God is not a Genie.

Well, it's been another week of lessons learnt. I guess you could say I'd put all of my eggs in one basket with the recent job I applied for and after I finally got an interview I thought I was sorted. Unfortunately, I am not. I realise that in the grand scheme of things, this is a common occurrence and I am by no means alone in this struggle but I don't think that makes it any easier. It's such a vicious circle because people don't take you on due to your 'lack of experience' (even though I do have a LOT!) thus not allowing you to gain any paid experience which in turn stops you from progressing from where you are. I think sometimes we just tell ourselves it's all ok and 'the right job will come along' but I just want to acknowledge that in situations such as these, it is OK to be upset/confused/sad. It's a very frustrating situation and if you are in the same boat - I get how you feel!!

It's one of those seasons of life that is laced with complete confusion and it's not easy to know how eager and enthusiastic you are, yet no-one is giving you the chance to express that or do anything useful with it. Then, just when you think there's an open door, you get there, and it's closed. I've just been thinking WHAT THE HECK am I supposed to do next?!

This is where my title comes in. You may have read that in my previous posts, I've been learning to be thankful, to slow down, to appreciate what I have, to be patient and to trust God's plan. I suppose I just expected that after Uni, it would all just fall into place. I didn't have a choice but to come back home again, which has of course had it's challenges and sacrifices. I know what my skills are, what I can do, my strengths and weaknesses, I know that I will work hard and commit fully to whatever I do and so I thought it was obvious that a job would just land on my lap - because why wouldn't it? But then I begin to think that maybe as Christians, we carry some sort of spiritual arrogance. This attitude of 'God will give you the perfect job.' But what about my non-Christian neighbour? Are they not allowed the perfect job? Do they just have to work any old thing and we'll just swoop in because 'God has gone before us?' Don't we have to work, to wait and to be stuck too?

I think it is stupid of us to assume that we too wont have to work hard and endure tough times. After all, it is promised in the Bible that we will share in the sufferings. (I speak to myself here as much as those of you whom are reading this.) Of course, this is one of those annoying circumstances that just feels a bit hopeless but I know and hope that it wont be like this forever. It is up to me to work hard in the meantime, whether that be networking, trawling job sites, filling in even MORE application forms, widening my search, thinking outside of the box, asking around etc. I cannot sit here and wait for God to drop my dream on my lap. I have to put the effort in for it, I'm sure - being the almighty He probably could drop it on my lap however what would I learn from that?

Would I learn to discern, (hey that rhymes) to seek help from others, to depend on Him, to figure out what I am passionate about, to make real-life big decisions, to stop worrying about the future and think about what is happening now, to hold my plans loosely, to grow through struggles? No. He knows exactly what He is doing, of that I am sure. Would we need Faith if we knew what tomorrow held? No.  But I believe that God has a higher purpose. I can imagine that at the end of this stage, I will look back and see, once again how beautiful His orchestration is. I am sure every part of this experience is building me up for something that will come at the right time, in the right place, with the right people. Though at times, being stuck has been the most frustrating and un-natural experience for me and I have hated parts of it - I cannot only expect life, and Christianity to be good.

Sometimes, cack just happens. There's no explanation for it. I know it does, I've experienced it. I've seen it in peoples lives and I've just thought 'how is it possible that this could all happen to one person?' but it just does and I have no answer for it. Gaining perspective by zooming out to see the bigger picture is the only way we can get through it! Of course, my life could be a million times worse - I've shared my burden to campaign against Human Trafficking - it's horrific and I cannot imagine what life is like for those people - it disturbs me so much that people can be treated like this - but in the here and now, this is my personal struggle and I am allowed to be sad that no-one wants to employ me. Rejection isn't a nice experience, especially when all you want to do is get stuck in with something and be given an opportunity. But, it is what it is. We are not exempt from struggles, rather we need to embrace them - because this is reality.

Romans 8:17

The Message (MSG)

^15-17 This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It’s adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike “What’s next, Papa?” God’s Spirit touches our spirits and confirms who we really are. We know who he is, and we know who we are: Father and children. And we know we are going to get what’s coming to us—an unbelievable inheritance! We go through exactly what Christ goes through. If we go through the hard times with him, then we’re certainly going to go through the good times with him!

Much Love xxx

P.s. someone give me a job please.

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The Core.

Sorry I've been a bit quiet lately! I've just had yet another trip, which involved visiting my beloved Chester for the first time since I left it. It was such a wonderful yet overwhelming time which I have not yet had time to process as I've not stopped until right now. It felt so good to see the faces that once surrounded me every day which became absent for these past 16 or so weeks. It was also great to see the ones I didn't see so much as we all picked up where we left off. I got lots of time to catch up with familiar faces (one of which I hadn't seen in over a year) to come up to speed with what changes have occurred in our lives. I left feeling incredibly blessed, and thankful that those friendships still remain, whether I am there or not.

I read this excellent article yesterday which really got me thinking further about this. I'm in a similar situation to this woman, aside from the fact that I have returned home and am not in a new place with a husband. As I spoke to people back in Chester about 'what I am now doing with my life,' I began to become frustrated. I don't have a 'label' at the moment. I started to think that's all I need and then I'll be fine. I need to be able to say, 'Hi, I'm Sarah and I'm a _____________' youth worker, receptionist, administrator, student worker, support worker, teaching assistant etc. The more I have thought about what it is that I want to 'be,' the more confused I become. I feel like there are a lot of things that I could 'do' and love, especially when thinking about employment - you should see everything I have applied for, it varies quite substantially! But that doesn't make me who I am.

If people talk about me, I don't want them to just thinking 'oh yeah she was great at making spreadsheets' or 'she made great cupcakes,' (though I would of course appreciate that!) I want something more. As I've tried to reach the core of what I want, I realise it is this. I want people to say 'she was really good at loving.' The more I continue this journey with God, I realise how incredible He is at loving not just me - but His creation. I find it so overwhelming. That I, so insignificant could have been created by the same God that created things such as this:

You may not believe that, but I do with every fibre of my being. I believe I have seen God in my life and in others and I believe that He is the one who is responsible for all the amazing people I have in my life, both friends and family. All the incredible opportunities I have had so far, all of the laughter I have enjoyed, the strength I now have after going through trials and everything that awaits me in my future. I was brought to a place where I recognised that God was there so I seek to find Him in all my situations. 

You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

Jeremiah 29:12-14

I believe that God works for the good of His children. I don't think all situations are good but if we change our mind set and see it from different eyes, I believe that gives us power to change our situations. I for one want to live in freedom, freedom to love and be myself - the person I was created to be. If that means being the one who says what everyone else is thinking then so be it. If that means that sometimes I'm accidentally a bit too honest then I will apologise. All I want to be is your true friend, and a person that loves you no matter what you do. I was forgiven, and you deserve the same. I was brought out of darkness into light and hurt in to love and you should have that too. That is what I want to 'be.' A job will come for me when the time is right but in the meantime, I have other things to be thinking about. How can I love you better?

Much Love xxx

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When I grow up, I want to be....

Yesterday, I read this article which is all about your passions and how you can create a reality made out of your dreams.

'Yes, meaningful work really is within your grasp. It begins with asking what you do best, and then considering how you can engage your talents in daily work.

You can recapture that childlike creativity you may have lost. You can release the dreams and sense of purpose you had as a child. You may find your prayers invigorated, now knowing there is a day-by-day application of God’s design for your life.'

After I read this, I went away and started to think what I wanted to be as a child. I remember growing up, I used to spend a lot of time by myself because I liked the pleasure of my own company and could easily find things to occupy myself. Which hasn't really changed all that much! I used to spend a lot of time at my gran's house  where every single week I would take my beloved Mary Poppins VHS with me and we would always have tea and ginger biscuits for supper. I also thought about games I used to play and I remember telling some friends at Uni about this because I thought everyone would play it...but it seems they didn't. Either before or after watching Mary Poppins again, I would go to my gran's cupboard and get her old telephone out. I would also get a notepad and play Offices. I would pretend I was taking orders, calling important people and sorting things out in the business. Sometimes my gran would give me old things from my grandad's office that I could use because she did all his invoices. That was a real treat! When I did my work experience, for two weeks I went to my mum's office and loved it. I got to do alsorts of inputting and pretending that I knew what all these people were talking about. Later in life I became an administrator for a couple of jobs which I loved. Now, I am applying for alsorts of administration roles as I couldn't quite decide between that and youth work because unusually, I love both (which is quite rare!)

Thinking back to playing offices made me laugh because though it isn't what every 4 year old dreamt of - it's what I've ended up doing and being quite passionate about. Maybe I was born realistic or something because I can't remember ever wanting to be a superhero or a nanny who flies and jumps into chalk paintings. 

The second game I always used to play was teachers. I would get all my books out and make pretend book logs for all my pupils so I could check how well their reading was coming along. I used to mark all their work with a red pen and leave lots of corrections. I gave them merits and detentions. I was quite fair I think. This also made me laugh, because although I've not ended up in a school, (maybe I will!) I am an educator of sorts. My favourite part of youth work is helping the youngsters develop skills, self-esteem, confidence and the ability to question and make sense of the world around them. I have used my admin dreams to create projects and resources for them to use and then sit and go through it with them. I love that. 

Finding this article made me realise that the dreams you have as a child can absolutely become a reality, as mine have. Of course, I have other dreams such as becoming a mother and marrying a (tall) American cowboy. Or one day owning a café so that I can legitimately spend all day in one of those places. Or setting up my own project that works with young mums as that combines two of my passions - youth work and babies. Those are future dreams. Those are ones that I can make happen! That is exciting. I read another good article in this magazine that talked about 'Millennials' which I had never heard of but I guess i'm one of them and how their work ethic is changing. It said that 50% of millennials would rather have no job than a job they hate. It also described how life isn't all about work to this age group - that it's more important that they are making a difference rather than just working to pay bills. Now, this is nice if what you dream of doing pays well. I realise that not everyone will have this freedom to pursue their dream jobs as if in my case you have chosen a career path that doesn't always pay all that well. But is if you can afford to do it and can learn to live on a little then I think it is better to have a job that is rewarding and is not motivated only by money.

Far, far away...

I think sometimes as Christians we become obsessed with having to work somewhere that isn't our home. We look at people who travel off to Africa for a month or to some other country doing some 'crazy' gap year which leaves us, stuck at home in a seemingly boring job feeling inadequate. Like we aren't living the dream because we are here and they are there. But when these people are out in another country - what are they doing there? Teaching? Running summer schools?  Feeding the hungry? Can't we do that here, on our doorstep? The problem is, is that we're afraid of settling somewhere because we think we should be anywhere else, doing anything else and being anyone else. We can't deal with being normal - early nights, early mornings, routine, work, nights in etc. Just can't be our reality. But it is up to us to make the reality of life more exciting:

'We need to live an adventure in the everyday ordinary'

Of course, being 21 and a recent graduate I too am feeling the fear of settling because the world, right now is my oyster. However, in the place I am in - making everyday an adventure is something I am trying to do - to make the most of it and to enjoy this time as much as I can because any day now it could all change. What i'm saying is that we need to stop comparing ourselves and our lives to other people and to focus on what it is we are called to do and live that to the full. We can get involved in projects, groups, communities, volunteering opportunities in our own towns and make a difference there! That is exciting. Being normal is not a bad thing! 

What are your dreams? How can you incorporate them into your every day life? Who wants to watch Mary Poppins with me?

Much Love xxx

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