In which I change.

If these past few months have taught me anything, it's that I'm not the person I used to be. I remember how I would describe myself whilst I was still at Uni - it would be something along the lines of 'organised, love planning, hate surprises, in control.' Now, I think that couldn't be further from the truth.  For one, I have come to believe that organisation is more of a skill or gift than a personality attribute. I guess I've reached this place where I'm not able to be in control at all, so I have had to learn to wait for surprises and I can't really make any plans until a few important steps have been made.

I'm in a place where I have had to adapt to my present circumstances but still remain content with where I am. I think that's half the battle; being in a place I didn't think I would be waiting for an opportunity to come my way but still remaining hopeful and happy. I have met with professionals lately who have asked me 'where do I want to be?' or 'where do I see myself going?' and I've surprised myself with my change in answer. Before, I was very set - youth work, because that's what I'm trained in, but when you look a bit deeper or a bit wider the path isn't as narrow as it seems. I'm rediscovering my 'I could go anywhere' approach. This doesn't have to mean geographically but it could mean in the first role I end up with and where that could lead to in the future. We're in an age where it isn't common to stay in one trade for our entire lives - we're much more...flitty (I am not sure this is a word but it feels right, like a butterfly I was thinking) than that and we have so many more opportunities.

So instead of being obsessed with lists, scared of surprises, needing to know what is coming - I am feeling excited because I feel renewed, with a new lease of life and less fear. I hate fear. It has no place in our lives as it comes and takes over and robs us of opportunities. It tells us our dreams aren't big enough, that we aren't good enough, that we should always want for more, that we should have what our friends have because what we have isn't enough. But that's not right!

If we invest in the people that love us, right where we are then we are well on the way to being prepared for whatever life may throw at us. Whether that be good, or bad. Hard, or easy. Happy, or sad. I think that is the key. Community is what we need to do life, to live it rich in love and togetherness. That is what really matters, our dependence on each other whether that be family or friends. Those things are more important than my career for even if I don't end up doing what I studied, it doesn't matter as long as I am happy.

 I no longer place value on 'things' but in 'people.' I've been really blown away this past week with the amazing network of people I have in my life. This has brought about more opportunities than I could ever have thought possible, or that I could have planned for myself. I look forward to the time when I can do the same thing for someone else because I couldn't have gotten anywhere lately without the help and time of others. This is something else that has changed me. I have always been fiercely independent. If someone showed me how to do something like baking, using a computer programme etc, I was off - I could then do it on my own and continue to work it out for myself. But I have begun to wonder whether that's really how I want to live. I don't want to be an authority figure, I want to be a team player who gets in and serves alongside others. I want to choose to live life alongside others, so knowing that I could do a task more easily by myself isn't important, because I would rather learn together, with someone else. I really believe that this is what we have lost and I for one am going to fight for it. I think a level of dependence is healthy and necessary if we are ever to live in true community. We each have different skills that when used together equal something greater than if we were going at it alone.

I feel like this has been a bit rambly so to clarify:

- We need to learn to reflect on our experiences in order to change, grow and adapt to new circumstances.

- Investing in each other is more important than worrying about the future for those who love us will support us whatever happens.

- We shouldn't be afraid.

- Living in and for community is better than living by and for ourselves.

Much Love xxx