have time to work and see my friends/remain involved in working with young people plus other activities that I have found myself being a part of. I have been able to read, bake and create. I have had time to rebuild and be strengthened. All of this, I am so thankful for. It has been hard to try and explain this to others but one thing that has become apparent is this: 'if people believe in you, they will trust your motives.' I need to do what I know needs to be done, and I do not have to answer to people for my chosen actions. 

'Sooner or later, you are bound to discover that you cannot please all of the people around you all of the time. So you had better learn fairly early that you must not expect to have everyone understand what you say and what you do.'

One good way of making sure that you stick to this is by setting boundaries for yourself. Whether that be with work, home, friends, Church, family etc. If I have a day off, I work hard to make sure that I do nothing specific to my job. That time is mine, to spend how I wish with who I wish and I am responsible for ensuring that I make the most of it. If I am with a friend over coffee, I try hard not to respond to texts/phone calls from other people because that is my time to give to that one person. Everytime I go to the cinema, I switch my phone off and get lost in the movie...that's one of my favourite things to do (even though those 2 hours are the time when the whole WORLD wants to get in touch with me!) My phone goes into 'Do not Disturb' mode at 10pm so I generally don't respond until the morning unless it's an emergency. These are my ways of making sure I take a bit of time to look after myself so that I don't burnout, because then I am useless to everyone!

'Success must include 2 things: the development of an individual to his utmost potentiality and a contribution of some kind to one's world.'

I am not adding to the world's message of 'it's all about me, me, me.' The reasons I am writing this are that learning to be confident in who we are and the decisions we make should in turn, allow us to make a good contribution to the world in which we live. We will not be held back by fear and insecurity, rather we will be free to be who we were created to be and will naturally encourage others to do the same. I believe we all have a responsibility to do something useful with our lives, to educate ourselves on what is going on in the world and to offer our skills/gifts/talents to people that will truly benefit from them. To do this, we need each other. I cannot change the world single handedly, I wasn't created to do that. However when I join the work of other people that share similar passions that I do, we can make a collective difference.

'The knowledge of how little you can do alone teaches you humility.'

I have reached this place not through my own strength or my own merit. I have been incredibly blessed to do life with people who speak wisdom, who act as great friends or role models, who inspire me and speak truth to me. I couldn't, and wouldn't WANT to do life alone. Though I am an individual, I am also in community and have something to GIVE as well as to RECEIVE.

'God said, “It’s not good for the Man to be alone; I’ll make him a helper, a companion.” Genesis 2:18

Much Love xxx

Read More

'You Learn by Living' Part 2 - Fear.

Welcome to the second part of my series based on this lovely book. The topic of this blog is fear. A topic that, if you have read anything else on here (bar the recipes!) you will know appears often in my writing. When I saw that this book had a whole chapter devoted to this subject, I read it pretty eagerly. The more I read, the more I realise how much this inspirational woman achieved, and she did it with a wonderful humility.

Linking back to the first part of this series, the focus there was based on the concept of 'lifelong learning' i.e. we stand to learn something from every experience we have in life whether good, bad or ugly. (Had to get my second cowboy reference in there as yesterday I finally got to see 'Django Unchained,' and can't stop thinking about it.) This serves as a continuation from that.

'You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face.'

So much of our lives is spent running away from things that truly scare us. Of course, it is easier to stay within that zone of comfort because it is scarier to step out of it. We can easily avoid dealing with things that we are afraid of; if we are scared of the dark, sleep with the light on. If we are scared of heights, avoid bridges and mountains. If we are afraid of roller-coasters, don't go to a theme park. Avoiding the problem doesn't make it go away, it just puts it to sleep for a little while until it crops up again. But why do we let ourselves live like this? We only truly find our courage when we face one fear, and realise that it wasn't as hard as we first thought - then we have strength to fight something the next time that is potentially more difficult.

'I haven't ever believed that anything supported by fear can stand against freedom from fear. Surely we cannot be so stupid as to let ourselves become shackled by senseless fears.' 

These fears might not only be in the league of 'spiders' and other such things. There are other fears. The ones that make us worry about what other people think of us. The way we look, dress, talk, where we work, the decisions that we make. I know recently I faced up to a decision I knew I had to make, but I was scared to on the basis of what others would think of it. I left a group of which I had been a part for many years. It wasn't easy to do, but I knew I had to - even if for a short time. This group happened to be a Church. I was worried about leaving because I knew people would question it, but the truth is - I just wasn't going for the right reasons anymore. I was going because that's what I did, I was expected to. But that's not why you go to Church. I miss them. But I sit here knowing it was the right decision because it has set me free. I was anxious about facing up to it, making excuses but in the end I had to bite the bullet, whether it confused people or not. 

'Since everybody is an individual, nobody can be you. You are unique. No-one can tell you how to use your time. It is yours. Your life is your own. You mould it. You make it. All anyone can do is to point out ways and means which have been helpful to others.'

If anything, my Faith has grown because it has given me space to realise that a lot of my 'wants' and 'dreams' were not based on what I truly wanted for my life, and what I thought was right for my life - moreover they had been based on what I had seen others do in their life and thought that was the obvious path for me. I know realise that isn't the truth. I need people around me who will encourage my strange and unconventional dreams and will support me at any cost to get there rather than shrink them to give me happiness now, rather than to wait a while longer. I'm getting quite good at waiting. 

'Do the things that interest you and do them with all your heart. Don't be concerned about whether people are watching you or criticising you. It's your attention to yourself that is so stultifying. But you have to disregard yourself as completely as possible. If you fail the first time, you just have to try harder the second time.'

We naturally think too hard, I am extremely guilty of that. I have a tendency to over-analyse but can often use that to work in my favour. At times, I just have to stop myself, and do what I need to do. When I withdrew from Facebook - it seemed like a crazy decision. I threw so much of my life on there, (as does everyone) I was 'friends' with people I barely saw and what would be a supposed ten minute flick through often turned to hours of getting sucked in to reading updates about other peoples lives. I can tell you now, I have not missed it one bit. I think we're all better off without it, and better with real, authentic friendships. People throw all-sorts of information on there based on insecurities and 'oh look at me.' I think we would be better off being truly honest with the people that are in front of us to help us face our fears; loneliness, abandonment, rejection, loss. Real fears that are there everyday, that control us and consume us. We are afraid to burden each other even though that is why we have friends in the first place - to share in the joys AND the sorrows. Those friends who truly love us, will endure through difficulties alongside us, because why wouldn't they?

'I learned to stare down each of my fears, conquer it, attain the hard earned courage to go on to the next. Only then was I really free.'

When we begin to look at our lives, at our fears and insecurities, as we open up to those whom we love and can trust - we find the strength to face up to them. It's a part of life that isn't nice and flowery, more likely painful - but it has to be worth it if it sets us free. I hope this has encouraged you!

Much Love xxx

Read More

'You Learn by Living' Part 1 - Changing.

I'm not sure how many parts my first 'series' is going to be made up of, but I've decided it simply will not fit in to one post. The website I mentioned in this post led me to purchasing my new book. It's one of those that refreshes and challenges me each time I pick it up - so much so, I have begun taking notes on it and seemed to have folded down every single page as they all contain words that I want to hold on to. So, what is this mysterious book I hear you ask?

Look at it here - You Learn By Living by Eleanor Roosevelt. I knew relatively little about her before I first picked up this book but I've been learning more as I've read the examples she uses about her own life to back up her points.

Evolving

Her mindset is extremely similar to mine, first illustrated on the introduction pages to the book:

'None of us can afford to stop learning or to check our curiosity about new things, or to lose our humility in the face of new things.'

The idea of 'lifelong learning' was one of my favourite pieces of teaching at University. It really transformed the way I saw myself, and the way I lived my life. I've heard so many people say that the person you were at 18 is the person you will always be. I think that is absolute codswallop. If you seek knowledge, change and the broadening of your horizons then you will never stop evolving and growing as person, thus making you different and more mature. 

I truly believe that we can stand to learn something from every encounter we experience. This could be at work, at home, with friends, at school, in relationships or at college. It could be from a big mistake, a small one, or a success. We can always draw learning from our actions if we search hard enough for it. This type of learning requires looking deeply in to ourselves, and helps us to realise things we perhaps never knew. What are my fears, hopes, habits, desires? I will write more about this in part 2!

'There is no experience from which you can't learn something. When you stop learning, you stop living in any vital and meaningful sense. And the purpose of life, afterall is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience.'

A lot of the time, we are afraid of making mistakes. We do everything we can to avoid and ignore them because they are not seen as a necessary part of life. For me, I tend to learn through action. I can't usually read a set of instructions and then set to work - I like to be shown how to do something, or I like to try it out myself. This approach might mean it takes a while, I might make more mistakes and have to try again - but that's how my brain works. Does it really matter how long it takes to get something right if each time we try, we learn something? The process of learning how to do something is as, if not more, important as the end product.

'We cannot shut the windows and pull down the shades, we cannot say, "I have learnt all I need to know, my opinions are fixed on everything. I refuse to change or to consider these new things." Not today. Not anymore.'

I love these words. They feel like soul food. I know so many people who cause me frustration because of this. Sometimes, those who think like this are younger than me - I find that a scary indictment. We cannot afford to think like this anymore! In a world that is changing and evolving so quickly, we cannot remain ourselves unchanging. This stops us from becoming relevant, and relatable to all kinds of people.

We need to hold on to our curiosity for learning, and for life. People are always saying to me that i'm nosey - but I disagree. I ask a lot of questions, I like to get my bearings when in a new environment, with new people or in a new place. I like to work out how I can fit, what makes people tick, what their opinions, passions, dreams are, who does what in the office etc. Mainly because I'm curious. I don't just want to turn up and know nothing about where I am or who I am with, I have this thirst for knowledge. That's what keeps me fresh and excited about life!

'If a child's curiosity is not fed, if his questions are not answered, he will stop asking questions. And then, by the time he is in his middle twenties, he will stop wondering about all the mysteries of his world. His curiosity will be dead.' 

This is one of my motivations for choosing youth work. Young people have so many questions. They are in a stage of trying to make sense of the world in which they have found themselves, and they want to find out what their part is, what can they offer? They need alsorts of people, from all walks of life to listen to their queries, their struggles, in an attempt to form themselves into adults who contribute to their society. We all need this, and well all need to hold onto our curiosity, our adventure for life and our willingness to learn and adapt. 

Much Love xxx

Read More