In which we run fully clothed into a fountain.

These words have been stalking me recently. Well, for the past year actually. For months, I have read them day in, day out wondering if I will ever put them back into practice. When I was at University, I did this a lot. My sense of adventure and excitement for spontaneity were alive and well. It didn't matter that we travelled for 8 hours down to the opposite end of the country to watch a one hour concert on the beach. Nor did it really matter that we arrived home from London at 2am to find the entire contents of our bedrooms switched around with someone else. We celebrated engagements, birthdays, jubilees, Christmas and 2-4-1 cocktails on a Thursday evening. We had weekends away, trips to the beach, journeys to the supermarket after midnight (rebellion at it's best.) We spent every night in the garden drinking cider and having BBQ's with our neighbours. We spent an entire day filling a paddling pool with water and all sat in it, just the once. We didn't really have a reason to fear the future, we were having too much fun! We were too busy enjoying the moment, making the most of where we were, because we knew that it wouldn't last forever. Those three years were for staying up until 4am most nights talking about goodness knows what, to adventure, to learn and experience, to find ourselves before the real world hit. No responsibilities, enjoying our independence. Those amazing years came and went so quickly that it already feels like a distant memory. 

I wasn't prepared for the job market to be as it has been. I have made so many plans based on 'if I get this job, I can...' or 'I'll be able to...' only to be turned down because I don't have enough experience. So, back to the drawing board. I've had a year of 'what will you do next?' 'Where will you go?' 'Why don't you move?' 'Do you really want that job?' 'Have you tried this, or that?' Truth be told, these questions have not made my life any easier! I have explored so many avenues to get where I want to be yet sometimes it feels like I am no closer. I have no answers, because I have no clue what's going on here! 

'She laughs without fear of the future...'

^

You may have gathered by now, that I have not done a lot of that lately. I recently attended a conference that focussed a lot on this. The masks that some of us hide behind; inadequacy, victim, perfection. Our constant battle to be 'worry free' when actually, a certain level of worry is both necessary and healthy - when we gain control of it. I learnt a lot that day. I realised how afraid I feel of making the wrong decision because I feel so lost. What if I regret this? What if I don't do this and wish I had? But a better question I needed to ask myself was this; when was the last time that I didn't feel afraid? 

It all hit me, one sunny day with a friend. You see, the weather has been driving England crazy lately. I know that we are infamous for moaning CONSTANTLY about the weather, but the problem is that it's so unpredictable that we are unprepared for everything. Snow, sun, rain, fog. We don't get enough of one weather type to make proper precautions so instead we just moan. It's never just right. We have had about a month of sunshine. Today, for the first time in as long as I can remember, I took a coat out with me, not only that, but an umbrella. Our homes and many of our shops, restaurants and cafés are not air conditioned, so we have all had to buy fans to prevent us from melting. Nobody is sleeping. But now the rain has started again, everybody is moaning because THE SUN HAS GONE. 

I digress. One fine day a couple of weeks ago, I was sat with a friend eating an ice-cream whilst we dipped our toes in a pool of water in the centre of Bradford. It was so hot that dipping our toes simply wasn't cutting the mustard. There were kids running through the fountains, splashing around in swimming costumes. So were there parents. I couldn't watch it, it was just torture - everything within me wanted to just run in there, regardless of the fact that I was fully clothed. So, we discussed this pickle in which we found ourselves and decided to drop off our belongings and my friends house and go back to the water to walk around in it. My friend was able to change into more sensible clothes, whereas I did not come prepared for this. We left our shoes with a random family and walked into the water:

photo credit

But that wasn't enough. There was a huge fountain spraying out in the middle that people were running through. We saw a guy run through it and I thought he didn't actually look that wet. So, we had to do it too. We ran. We got drenched. We LAUGHED. We laid down in the water, enjoying the sun for a while, in between a splash fight with a small child and another run through the giant fountain. I didn't care that I had mascara all down my face. I didn't care that my hair was dripping wet. I didn't care that we were walking through a busy city centre soaking wet. I didn't even care that I didn't have a change of clothes and I had to go home on the train.

I didn't CARE about the consequences, because I wanted to enjoy the moment. Not just dip my toes in whilst watching everyone else have fun, but to run into the fountain, fully clothed with my eyes closed. It was so liberating! Though to you, this may seem like nothing - for me it was a wake up call. I have been so caught up, worrying about which road to go down when really, I don't need to. I have allowed my worry to rob me of my JOY. This is not how it should be! 

'For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.' 2 Tim 1:7

Whatever road I go down, I will be challenged, blessed and tested. I cannot spend my days waiting for tomorrow to find joy in today. I must FULLY live now - it is a choice! I have to take steps into the un-known, not knowing what might be ahead of me and live it, do it and experience it. None of us know what tomorrow holds, but we CAN choose whether we will allow worry to rob us of our joy or if we will allow joy to eliminate our worry.

Much Love xxx

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'You Learn by Living' Part 3 - Individuality.

Learning how to 'be' yourself is something I am really interested in. It's funny how hard it is to do in such a judgemental society, one that is always telling us that we 'need' this, or that to be beautiful. That this miracle product will magically stop us from looking older, our eyes will look less puffy, our hair will be shinier or we will attract more men/women if we use a certain type of body spray. We are constantly bombarded with ways that we can improve instead of ways to help us be comfortable with who we actually are. If we aren't careful, we so easily conform to act in ways that society deems the norm and we lose ourselves. 

'We are facing a great danger today. The loss of our individuality...it's your life - but only if you make it so.'

So often when we are trying to make a decision, one of our biggest worries is 'what will other people think.' I remember when I was getting ready for a wedding recently (I get invited to a LOT of weddings) and for weeks I freaked out about the dress I had. It had everything that I loved in a dress. It had roses on it, and lace and went in at the waist. It was about knee length and could be worn comfortably with tights and nice shoes. But all I could think was 'will everyone think it's not formal enough for a wedding?' 'Will they think I didn't try hard enough to make an effort?' Even on the DAY BEFORE the wedding I spent the whole day in town searching for another dress that might be a bit more posh. In the end I stuck to my first choice. I got to the wedding and saw someone in jeans and then realised how much time I wasted thinking about such a ridiculous 'problem.' But we think like this more often than we realise. Probably on a daily basis. But we need to stop it! 

'It is a brave thing to have courage to be an individual, it is also, perhaps, a lonely thing. But it is better than not being an individual, which is to be nobody at all.'

A lot of this decision making, whether small or large, comes from a place of confidence within ourselves. I'm sure if you know me, even a little - you will have learnt a few key things about me quite quickly. I love America, tea, baking, flowers/floral prints, babies and cowboys. I am a Christian and I spend most of my spare time in coffee shops talking to people. Due to the fact that I know my tastes, people are always telling me that I'm easy to buy for...which is nice because I always make use of the gifts people give me. This kind of confidence took a while to grow, but these are the things that make me who I am. 

'Of course, this means you must have a certain confidence in your own taste. And here, I think is the key to much conformity - the lack of self-confidence that makes people fearful of following their own bent.'

Once we are confident in being ourselves, we need to let go of other fears. As we become stronger, and more able to make our own decisions - we must stop worrying what other people will think of us. I have personally struggled with this a lot recently. I've been muddling through, trying to make decisions when I have no control over what is going on. I knew there were certain things I wasn't ready for, such as moving away again or stepping into a full time Youth Work career. Of course, where I have ended up at present is not where I would've put myself but I'm enjoying the moment. I have time to work and see my friends/remain involved in working with young people plus other activities that I have found myself being a part of. I have been able to read, bake and create. I have had time to rebuild and be strengthened. All of this, I am so thankful for. It has been hard to try and explain this to others but one thing that has become apparent is this: 'if people believe in you, they will trust your motives.' I need to do what I know needs to be done, and I do not have to answer to people for my chosen actions. 

'Sooner or later, you are bound to discover that you cannot please all of the people around you all of the time. So you had better learn fairly early that you must not expect to have everyone understand what you say and what you do.'

One good way of making sure that you stick to this is by setting boundaries for yourself. Whether that be with work, home, friends, Church, family etc. If I have a day off, I work hard to make sure that I do nothing specific to my job. That time is mine, to spend how I wish with who I wish and I am responsible for ensuring that I make the most of it. If I am with a friend over coffee, I try hard not to respond to texts/phone calls from other people because that is my time to give to that one person. Everytime I go to the cinema, I switch my phone off and get lost in the movie...that's one of my favourite things to do (even though those 2 hours are the time when the whole WORLD wants to get in touch with me!) My phone goes into 'Do not Disturb' mode at 10pm so I generally don't respond until the morning unless it's an emergency. These are my ways of making sure I take a bit of time to look after myself so that I don't burnout, because then I am useless to everyone!

'Success must include 2 things: the development of an individual to his utmost potentiality and a contribution of some kind to one's world.'

I am not adding to the world's message of 'it's all about me, me, me.' The reasons I am writing this are that learning to be confident in who we are and the decisions we make should in turn, allow us to make a good contribution to the world in which we live. We will not be held back by fear and insecurity, rather we will be free to be who we were created to be and will naturally encourage others to do the same. I believe we all have a responsibility to do something useful with our lives, to educate ourselves on what is going on in the world and to offer our skills/gifts/talents to people that will truly benefit from them. To do this, we need each other. I cannot change the world single handedly, I wasn't created to do that. However when I join the work of other people that share similar passions that I do, we can make a collective difference.

'The knowledge of how little you can do alone teaches you humility.'

I have reached this place not through my own strength or my own merit. I have been incredibly blessed to do life with people who speak wisdom, who act as great friends or role models, who inspire me and speak truth to me. I couldn't, and wouldn't WANT to do life alone. Though I am an individual, I am also in community and have something to GIVE as well as to RECEIVE.

'God said, “It’s not good for the Man to be alone; I’ll make him a helper, a companion.” Genesis 2:18

Much Love xxx

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'You Learn by Living' Part 2 - Fear.

Welcome to the second part of my series based on this lovely book. The topic of this blog is fear. A topic that, if you have read anything else on here (bar the recipes!) you will know appears often in my writing. When I saw that this book had a whole chapter devoted to this subject, I read it pretty eagerly. The more I read, the more I realise how much this inspirational woman achieved, and she did it with a wonderful humility.

Linking back to the first part of this series, the focus there was based on the concept of 'lifelong learning' i.e. we stand to learn something from every experience we have in life whether good, bad or ugly. (Had to get my second cowboy reference in there as yesterday I finally got to see 'Django Unchained,' and can't stop thinking about it.) This serves as a continuation from that.

'You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face.'

So much of our lives is spent running away from things that truly scare us. Of course, it is easier to stay within that zone of comfort because it is scarier to step out of it. We can easily avoid dealing with things that we are afraid of; if we are scared of the dark, sleep with the light on. If we are scared of heights, avoid bridges and mountains. If we are afraid of roller-coasters, don't go to a theme park. Avoiding the problem doesn't make it go away, it just puts it to sleep for a little while until it crops up again. But why do we let ourselves live like this? We only truly find our courage when we face one fear, and realise that it wasn't as hard as we first thought - then we have strength to fight something the next time that is potentially more difficult.

'I haven't ever believed that anything supported by fear can stand against freedom from fear. Surely we cannot be so stupid as to let ourselves become shackled by senseless fears.' 

These fears might not only be in the league of 'spiders' and other such things. There are other fears. The ones that make us worry about what other people think of us. The way we look, dress, talk, where we work, the decisions that we make. I know recently I faced up to a decision I knew I had to make, but I was scared to on the basis of what others would think of it. I left a group of which I had been a part for many years. It wasn't easy to do, but I knew I had to - even if for a short time. This group happened to be a Church. I was worried about leaving because I knew people would question it, but the truth is - I just wasn't going for the right reasons anymore. I was going because that's what I did, I was expected to. But that's not why you go to Church. I miss them. But I sit here knowing it was the right decision because it has set me free. I was anxious about facing up to it, making excuses but in the end I had to bite the bullet, whether it confused people or not. 

'Since everybody is an individual, nobody can be you. You are unique. No-one can tell you how to use your time. It is yours. Your life is your own. You mould it. You make it. All anyone can do is to point out ways and means which have been helpful to others.'

If anything, my Faith has grown because it has given me space to realise that a lot of my 'wants' and 'dreams' were not based on what I truly wanted for my life, and what I thought was right for my life - moreover they had been based on what I had seen others do in their life and thought that was the obvious path for me. I know realise that isn't the truth. I need people around me who will encourage my strange and unconventional dreams and will support me at any cost to get there rather than shrink them to give me happiness now, rather than to wait a while longer. I'm getting quite good at waiting. 

'Do the things that interest you and do them with all your heart. Don't be concerned about whether people are watching you or criticising you. It's your attention to yourself that is so stultifying. But you have to disregard yourself as completely as possible. If you fail the first time, you just have to try harder the second time.'

We naturally think too hard, I am extremely guilty of that. I have a tendency to over-analyse but can often use that to work in my favour. At times, I just have to stop myself, and do what I need to do. When I withdrew from Facebook - it seemed like a crazy decision. I threw so much of my life on there, (as does everyone) I was 'friends' with people I barely saw and what would be a supposed ten minute flick through often turned to hours of getting sucked in to reading updates about other peoples lives. I can tell you now, I have not missed it one bit. I think we're all better off without it, and better with real, authentic friendships. People throw all-sorts of information on there based on insecurities and 'oh look at me.' I think we would be better off being truly honest with the people that are in front of us to help us face our fears; loneliness, abandonment, rejection, loss. Real fears that are there everyday, that control us and consume us. We are afraid to burden each other even though that is why we have friends in the first place - to share in the joys AND the sorrows. Those friends who truly love us, will endure through difficulties alongside us, because why wouldn't they?

'I learned to stare down each of my fears, conquer it, attain the hard earned courage to go on to the next. Only then was I really free.'

When we begin to look at our lives, at our fears and insecurities, as we open up to those whom we love and can trust - we find the strength to face up to them. It's a part of life that isn't nice and flowery, more likely painful - but it has to be worth it if it sets us free. I hope this has encouraged you!

Much Love xxx

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'You Learn by Living' Part 1 - Changing.

I'm not sure how many parts my first 'series' is going to be made up of, but I've decided it simply will not fit in to one post. The website I mentioned in this post led me to purchasing my new book. It's one of those that refreshes and challenges me each time I pick it up - so much so, I have begun taking notes on it and seemed to have folded down every single page as they all contain words that I want to hold on to. So, what is this mysterious book I hear you ask?

Look at it here - You Learn By Living by Eleanor Roosevelt. I knew relatively little about her before I first picked up this book but I've been learning more as I've read the examples she uses about her own life to back up her points.

Evolving

Her mindset is extremely similar to mine, first illustrated on the introduction pages to the book:

'None of us can afford to stop learning or to check our curiosity about new things, or to lose our humility in the face of new things.'

The idea of 'lifelong learning' was one of my favourite pieces of teaching at University. It really transformed the way I saw myself, and the way I lived my life. I've heard so many people say that the person you were at 18 is the person you will always be. I think that is absolute codswallop. If you seek knowledge, change and the broadening of your horizons then you will never stop evolving and growing as person, thus making you different and more mature. 

I truly believe that we can stand to learn something from every encounter we experience. This could be at work, at home, with friends, at school, in relationships or at college. It could be from a big mistake, a small one, or a success. We can always draw learning from our actions if we search hard enough for it. This type of learning requires looking deeply in to ourselves, and helps us to realise things we perhaps never knew. What are my fears, hopes, habits, desires? I will write more about this in part 2!

'There is no experience from which you can't learn something. When you stop learning, you stop living in any vital and meaningful sense. And the purpose of life, afterall is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience.'

A lot of the time, we are afraid of making mistakes. We do everything we can to avoid and ignore them because they are not seen as a necessary part of life. For me, I tend to learn through action. I can't usually read a set of instructions and then set to work - I like to be shown how to do something, or I like to try it out myself. This approach might mean it takes a while, I might make more mistakes and have to try again - but that's how my brain works. Does it really matter how long it takes to get something right if each time we try, we learn something? The process of learning how to do something is as, if not more, important as the end product.

'We cannot shut the windows and pull down the shades, we cannot say, "I have learnt all I need to know, my opinions are fixed on everything. I refuse to change or to consider these new things." Not today. Not anymore.'

I love these words. They feel like soul food. I know so many people who cause me frustration because of this. Sometimes, those who think like this are younger than me - I find that a scary indictment. We cannot afford to think like this anymore! In a world that is changing and evolving so quickly, we cannot remain ourselves unchanging. This stops us from becoming relevant, and relatable to all kinds of people.

We need to hold on to our curiosity for learning, and for life. People are always saying to me that i'm nosey - but I disagree. I ask a lot of questions, I like to get my bearings when in a new environment, with new people or in a new place. I like to work out how I can fit, what makes people tick, what their opinions, passions, dreams are, who does what in the office etc. Mainly because I'm curious. I don't just want to turn up and know nothing about where I am or who I am with, I have this thirst for knowledge. That's what keeps me fresh and excited about life!

'If a child's curiosity is not fed, if his questions are not answered, he will stop asking questions. And then, by the time he is in his middle twenties, he will stop wondering about all the mysteries of his world. His curiosity will be dead.' 

This is one of my motivations for choosing youth work. Young people have so many questions. They are in a stage of trying to make sense of the world in which they have found themselves, and they want to find out what their part is, what can they offer? They need alsorts of people, from all walks of life to listen to their queries, their struggles, in an attempt to form themselves into adults who contribute to their society. We all need this, and well all need to hold onto our curiosity, our adventure for life and our willingness to learn and adapt. 

Much Love xxx

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'God loves a cheerful giver...'

I've been thinking a lot lately about giving. Obviously, tis the season to be exchanging gifts, cards and over-eating. Christmas is by FAR my favourite time of year, and I am finally 90% all wrapped up and ready to go. I'm not going to get all preachy and defensive about what Christmas is truly about - I'll leave that to others because I want to talk about why generosity is so important, not just now - but always.

You see, I don't think generosity is merely an act more a lifestyle choice. I think that some of us are natural givers, and others are natural receivers. It is right to come to a balance in some ways, as I know I find it hard to receive things sometimes! So, what are some of the things that stop us from being generous?

Fear - 'What if I don't have enough to live off if I give this away?' Having lived off very little money for the past six months or so, I can say that I have learnt what I need and what I want. Has having little meant that I am not able to give? No. (I'm not sitting here blowing my own trumpet because each time I have got money my first reaction is usually: 'ooh I can buy a dress now.') It is easier than we might think to run fundraisers to help out charities, to put your loose change in a jar and give it away, to donate some tins of  food to local charities that help the homeless, to give a one off donation, to volunteer our time somewhere or even attend a fundraising event. When we have little - what we give is a LOT.


The Widow’s Offering

"Jesus sat down opposite the place where the offerings were put and watched the crowd putting their money into the temple treasury. Many rich people threw in large amounts. But a poor widow came and put in two very small copper coins, worth only a few cents.

Calling his disciples to him, Jesus said, “Truly I tell you, this poor widow has put more into the treasury than all the others. They all gave out of their wealth; but she, out of her poverty, put in everything—all she had to live on."

I love this story. It challenges me every single time I read it. Did she find it easy to give everything she had...probably not. Giving it away was worth more to her than keeping it in her pocket. I would imagine she probably thought it was embarrassing to give such a small amount as her offering, what difference could that amount make? Here, Jesus is asking us - why is it more of a sacrifice to give when we have a little? Because sometimes it is all we have. It means more. It is a decision to share what little we have with others. It is a decision to not hoard what we have but to open it up and enjoy it with those around us, even if it means that we ourselves go without something.

Entitlement - 'I earnt this, it's up to me what I do with it.' I get this. There's nothing wrong with saving for the future. But, when we hold on to what we have just because 'It's mine' we forget some important things. 

Treasures in Heaven

¹⁹ “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth,where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. ²⁰ But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal.²¹ For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also...
²⁴ “No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money.

When we think about our belongings in the bigger picture, we realise how temporary they really are. Is it better to spend 5 hours a day playing Fifa - or devoting that time to a friend? Which will last? Which will make an impact beyond our days? Life is so fragile, so fleeting and I want to encourage us all to think about how generous we are with our time, as well as our money/possessions. For we will never gain our time back.

I went to see one of my all time favourite bands a couple of weeks back. They are called 'Needtobreathe' and are from a small town in South Carolina. 

I'm just going to take a moment to appreciate my photograph. 

Small town Americans always remind me of Yorkshire folk because we share the same 'no nonsense' approach to life. Say it like it is, even though you may offend some people. They did a beautiful acapella version of their new song called 'Difference Maker.' I haven't stopped listening to it since I first heard it! At first, I thought I had figured out what the song meant until I saw the lead singer, Bear talk about it on a video on YouTube. 

Difference Maker

Yeah ain't it just amazing
How a God can tend a broken man
Yeah let him find a fortune
And then ruin it with his own two hands
Oh isn't it amazing
How a man can find himself alone
Calling through the darkness
For an answer that is never known
He walks on up the hill
The rock on which he stands
Looks back at the crowd
Looks down at his hands and he says
I am a difference maker

Oh I am a difference maker
Oh I am the only one who speaks to him
And I am the friendliest of friends of God

Yeah isn't it amazing
How a man can find himself alone
Calling through the darkness
For an answer that is never known
He walks on up the hill
The rock on which he stands
Looks back at the crowd
Looks down at his hands and he says
I am a difference maker

Oh I am a difference maker
Oh I am the only one that speaks to him
And I am the friendliest of friends of God

Yeah I am on the fence about
Nearly everything I've seen
And I have felt the fire
Put out with too much gasoline
And we're all strangers passing through
Places one afternoon
And life is but a vision
In a window that we're peeking thorough
A hopeless conversation
With a man who says he cares a lot
It's a hopeless confrontation
About who might throw a punch or not
But we are all transgressors
We're all sinners
We're all astronauts
So if you're beating death
Then raise your hand
And shut up if you're not

Hear it here :)

I think they're speaking about how arrogant we can be sometimes. That 'I' am a difference maker when surely it is God making a difference through me. Do I take the credit or do I send that Heavenward? God, in His perfection chose to reach out and love me yet I sit here and think about how good I am. With all my shortfalls and messups and mistakes, the only reason I continue is through His grace. Yet so often, it's all about me. Ultimately, we're all a bunch of messy people, in a broken world that hurts itself day in, day out. My duty is not to fill my life, this blesséd day that I have been given with 'things' that mean nothing. It is to bind broken hearts, offer the same grace I have received, and love until it hurts. Those are the things that last. And when I do something good it is because of Him, not me.

When we recognise that we have a GREAT responsibility in this life to value people over possessions, that is when we become truly generous. I am so blessed to spend my life with so many people who have gone out of their way to do amazing things for me. People who have put me first, saw something and thought of me, put up with sitting 4 hours in a coffee shop because I love talking so much. Those who have invited me along to things, who have missed me when I'm not there, who've text me to see if I'm ok. Those are the things that I treasure and they mean that I will always work hard to ensure I offer good friendship in return. 

'A generous person will prosper; whoever refreshes others will be refreshed.' Proverbs 11:25

The things that I have, are only on loan to me, so I can keep them to myself and enjoy them - or I can make a choice to involve others in enjoying them too. I want to encourage you to give with a joyful and thankful heart, being grateful for all that you have been given, knowing that by giving your time, efforts, or finances, you are making a bigger difference than you could ever know.

Much Love xxx

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In which I change.

If these past few months have taught me anything, it's that I'm not the person I used to be. I remember how I would describe myself whilst I was still at Uni - it would be something along the lines of 'organised, love planning, hate surprises, in control.' Now, I think that couldn't be further from the truth.  For one, I have come to believe that organisation is more of a skill or gift than a personality attribute. I guess I've reached this place where I'm not able to be in control at all, so I have had to learn to wait for surprises and I can't really make any plans until a few important steps have been made.

I'm in a place where I have had to adapt to my present circumstances but still remain content with where I am. I think that's half the battle; being in a place I didn't think I would be waiting for an opportunity to come my way but still remaining hopeful and happy. I have met with professionals lately who have asked me 'where do I want to be?' or 'where do I see myself going?' and I've surprised myself with my change in answer. Before, I was very set - youth work, because that's what I'm trained in, but when you look a bit deeper or a bit wider the path isn't as narrow as it seems. I'm rediscovering my 'I could go anywhere' approach. This doesn't have to mean geographically but it could mean in the first role I end up with and where that could lead to in the future. We're in an age where it isn't common to stay in one trade for our entire lives - we're much more...flitty (I am not sure this is a word but it feels right, like a butterfly I was thinking) than that and we have so many more opportunities.

So instead of being obsessed with lists, scared of surprises, needing to know what is coming - I am feeling excited because I feel renewed, with a new lease of life and less fear. I hate fear. It has no place in our lives as it comes and takes over and robs us of opportunities. It tells us our dreams aren't big enough, that we aren't good enough, that we should always want for more, that we should have what our friends have because what we have isn't enough. But that's not right!

If we invest in the people that love us, right where we are then we are well on the way to being prepared for whatever life may throw at us. Whether that be good, or bad. Hard, or easy. Happy, or sad. I think that is the key. Community is what we need to do life, to live it rich in love and togetherness. That is what really matters, our dependence on each other whether that be family or friends. Those things are more important than my career for even if I don't end up doing what I studied, it doesn't matter as long as I am happy.

 I no longer place value on 'things' but in 'people.' I've been really blown away this past week with the amazing network of people I have in my life. This has brought about more opportunities than I could ever have thought possible, or that I could have planned for myself. I look forward to the time when I can do the same thing for someone else because I couldn't have gotten anywhere lately without the help and time of others. This is something else that has changed me. I have always been fiercely independent. If someone showed me how to do something like baking, using a computer programme etc, I was off - I could then do it on my own and continue to work it out for myself. But I have begun to wonder whether that's really how I want to live. I don't want to be an authority figure, I want to be a team player who gets in and serves alongside others. I want to choose to live life alongside others, so knowing that I could do a task more easily by myself isn't important, because I would rather learn together, with someone else. I really believe that this is what we have lost and I for one am going to fight for it. I think a level of dependence is healthy and necessary if we are ever to live in true community. We each have different skills that when used together equal something greater than if we were going at it alone.

I feel like this has been a bit rambly so to clarify:

- We need to learn to reflect on our experiences in order to change, grow and adapt to new circumstances.

- Investing in each other is more important than worrying about the future for those who love us will support us whatever happens.

- We shouldn't be afraid.

- Living in and for community is better than living by and for ourselves.

Much Love xxx 

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