One word for 2014

I have seen this concept scattered around a couple of blogs and felt inspired to do the same. One word, that I will reflect on throughout the year that hopefully come 2015 - I will have become a little better at. I want to choose integrity.

“Integrity is built by defeating the temptation to be dishonest; humility grows when we refuse to be prideful; and endurance develops every time you reject the temptation to give up.”  ~ Rick Warren

This word has always been important to me. It's something I've always aimed for, but I think in 2013 - there were times where I failed miserably at it. The pressures of finishing my degree the previous summer and being completely confused, totally disheartened when I couldn't find a job in the area that I worked so ridiculously hard for but was so passionate about became too much and I regularly cracked. Though to some people, getting drunk is a normal thing - I did it too much. Admittedly, I could count on both hands how many times I did that this year, but each time it happened I felt more ashamed of myself. My lack of self control not just with that but with other things like my temper, increased. I don't want to compare my circumstances or say things like; 'well, they get drunk every weekend so I can't be that bad.' I'm not responsible for anyone else's actions but my own and I want to say that I disappointed myself.

Sometimes, it felt like the people around me really enjoyed seeing me make mistakes. It proved to them that I wasn't perfect, (which I have never EVER thought I was!!!) that I mess up too. I agree, I'm not perfect, I've got a long list of improvements that need to be made - but in some ways, maybe I use that as an excuse. I never really rebelled, I didn't do that in my teenage years because that was when I started going to Church, and I did it a bit at Uni but not that much. I used that as my occasional cover up, but never felt good doing it. Well, now those people know I get it wrong too. But that doesn't make me feel good inside. It doesn't make me feel like I'm being a good example. It makes me think that  people might remember me for the mistakes I have made. I don't like that.

So, I propose that this year is a fresh, new start. One to take the bull by the horns and to go full throttle into the plans that He has for me. I am so excited to be going back to an environment where I can be challenged to work for good. To use the skills that I have been blessed with to help improve the lives of others. To refind that spirit of self control and be proud of what I have achieved rather than feel guilty for my failings. I thrive off being productive, from reaching the last, the least and the lost. I know that's what I'm here for and I will go to the ends of the earth to do that. I don't want people to be encouraged by my shortcomings but rather by my successes, so that they might be inspired to do the same thing in their lives.

I want this year to be one in which I remember the importance of integrity every single day, so that I will always be encouraged to do better, to love more and to make the right choices. We all have our weaknesses and this blog is not a judgement of that. I am assessing my own character against the standards I feel I should be living up to, which I don't feel I did very well in 2013. But the beauty of all this, is that tomorrow is a brand new day and His mercies are new each morning.

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In which we run fully clothed into a fountain.

These words have been stalking me recently. Well, for the past year actually. For months, I have read them day in, day out wondering if I will ever put them back into practice. When I was at University, I did this a lot. My sense of adventure and excitement for spontaneity were alive and well. It didn't matter that we travelled for 8 hours down to the opposite end of the country to watch a one hour concert on the beach. Nor did it really matter that we arrived home from London at 2am to find the entire contents of our bedrooms switched around with someone else. We celebrated engagements, birthdays, jubilees, Christmas and 2-4-1 cocktails on a Thursday evening. We had weekends away, trips to the beach, journeys to the supermarket after midnight (rebellion at it's best.) We spent every night in the garden drinking cider and having BBQ's with our neighbours. We spent an entire day filling a paddling pool with water and all sat in it, just the once. We didn't really have a reason to fear the future, we were having too much fun! We were too busy enjoying the moment, making the most of where we were, because we knew that it wouldn't last forever. Those three years were for staying up until 4am most nights talking about goodness knows what, to adventure, to learn and experience, to find ourselves before the real world hit. No responsibilities, enjoying our independence. Those amazing years came and went so quickly that it already feels like a distant memory. 

I wasn't prepared for the job market to be as it has been. I have made so many plans based on 'if I get this job, I can...' or 'I'll be able to...' only to be turned down because I don't have enough experience. So, back to the drawing board. I've had a year of 'what will you do next?' 'Where will you go?' 'Why don't you move?' 'Do you really want that job?' 'Have you tried this, or that?' Truth be told, these questions have not made my life any easier! I have explored so many avenues to get where I want to be yet sometimes it feels like I am no closer. I have no answers, because I have no clue what's going on here! 

'She laughs without fear of the future...'

^

You may have gathered by now, that I have not done a lot of that lately. I recently attended a conference that focussed a lot on this. The masks that some of us hide behind; inadequacy, victim, perfection. Our constant battle to be 'worry free' when actually, a certain level of worry is both necessary and healthy - when we gain control of it. I learnt a lot that day. I realised how afraid I feel of making the wrong decision because I feel so lost. What if I regret this? What if I don't do this and wish I had? But a better question I needed to ask myself was this; when was the last time that I didn't feel afraid? 

It all hit me, one sunny day with a friend. You see, the weather has been driving England crazy lately. I know that we are infamous for moaning CONSTANTLY about the weather, but the problem is that it's so unpredictable that we are unprepared for everything. Snow, sun, rain, fog. We don't get enough of one weather type to make proper precautions so instead we just moan. It's never just right. We have had about a month of sunshine. Today, for the first time in as long as I can remember, I took a coat out with me, not only that, but an umbrella. Our homes and many of our shops, restaurants and cafés are not air conditioned, so we have all had to buy fans to prevent us from melting. Nobody is sleeping. But now the rain has started again, everybody is moaning because THE SUN HAS GONE. 

I digress. One fine day a couple of weeks ago, I was sat with a friend eating an ice-cream whilst we dipped our toes in a pool of water in the centre of Bradford. It was so hot that dipping our toes simply wasn't cutting the mustard. There were kids running through the fountains, splashing around in swimming costumes. So were there parents. I couldn't watch it, it was just torture - everything within me wanted to just run in there, regardless of the fact that I was fully clothed. So, we discussed this pickle in which we found ourselves and decided to drop off our belongings and my friends house and go back to the water to walk around in it. My friend was able to change into more sensible clothes, whereas I did not come prepared for this. We left our shoes with a random family and walked into the water:

photo credit

But that wasn't enough. There was a huge fountain spraying out in the middle that people were running through. We saw a guy run through it and I thought he didn't actually look that wet. So, we had to do it too. We ran. We got drenched. We LAUGHED. We laid down in the water, enjoying the sun for a while, in between a splash fight with a small child and another run through the giant fountain. I didn't care that I had mascara all down my face. I didn't care that my hair was dripping wet. I didn't care that we were walking through a busy city centre soaking wet. I didn't even care that I didn't have a change of clothes and I had to go home on the train.

I didn't CARE about the consequences, because I wanted to enjoy the moment. Not just dip my toes in whilst watching everyone else have fun, but to run into the fountain, fully clothed with my eyes closed. It was so liberating! Though to you, this may seem like nothing - for me it was a wake up call. I have been so caught up, worrying about which road to go down when really, I don't need to. I have allowed my worry to rob me of my JOY. This is not how it should be! 

'For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.' 2 Tim 1:7

Whatever road I go down, I will be challenged, blessed and tested. I cannot spend my days waiting for tomorrow to find joy in today. I must FULLY live now - it is a choice! I have to take steps into the un-known, not knowing what might be ahead of me and live it, do it and experience it. None of us know what tomorrow holds, but we CAN choose whether we will allow worry to rob us of our joy or if we will allow joy to eliminate our worry.

Much Love xxx

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Emotions and Smoothies.

It's funny how just last night I was thinking it had been a while since I had been inspired to write. Then something happened this morning that really forced me to sit and think, whilst calming myself down. I won't go into any detail about what happened to trigger me, but I felt so angry. It's been a while since I felt like that, I've actually been pretty chilled out for the past few weeks but sometimes it just takes one thing to change it all.

As I was walking home this morning, I got to thinking about how often I, as many of us do - act out of emotion. I know that when I feel angry, I am tempted to make rash decisions. I say that I will walk away, i've had enough, or as they say ALL the time in 'Real Housewives of Orange County' (feel free to judge me) 'I't's over, and I'm done.' I get ready to pack it all in, in that moment of anger - rather than take a step back and ride the wave. You see, there's nothing wrong with feeling these types of emotion. They are human and part of everyday life but the problem comes in what we do with them. How well do we know ourselves when it comes to calming down?

I can think of many a time where I have been tempted to act based on what i'm feeling in the moment. When I was in the last few months of my degree, I came incredibly close to walking away. I was so overwhelmed by everything; by the work load, the deadlines, the stress in my home, the effect it was having on my health - that it just all became too much. Somehow, I found the energy to finish it and I'm so pleased I did. I've had work experiences, friendships and other scenarios where i've just wanted to walk away from it rather than deal with it. Walking away in the here and now may be helpful short-term but what about in the long run? We often don't stop to consider that. I do think that this generation has a lot of trouble with commitment - I don't mean that to be an excuse but if you look at the way things are; there isn't always a lot to encourage faithfulness and loyalty in today's society. It's easier to walk away based on how I feel today than to take the time to figure things out and act more rationally, isn't it?

What I am referencing here, is acting out of negative emotion. Now, the Bible talks a lot about this, and how our lives as Christians, should go against the tide. If I am acting out of anger, annoyance, selfishness, jealousy; am I portraying anything 'different?' No. Yet I so often find myself knocking others down rather than building them up, in the heat of the moment I find only bad things that have happened and in reality that is not helping anyone's situation. I am sharing these things because I want to change. I don't want to be bitter or angry and even when I am - I don't want to tell the whole world. I want to have more self control than that! I want to build people up, bring peace, restoration, happiness, graciousness, faithfulness, joy, strength, light, change, positivity and love. I want to stand for something different that revitalises my environment and I know that at the moment, I am not doing that. I'm not saying this for sympathy or as a way for those who know me to big me up - I know that I am messing up and I no longer want to accept that! I want to be humble and honest, to show that I fail so often and fall short of the person I feel I should be.

Philippians 4:8
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever isright, whatever is pure, whatever islovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

I don't want to dwell for the rest of this post on my failings, so I thought now would be a good time to reference the smoothies. When I returned home this morning, I knew I needed to do something to chill out. Something that was helpful and a good use of my energy. So, smoothie making commenced. I would share a recipe but truthfully, I completely made it up. Smoothies are SO easy that you can afford to do that! I made about 5 times more than I had planned and had to make it in 2 batches but at least it will keep us going! I was however, a little nervous as this was the first time I've used a blender since my soup related disaster - but luckily, this experience went without a hitch. 

The phrase 'a little vanilla goes a long way' truly came into play with this as my belovéd Nielsen-Massey vanilla extract saved the day. I threw in frozen berries; strawberries, blackcurrants and raspberries, milk, ice, vanilla, a little sweetener and some mango & papaya juice as it tasted a little bitter with the unsweetened berries. Plus there's just something about drinking through paper straws that makes the world seem a better place.

If you need to relax, de-stress, take some time out - think about something you love doing and make time to do it rather than stewing on the problem. It's much better to do something constructive to get out of the bad mood you're in! Now, I feel much calmer and ready to face the rest of today, whilst getting in some of my '5 a day!'

Much Love xxx

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'God loves a cheerful giver...'

I've been thinking a lot lately about giving. Obviously, tis the season to be exchanging gifts, cards and over-eating. Christmas is by FAR my favourite time of year, and I am finally 90% all wrapped up and ready to go. I'm not going to get all preachy and defensive about what Christmas is truly about - I'll leave that to others because I want to talk about why generosity is so important, not just now - but always.

You see, I don't think generosity is merely an act more a lifestyle choice. I think that some of us are natural givers, and others are natural receivers. It is right to come to a balance in some ways, as I know I find it hard to receive things sometimes! So, what are some of the things that stop us from being generous?

Fear - 'What if I don't have enough to live off if I give this away?' Having lived off very little money for the past six months or so, I can say that I have learnt what I need and what I want. Has having little meant that I am not able to give? No. (I'm not sitting here blowing my own trumpet because each time I have got money my first reaction is usually: 'ooh I can buy a dress now.') It is easier than we might think to run fundraisers to help out charities, to put your loose change in a jar and give it away, to donate some tins of  food to local charities that help the homeless, to give a one off donation, to volunteer our time somewhere or even attend a fundraising event. When we have little - what we give is a LOT.


The Widow’s Offering

"Jesus sat down opposite the place where the offerings were put and watched the crowd putting their money into the temple treasury. Many rich people threw in large amounts. But a poor widow came and put in two very small copper coins, worth only a few cents.

Calling his disciples to him, Jesus said, “Truly I tell you, this poor widow has put more into the treasury than all the others. They all gave out of their wealth; but she, out of her poverty, put in everything—all she had to live on."

I love this story. It challenges me every single time I read it. Did she find it easy to give everything she had...probably not. Giving it away was worth more to her than keeping it in her pocket. I would imagine she probably thought it was embarrassing to give such a small amount as her offering, what difference could that amount make? Here, Jesus is asking us - why is it more of a sacrifice to give when we have a little? Because sometimes it is all we have. It means more. It is a decision to share what little we have with others. It is a decision to not hoard what we have but to open it up and enjoy it with those around us, even if it means that we ourselves go without something.

Entitlement - 'I earnt this, it's up to me what I do with it.' I get this. There's nothing wrong with saving for the future. But, when we hold on to what we have just because 'It's mine' we forget some important things. 

Treasures in Heaven

¹⁹ “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth,where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. ²⁰ But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal.²¹ For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also...
²⁴ “No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money.

When we think about our belongings in the bigger picture, we realise how temporary they really are. Is it better to spend 5 hours a day playing Fifa - or devoting that time to a friend? Which will last? Which will make an impact beyond our days? Life is so fragile, so fleeting and I want to encourage us all to think about how generous we are with our time, as well as our money/possessions. For we will never gain our time back.

I went to see one of my all time favourite bands a couple of weeks back. They are called 'Needtobreathe' and are from a small town in South Carolina. 

I'm just going to take a moment to appreciate my photograph. 

Small town Americans always remind me of Yorkshire folk because we share the same 'no nonsense' approach to life. Say it like it is, even though you may offend some people. They did a beautiful acapella version of their new song called 'Difference Maker.' I haven't stopped listening to it since I first heard it! At first, I thought I had figured out what the song meant until I saw the lead singer, Bear talk about it on a video on YouTube. 

Difference Maker

Yeah ain't it just amazing
How a God can tend a broken man
Yeah let him find a fortune
And then ruin it with his own two hands
Oh isn't it amazing
How a man can find himself alone
Calling through the darkness
For an answer that is never known
He walks on up the hill
The rock on which he stands
Looks back at the crowd
Looks down at his hands and he says
I am a difference maker

Oh I am a difference maker
Oh I am the only one who speaks to him
And I am the friendliest of friends of God

Yeah isn't it amazing
How a man can find himself alone
Calling through the darkness
For an answer that is never known
He walks on up the hill
The rock on which he stands
Looks back at the crowd
Looks down at his hands and he says
I am a difference maker

Oh I am a difference maker
Oh I am the only one that speaks to him
And I am the friendliest of friends of God

Yeah I am on the fence about
Nearly everything I've seen
And I have felt the fire
Put out with too much gasoline
And we're all strangers passing through
Places one afternoon
And life is but a vision
In a window that we're peeking thorough
A hopeless conversation
With a man who says he cares a lot
It's a hopeless confrontation
About who might throw a punch or not
But we are all transgressors
We're all sinners
We're all astronauts
So if you're beating death
Then raise your hand
And shut up if you're not

Hear it here :)

I think they're speaking about how arrogant we can be sometimes. That 'I' am a difference maker when surely it is God making a difference through me. Do I take the credit or do I send that Heavenward? God, in His perfection chose to reach out and love me yet I sit here and think about how good I am. With all my shortfalls and messups and mistakes, the only reason I continue is through His grace. Yet so often, it's all about me. Ultimately, we're all a bunch of messy people, in a broken world that hurts itself day in, day out. My duty is not to fill my life, this blesséd day that I have been given with 'things' that mean nothing. It is to bind broken hearts, offer the same grace I have received, and love until it hurts. Those are the things that last. And when I do something good it is because of Him, not me.

When we recognise that we have a GREAT responsibility in this life to value people over possessions, that is when we become truly generous. I am so blessed to spend my life with so many people who have gone out of their way to do amazing things for me. People who have put me first, saw something and thought of me, put up with sitting 4 hours in a coffee shop because I love talking so much. Those who have invited me along to things, who have missed me when I'm not there, who've text me to see if I'm ok. Those are the things that I treasure and they mean that I will always work hard to ensure I offer good friendship in return. 

'A generous person will prosper; whoever refreshes others will be refreshed.' Proverbs 11:25

The things that I have, are only on loan to me, so I can keep them to myself and enjoy them - or I can make a choice to involve others in enjoying them too. I want to encourage you to give with a joyful and thankful heart, being grateful for all that you have been given, knowing that by giving your time, efforts, or finances, you are making a bigger difference than you could ever know.

Much Love xxx

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'He restores my soul...'

Today I have had a day to myself. Sometimes, these are my favourite types of days and I started to get excited this morning at the thought of it so I thought I would share my relaxing adventure. Seeing as though I was up early, and by early I mean 9am - which is impressive considering I am way behind on sleep. I am not counting my appointment at the job centre or my 1am job application writing as exciting, but they were what spurred me on to sieze the day.


Following my appointment, I popped into Costa, where I had some time to get lost in my new book, and enjoy my favourite coffee shop drink; Skinny Vanilla Latte:

After this, I thought I would check out our health food shop - they sell such exciting food and drink that you don't get to have every day, so I treated myself to these badboys:

I had a cup of the Bright Mood tea and it was lovely, it tasted a bit Christmassy, and I LOVE CHRISTMAS.

Following this, I got out my favourite movies:

Enjoyed a bit of my guilty pleasure....

And now, I am sat with my favourite cup, watching the Olympics:

So, why am I telling you all of this? Well. Life has been a bit stressful lately, it's been a very tough adjustment and a lot of changes to cope with at once. I have filled in job application after job application and seem to be getting nowhere quickly. Losing most of my independence has been difficult and remains to be a test of my patience. Plans have been changed at the last minute, which adds to my feelings of losing control of everything. But here's the thing. Things in life don't always go our way, or the way we think they should go. Realistically, I have no idea what is around the corner. It could be anything, it might mean moving away, getting a good job and being able to afford my own place, moving in with a friend, starting over, working part time etc etc. I just don't know, and it's the first time in my life that I've felt like I don't know. I've always been in the safety net of education, meaning I knew where I would be until graduation. And now, my time in the 'real world' is actually here. In all honesty, it's pretty scary. But I know that what I need to do right now is wait. And we all love waiting don't we? Especially in this instant society, where everything I want can be at my finger tips at the push of a button. 

I went to our women's Bible study last week and we discussed this. We talked about how people would wait and wait and wait and wait for the promises they were given by God to come to fruition. They just trusted that He would be faithful, and played the waiting game. Do we know how to do this anymore? I'm not so sure. 'I want it now,' we are good at saying. But when it comes to waiting just a little while longer, we just can't do it. I'm sure in America that if your order in McDonalds takes longer than 60 seconds, you get it free - it's something ridiculous like that. We don't want to wait for quality anymore, we dont want to save up and wait for a gormet meal, we'd rather have a burger that's probably never seen a cow in its life to fill that hole as quickly as possible. What is that about? Why wouldn't we rather wait for the best? I miss the days when we used to save our pocket money up for something good at the end, it seems like that is something we have lost and I feel quite challenged by this at the moment (being a rubbish saver.)

Going back to these great folk who were good at waiting - how did they do it? 'It was by Faith.'  ¹ Faith means being sure of the things we hope for and knowing that something is real even if we do not see it. ² Faith is the reason we remember great people who lived in the past. Hebrews 11:1-2. The people listed in this chapter 'did not receive what God had promised.' But did they need to? Their Faith made these promises REAL. I am sure their reward is in heaven with them. But what does this mean for us? I think it means that we need to grow in Faith and learn to wait. I need to wait for God to provide for me in His timing, not my own. I need to have faith that my life rests in the palm of his hands, and that He is in control and not me. I need to learn to be content with my circumstances and seek his will in this difficult and unrestful time. I need to remember all the times I have not been let down by God, and hold this promise for the future.

  ^"Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28

Rest is what I need, and today - rest was what I sought. 

Much Love xxx

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