On being content.

Let's just pretend that it hasn't been 9 months since I last sat down to write, OK? Good. The past few months have felt like the craziest rollercoaster and I haven't really had much time between rides to sit and gather my thoughts. It's felt like one minute, I'm in Central Park eating PB&J sandwiches with 9 kids who've never left their city before, then I've blinked and I'm atop the Yorkshire hills with two American friends sipping on an orange and lemonade that cost me £4.50 and now I'm sat in a coffee shop in Oxford resting my weary legs having spent the day navigating through various groups of tourists who seem to have no spatial awareness.

It's hard to believe how much change I've experienced lately, how many friends I've gained and done life with for short bursts, before I've run head first into the next adventure. I think in all of this upheaval, what my heart has really been searching for is contentment. A continual feeling of knowing that right here, right now, is where I'm supposed to be. That this stop on the ride is planned and predestined and the people who surround me are meant to be there, to enjoy this season with me for however long it will last.

A few short weeks ago, I left my beloved home once again and started work in Oxfordshire. It was by no means an easy move. That 3 1/2 hour journey felt like a long and lonely one (perhaps because it took me nearly 5!) surrounded by my vacuum packed belongings, as I headed to a place I had never really planned on going. But I can feel it. The knowing that this is it, the place I've been searching for. Contentment.

Of course, life isn't all of a sudden picture perfect. There have been a couple of twists and turns so far but that is to be expected. There was just something about this move that felt inexplicably right. It wasn't part of my master plan, and I certainly didn't see it coming. My heart has always belonged to the North but I have to say, the adjustment has felt quite smooth. My accent thus far remains un-mocked, (in fact it has been enjoyed!) though it has, on occasion, been misunderstood and many natives of the South have questioned what caused me to leave the magnificent hills of Yorkshire for such a town as Didcot, to which I can only answer "this job." But there's something about being able to hop on a train at the weekend and wander through the streets that inspired the likes of Jane Austen and C.S. Lewis that suits my soul.

You see, contentment is a choice. Whether or not I thought I'd be where I am, I can chose to be happy here without yearning for somewhere else. Somewhere else could be better, but this is where I am choosing to be. We can either be constantly looking at other people's gardens, wishing ours were as lush or as well decorated as theirs, or we can tend to our own and appreciate its' beauty for what it is. It's all too easy today to become distracted by social media, as we all so willingly throw out our carefully selected highlights for the world to see but as soon as we scroll the news feeds of others, we quickly begin to feel like our adventures just aren't quite as exciting as we first thought. We devalue ourselves all too easily. We constantly try to go one better, quietly competing with each other and without realising it, we've become discontent with our gifts, talents or even lives, wishing they could be as good as we perceive others' to be. 

There is a time to nurture your own garden, to work on loving and spending time with yourself.  And in doing so, I must urge you to learn not to compare your life, your everyday comings and goings with anyone else's. We each have our own path to walk down, our own choices to make, experiences to enjoy or sometimes, endure and that is what makes us unique. We must learn to celebrate these differences, instead of feeling inadequate when we feel as though we don't quite measure up to our neighbours. In our constant comparisons, we lose so much of our own freedom to enjoy what has been gifted to us so graciously.We must learn (or sometimes, fight) to feel that we have done enough, we have enough and know that we are good enough. When we truly grasp contentment, we don't look at what our neighbour has been given and feel a lack for ourselves, because we appreciate that we have what we need, and they have what they need. We are able to celebrate the blessings received by others because we appreciate the blessings bestowed unto ourselves. 

"God has promised to supply all our needs. What we don't have now we don't need now." Elisabeth Elliot

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Retreat.

Howdy partners! I will eventually stop apologising for the lack of updates of late and just start a post like a normal person, but for now - I am sorry for the break!

This weekend, I was blessed by the gift of a retreat in a beautiful center in Quarryville, Pennsylvania. Some of the women from a Church we have worked with before, in fact I met them the very first week I arrived in Delaware when I experienced my first retreat with our kids and theirs, invited me to join them free of charge on their annual women's retreat. This one was quite a different experience than the first! It was yet again in a beautiful area and was surrounded by woodland and a heck of a lot of snow. I was so ready for some rest and time in a different environment with new faces so I was really excited to go. 

I was able to travel with some of the wonderful women I get to work with at Urban Promise and had a great time hanging out with them some more. The schedule was pretty jam packed as these weekends often are so I was most looking forward to free time on Saturday afternoon. I absolutely love walking and exploring my surroundings so I was quick to take a hike! 

Saturday was such a lovely afternoon, the sun was finally shining and the snow was melting. Of course, I didn't consider the implications of ankle deep snow melting as I was walking but miraculously, I didn't fall over once! It was so muddy and pretty difficult to walk through the paths but that just added to the adventure. 

I decided to follow the trail to see the lake as I had heard it was a pretty site. I will mention at this point that I had taken loads of photos on my camera but somehow my iPhoto imported and erased them all and they are gone from the memory card :( I guess those memories are to be stored only in my head, sorry! UPDATE: I found the photos! Alas, I always take pictures on my phone so there are some survivors. I arrived at the lake to see it was completely frozen over so I just had to imagine there was water under there:

I sat down on one of the benches like the one you see above for about 30 minutes. It was so nice just to hear the sound of the brook next to me and the birds singing. There was no-one around to talk to but I could just sit and lift my head toward the sun. It felt blissful.

The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
     He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
     he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
    for his name’s sake.

Psalm 23:1-3

As I was looking up towards the sun, I noticed a rather large bird in the distance. I watched it for a little while thinking it was just a hawk or something but then it got substantially closer, to where it was circling right above my head and I realised it was an eagle. 

I don't remember seeing one quite like this before. The way it just silently glided through the sky was quite mesmerising. I was pretty blown away! 

Even youths grow tired and weary,
    and young men stumble and fall;
 but those who hope in the Lord
    will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
    they will run and not grow weary,
    they will walk and not be faint.

Isaiah 40:30-31

After a short time relaxing, I decided I should probably move on because I wasn't sure what time the sun would be setting. I walked towards the stairs you can see in the picture above, the snow there was much deeper than it looked and the bottom half of the stairs was engulfed in snow. I realised I probably shouldn't have decided to do that but, too late! As I was out of the danger zone, I saw a sign saying 'Do you have all of your belongings?' Always a good question. I turned around to check that I did and in the distance, saw my trusty companion to every journey - my purple water bottle sitting on the bench I had been sat at. Chaos ensued in my head as I debated whether it was worth climbing back down those stairs for something so easily replaceable yet so handy. In the end, I decided to leave it thinking that if anyone took that path, they may retrieve it and we could have a beautiful reunion. 

 On with the journey. I had a map with me and felt overly confident in my ability to navigate but thought there wasn't much chance of me getting lost because my trail was only about 1.5 miles. I started to follow the path down hill after seeing a sign for the trail I was looking for. I kept walking and then came to an area which looked like it had never seen a trail before. I stopped to look around but couldn't see a sign anywhere that would point me in the right direction. Everything sort of looked the same. I started to panic slightly knowing that I had walked a fair way from the lake, had no cell phone on me  and didn't know when the sun would go down. I started to climb back up the hill through trees and branches, ducking and climbing, trying not to slip. I reached a clearing and found a big hill that looked fairly dry and I just started to run. By this point I was envisioning bears. Lots of bears. Big, huge scary bears who would eat me. Then I realised, if I were truly lost - someone would see my water bottle, my saving grace, and would find this lost, terrible map reader and rescue her. As I reached the top of the hill, I bumped into someone else from the retreat who seemed to be having the time of her life so I realised that I wasn't really lost at all. I just have a wild imagination. She encouraged me to head back and pick up my waterbottle because it matched my jumper so well. Following this logic, I took her advice and attempted the stairs once more:

Target's finest waterbottle.

Now I was back on the path I knew and loved and was able to get back to the center. I stumbled upon a friend and a cute rabbit in the nature center who 'liked to have her nose petted.' She loved that nose rubbing.

The end of an adventurous day!

We also entered daylight savings time so lost an hour of sleep which is never what you want to hear when you're still playing a game at 12:30am and breakfast is at 8am. 

To conclude, I often find that I get more out of weekends like this one when I'm wandering around outside by myself but I did really enjoy my time there with everyone else. We focussed on beauty, how we were each created uniquely, born with gifts and talents that show our attractiveness not solely based on our outward appearance. We talked about ways to let go of our fears and strongholds and move forwards in the truth that we have a beautiful creator and we are made to reflect Him, no matter what words may have been spoken over us. We also ate WAY too many snacks. But, who the heck cares. We are women and we love to snack.  

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One word for 2014

I have seen this concept scattered around a couple of blogs and felt inspired to do the same. One word, that I will reflect on throughout the year that hopefully come 2015 - I will have become a little better at. I want to choose integrity.

“Integrity is built by defeating the temptation to be dishonest; humility grows when we refuse to be prideful; and endurance develops every time you reject the temptation to give up.”  ~ Rick Warren

This word has always been important to me. It's something I've always aimed for, but I think in 2013 - there were times where I failed miserably at it. The pressures of finishing my degree the previous summer and being completely confused, totally disheartened when I couldn't find a job in the area that I worked so ridiculously hard for but was so passionate about became too much and I regularly cracked. Though to some people, getting drunk is a normal thing - I did it too much. Admittedly, I could count on both hands how many times I did that this year, but each time it happened I felt more ashamed of myself. My lack of self control not just with that but with other things like my temper, increased. I don't want to compare my circumstances or say things like; 'well, they get drunk every weekend so I can't be that bad.' I'm not responsible for anyone else's actions but my own and I want to say that I disappointed myself.

Sometimes, it felt like the people around me really enjoyed seeing me make mistakes. It proved to them that I wasn't perfect, (which I have never EVER thought I was!!!) that I mess up too. I agree, I'm not perfect, I've got a long list of improvements that need to be made - but in some ways, maybe I use that as an excuse. I never really rebelled, I didn't do that in my teenage years because that was when I started going to Church, and I did it a bit at Uni but not that much. I used that as my occasional cover up, but never felt good doing it. Well, now those people know I get it wrong too. But that doesn't make me feel good inside. It doesn't make me feel like I'm being a good example. It makes me think that  people might remember me for the mistakes I have made. I don't like that.

So, I propose that this year is a fresh, new start. One to take the bull by the horns and to go full throttle into the plans that He has for me. I am so excited to be going back to an environment where I can be challenged to work for good. To use the skills that I have been blessed with to help improve the lives of others. To refind that spirit of self control and be proud of what I have achieved rather than feel guilty for my failings. I thrive off being productive, from reaching the last, the least and the lost. I know that's what I'm here for and I will go to the ends of the earth to do that. I don't want people to be encouraged by my shortcomings but rather by my successes, so that they might be inspired to do the same thing in their lives.

I want this year to be one in which I remember the importance of integrity every single day, so that I will always be encouraged to do better, to love more and to make the right choices. We all have our weaknesses and this blog is not a judgement of that. I am assessing my own character against the standards I feel I should be living up to, which I don't feel I did very well in 2013. But the beauty of all this, is that tomorrow is a brand new day and His mercies are new each morning.

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In which we run fully clothed into a fountain.

These words have been stalking me recently. Well, for the past year actually. For months, I have read them day in, day out wondering if I will ever put them back into practice. When I was at University, I did this a lot. My sense of adventure and excitement for spontaneity were alive and well. It didn't matter that we travelled for 8 hours down to the opposite end of the country to watch a one hour concert on the beach. Nor did it really matter that we arrived home from London at 2am to find the entire contents of our bedrooms switched around with someone else. We celebrated engagements, birthdays, jubilees, Christmas and 2-4-1 cocktails on a Thursday evening. We had weekends away, trips to the beach, journeys to the supermarket after midnight (rebellion at it's best.) We spent every night in the garden drinking cider and having BBQ's with our neighbours. We spent an entire day filling a paddling pool with water and all sat in it, just the once. We didn't really have a reason to fear the future, we were having too much fun! We were too busy enjoying the moment, making the most of where we were, because we knew that it wouldn't last forever. Those three years were for staying up until 4am most nights talking about goodness knows what, to adventure, to learn and experience, to find ourselves before the real world hit. No responsibilities, enjoying our independence. Those amazing years came and went so quickly that it already feels like a distant memory. 

I wasn't prepared for the job market to be as it has been. I have made so many plans based on 'if I get this job, I can...' or 'I'll be able to...' only to be turned down because I don't have enough experience. So, back to the drawing board. I've had a year of 'what will you do next?' 'Where will you go?' 'Why don't you move?' 'Do you really want that job?' 'Have you tried this, or that?' Truth be told, these questions have not made my life any easier! I have explored so many avenues to get where I want to be yet sometimes it feels like I am no closer. I have no answers, because I have no clue what's going on here! 

'She laughs without fear of the future...'

^

You may have gathered by now, that I have not done a lot of that lately. I recently attended a conference that focussed a lot on this. The masks that some of us hide behind; inadequacy, victim, perfection. Our constant battle to be 'worry free' when actually, a certain level of worry is both necessary and healthy - when we gain control of it. I learnt a lot that day. I realised how afraid I feel of making the wrong decision because I feel so lost. What if I regret this? What if I don't do this and wish I had? But a better question I needed to ask myself was this; when was the last time that I didn't feel afraid? 

It all hit me, one sunny day with a friend. You see, the weather has been driving England crazy lately. I know that we are infamous for moaning CONSTANTLY about the weather, but the problem is that it's so unpredictable that we are unprepared for everything. Snow, sun, rain, fog. We don't get enough of one weather type to make proper precautions so instead we just moan. It's never just right. We have had about a month of sunshine. Today, for the first time in as long as I can remember, I took a coat out with me, not only that, but an umbrella. Our homes and many of our shops, restaurants and cafés are not air conditioned, so we have all had to buy fans to prevent us from melting. Nobody is sleeping. But now the rain has started again, everybody is moaning because THE SUN HAS GONE. 

I digress. One fine day a couple of weeks ago, I was sat with a friend eating an ice-cream whilst we dipped our toes in a pool of water in the centre of Bradford. It was so hot that dipping our toes simply wasn't cutting the mustard. There were kids running through the fountains, splashing around in swimming costumes. So were there parents. I couldn't watch it, it was just torture - everything within me wanted to just run in there, regardless of the fact that I was fully clothed. So, we discussed this pickle in which we found ourselves and decided to drop off our belongings and my friends house and go back to the water to walk around in it. My friend was able to change into more sensible clothes, whereas I did not come prepared for this. We left our shoes with a random family and walked into the water:

photo credit

But that wasn't enough. There was a huge fountain spraying out in the middle that people were running through. We saw a guy run through it and I thought he didn't actually look that wet. So, we had to do it too. We ran. We got drenched. We LAUGHED. We laid down in the water, enjoying the sun for a while, in between a splash fight with a small child and another run through the giant fountain. I didn't care that I had mascara all down my face. I didn't care that my hair was dripping wet. I didn't care that we were walking through a busy city centre soaking wet. I didn't even care that I didn't have a change of clothes and I had to go home on the train.

I didn't CARE about the consequences, because I wanted to enjoy the moment. Not just dip my toes in whilst watching everyone else have fun, but to run into the fountain, fully clothed with my eyes closed. It was so liberating! Though to you, this may seem like nothing - for me it was a wake up call. I have been so caught up, worrying about which road to go down when really, I don't need to. I have allowed my worry to rob me of my JOY. This is not how it should be! 

'For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.' 2 Tim 1:7

Whatever road I go down, I will be challenged, blessed and tested. I cannot spend my days waiting for tomorrow to find joy in today. I must FULLY live now - it is a choice! I have to take steps into the un-known, not knowing what might be ahead of me and live it, do it and experience it. None of us know what tomorrow holds, but we CAN choose whether we will allow worry to rob us of our joy or if we will allow joy to eliminate our worry.

Much Love xxx

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Emotions and Smoothies.

It's funny how just last night I was thinking it had been a while since I had been inspired to write. Then something happened this morning that really forced me to sit and think, whilst calming myself down. I won't go into any detail about what happened to trigger me, but I felt so angry. It's been a while since I felt like that, I've actually been pretty chilled out for the past few weeks but sometimes it just takes one thing to change it all.

As I was walking home this morning, I got to thinking about how often I, as many of us do - act out of emotion. I know that when I feel angry, I am tempted to make rash decisions. I say that I will walk away, i've had enough, or as they say ALL the time in 'Real Housewives of Orange County' (feel free to judge me) 'I't's over, and I'm done.' I get ready to pack it all in, in that moment of anger - rather than take a step back and ride the wave. You see, there's nothing wrong with feeling these types of emotion. They are human and part of everyday life but the problem comes in what we do with them. How well do we know ourselves when it comes to calming down?

I can think of many a time where I have been tempted to act based on what i'm feeling in the moment. When I was in the last few months of my degree, I came incredibly close to walking away. I was so overwhelmed by everything; by the work load, the deadlines, the stress in my home, the effect it was having on my health - that it just all became too much. Somehow, I found the energy to finish it and I'm so pleased I did. I've had work experiences, friendships and other scenarios where i've just wanted to walk away from it rather than deal with it. Walking away in the here and now may be helpful short-term but what about in the long run? We often don't stop to consider that. I do think that this generation has a lot of trouble with commitment - I don't mean that to be an excuse but if you look at the way things are; there isn't always a lot to encourage faithfulness and loyalty in today's society. It's easier to walk away based on how I feel today than to take the time to figure things out and act more rationally, isn't it?

What I am referencing here, is acting out of negative emotion. Now, the Bible talks a lot about this, and how our lives as Christians, should go against the tide. If I am acting out of anger, annoyance, selfishness, jealousy; am I portraying anything 'different?' No. Yet I so often find myself knocking others down rather than building them up, in the heat of the moment I find only bad things that have happened and in reality that is not helping anyone's situation. I am sharing these things because I want to change. I don't want to be bitter or angry and even when I am - I don't want to tell the whole world. I want to have more self control than that! I want to build people up, bring peace, restoration, happiness, graciousness, faithfulness, joy, strength, light, change, positivity and love. I want to stand for something different that revitalises my environment and I know that at the moment, I am not doing that. I'm not saying this for sympathy or as a way for those who know me to big me up - I know that I am messing up and I no longer want to accept that! I want to be humble and honest, to show that I fail so often and fall short of the person I feel I should be.

Philippians 4:8
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever isright, whatever is pure, whatever islovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

I don't want to dwell for the rest of this post on my failings, so I thought now would be a good time to reference the smoothies. When I returned home this morning, I knew I needed to do something to chill out. Something that was helpful and a good use of my energy. So, smoothie making commenced. I would share a recipe but truthfully, I completely made it up. Smoothies are SO easy that you can afford to do that! I made about 5 times more than I had planned and had to make it in 2 batches but at least it will keep us going! I was however, a little nervous as this was the first time I've used a blender since my soup related disaster - but luckily, this experience went without a hitch. 

The phrase 'a little vanilla goes a long way' truly came into play with this as my belovéd Nielsen-Massey vanilla extract saved the day. I threw in frozen berries; strawberries, blackcurrants and raspberries, milk, ice, vanilla, a little sweetener and some mango & papaya juice as it tasted a little bitter with the unsweetened berries. Plus there's just something about drinking through paper straws that makes the world seem a better place.

If you need to relax, de-stress, take some time out - think about something you love doing and make time to do it rather than stewing on the problem. It's much better to do something constructive to get out of the bad mood you're in! Now, I feel much calmer and ready to face the rest of today, whilst getting in some of my '5 a day!'

Much Love xxx

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'You Learn by Living' Part 3 - Individuality.

Learning how to 'be' yourself is something I am really interested in. It's funny how hard it is to do in such a judgemental society, one that is always telling us that we 'need' this, or that to be beautiful. That this miracle product will magically stop us from looking older, our eyes will look less puffy, our hair will be shinier or we will attract more men/women if we use a certain type of body spray. We are constantly bombarded with ways that we can improve instead of ways to help us be comfortable with who we actually are. If we aren't careful, we so easily conform to act in ways that society deems the norm and we lose ourselves. 

'We are facing a great danger today. The loss of our individuality...it's your life - but only if you make it so.'

So often when we are trying to make a decision, one of our biggest worries is 'what will other people think.' I remember when I was getting ready for a wedding recently (I get invited to a LOT of weddings) and for weeks I freaked out about the dress I had. It had everything that I loved in a dress. It had roses on it, and lace and went in at the waist. It was about knee length and could be worn comfortably with tights and nice shoes. But all I could think was 'will everyone think it's not formal enough for a wedding?' 'Will they think I didn't try hard enough to make an effort?' Even on the DAY BEFORE the wedding I spent the whole day in town searching for another dress that might be a bit more posh. In the end I stuck to my first choice. I got to the wedding and saw someone in jeans and then realised how much time I wasted thinking about such a ridiculous 'problem.' But we think like this more often than we realise. Probably on a daily basis. But we need to stop it! 

'It is a brave thing to have courage to be an individual, it is also, perhaps, a lonely thing. But it is better than not being an individual, which is to be nobody at all.'

A lot of this decision making, whether small or large, comes from a place of confidence within ourselves. I'm sure if you know me, even a little - you will have learnt a few key things about me quite quickly. I love America, tea, baking, flowers/floral prints, babies and cowboys. I am a Christian and I spend most of my spare time in coffee shops talking to people. Due to the fact that I know my tastes, people are always telling me that I'm easy to buy for...which is nice because I always make use of the gifts people give me. This kind of confidence took a while to grow, but these are the things that make me who I am. 

'Of course, this means you must have a certain confidence in your own taste. And here, I think is the key to much conformity - the lack of self-confidence that makes people fearful of following their own bent.'

Once we are confident in being ourselves, we need to let go of other fears. As we become stronger, and more able to make our own decisions - we must stop worrying what other people will think of us. I have personally struggled with this a lot recently. I've been muddling through, trying to make decisions when I have no control over what is going on. I knew there were certain things I wasn't ready for, such as moving away again or stepping into a full time Youth Work career. Of course, where I have ended up at present is not where I would've put myself but I'm enjoying the moment. I have time to work and see my friends/remain involved in working with young people plus other activities that I have found myself being a part of. I have been able to read, bake and create. I have had time to rebuild and be strengthened. All of this, I am so thankful for. It has been hard to try and explain this to others but one thing that has become apparent is this: 'if people believe in you, they will trust your motives.' I need to do what I know needs to be done, and I do not have to answer to people for my chosen actions. 

'Sooner or later, you are bound to discover that you cannot please all of the people around you all of the time. So you had better learn fairly early that you must not expect to have everyone understand what you say and what you do.'

One good way of making sure that you stick to this is by setting boundaries for yourself. Whether that be with work, home, friends, Church, family etc. If I have a day off, I work hard to make sure that I do nothing specific to my job. That time is mine, to spend how I wish with who I wish and I am responsible for ensuring that I make the most of it. If I am with a friend over coffee, I try hard not to respond to texts/phone calls from other people because that is my time to give to that one person. Everytime I go to the cinema, I switch my phone off and get lost in the movie...that's one of my favourite things to do (even though those 2 hours are the time when the whole WORLD wants to get in touch with me!) My phone goes into 'Do not Disturb' mode at 10pm so I generally don't respond until the morning unless it's an emergency. These are my ways of making sure I take a bit of time to look after myself so that I don't burnout, because then I am useless to everyone!

'Success must include 2 things: the development of an individual to his utmost potentiality and a contribution of some kind to one's world.'

I am not adding to the world's message of 'it's all about me, me, me.' The reasons I am writing this are that learning to be confident in who we are and the decisions we make should in turn, allow us to make a good contribution to the world in which we live. We will not be held back by fear and insecurity, rather we will be free to be who we were created to be and will naturally encourage others to do the same. I believe we all have a responsibility to do something useful with our lives, to educate ourselves on what is going on in the world and to offer our skills/gifts/talents to people that will truly benefit from them. To do this, we need each other. I cannot change the world single handedly, I wasn't created to do that. However when I join the work of other people that share similar passions that I do, we can make a collective difference.

'The knowledge of how little you can do alone teaches you humility.'

I have reached this place not through my own strength or my own merit. I have been incredibly blessed to do life with people who speak wisdom, who act as great friends or role models, who inspire me and speak truth to me. I couldn't, and wouldn't WANT to do life alone. Though I am an individual, I am also in community and have something to GIVE as well as to RECEIVE.

'God said, “It’s not good for the Man to be alone; I’ll make him a helper, a companion.” Genesis 2:18

Much Love xxx

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'I Am who I say I Am.'

It's been a little while since I have tip tapped; a few of us have had an unwelcome visit from a nasty but brief stomach bug, added to the general busyness of life - which meant I had little time to stop and think. Plus, now that my town has a cinema & Breaking Dawn Part 2 has been released - I've been a little preoccupied (i'm not ashamed to admit that I guess I am officially a 'twihard.')

However, I had a bit of time today after a nice conversation with my friend in my favourite quirky town to begin reading a book I had promised my friend I would take a look at so we could then discuss it. We agreed to do one chapter at a time, and the fact that I am writing after one chapter may well tell you that it is a good one! The book is here; check it out. Though I'm only just starting it has already given me some food for thought.

I know parts of it link back to posts I've written here in the past, based around trying to define ourselves with 'roles' and 'titles.' I've also written here before about one of my favourite subjects; contentment. This links to that too. I want to share this paragraph first of all:

'Jesus' sense of identity is striking. He has personal confidence, strength and security - as comfortable in urban Jerusalem as in rural Galilee. He can talk to the religious leaders of the Sanhedrin as easily as to a leper or roadside beggar. He can creatively diffuse hostile theological questions set to trap him by Scribes and Pharisees, and with equal skill calm the traumatised. Jesus is as relaxed at the meal table with tax collectors and prostitutes as he is at a banquet laid on by a local dignitary. When a woman of ill repute publicly kisses his feet, her actions cause him no embarrassment whatsoever, though everyone around is scandalised. He breaks the traditions of Sabbath keeping when he considers it necessary, but is quite happy to comply with social expectations when matters of justice or integrity are not at stake.'

I love this. It shows Jesus as a man who knew who he was. He knew what he stood for, and he was completely comfortable with that. He didn't need to answer to anyone because he was completely at ease with his identity. This meant he would relate to anyone, in exactly the same manner regardless of occupation/past/history/rank etc. This is such a great aspect to the man that Jesus was. I think it's one of the things that made him so radical. So if we are to follow this example, what do we need to do?

We need to throw off insecurity, fear, desire to please people, lack of confidence and instead; embrace who we are. The good parts and the bad parts. There are parts of me that I just can't escape - for example, i'm a complete introvert. I get energy when i'm away from people, if i've been around people for too many hours in a day I get stressed, I lose patience and I need to shut myself away and watch a film or something to sort myself out! I can't get away from that, because it is ME. I am also very honest, perhaps at times a bit too honest but it's ok, i'm also alright at apologising when I need to! I have reached a point in my life whereby I know myself, I know who I am and I comfortable with that - both inside and outside. I don't think people are often prepared to meet someone who is secure because it can appear slightly intimidating. Don't get me wrong, I am not 100% free from insecurity; but I am well aware of the insecurities I do have and I make a conscious effort to stop those getting out of control. Insecurity can most definitely be overcome & it MUST be!

One of things we are really good at is the art of comparing ourselves to others. The old, 'I wish I had hair like her,' 'If only I were as funny as he is' or 'they have it all together, why would they understand me?' I know I do it all the time. But it's not helpful for us! Instead of always looking at what others are doing/acting like we need to think about who WE are, are we being real? Are we being true to ourselves? What can I change about my thoughts to make me love who I am better? We can't ignore that loving ourselves IS important as it helps us to extend that love to others. We were not designed to hate ourselves or dislike who we are, quite the opposite. Why not channel your energy away from what you aren't, what 'they' are, and think about who you are. You are a beautiful, unique creation afterall...


I read this on a tweet this morning and thought it summed this all up very well:

"You're blessed when you're content with just who you are—no more, no less. That's the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can't be bought."
Matthew 5:5

Contentment with your situation and/or yourself is the best place you can be. It's a battle to stay there - don't get me wrong and we naturally have our up and down days but I can sit here and say that I am at ease with who I am, not defined by what I do or have done, but just because as I am me. 

http://www.minnamayblog.com/

Much Love xxx

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'Take heart, because I have overcome the world.'

It's been a while since I wrote a meaty post and this one has been brewing for a little while so I thought I should share. I've been reading this book entitled 'Stop Acting like a Christian, Just BE One.' The title immediately grabbed my attention as it reminded me of a rather life changing youth work book that for a time, I did not stop going on about called Contemplative Youth Ministry by Mark Yaconelli. It is all about 'being' in the moment with young people and preparing to dedicate long amounts of time to them as they grow. The role of the youth worker here is described as a supportive presence rather than a dictator. This is the type of philosophy I love and I will mention this again later.

Truth

Back to Christine Caine. What I love so far about her book is that she peels back the layers of Christianity - showing it as something that isn't just portrayed through our actions and choices but rather our heart attitude. This is very true. I think sometimes we look at each others actions such as drinking, smoking, swearing and start to question each others' 'walk with God' (which is a phrase we use too often!) instead of getting to know the heart attitude behind those actions.

One of my favourite ever CU meetings at Chester University will never leave my memory. I remember getting up and grabbing the mic because it was the first time I'd ever thought that this is what it should look like. That particular week people were sharing their hardships, hurts from the past, shedding tears etc. It was messy. But shouldn't it be like that all the time? When we share our hurts and hardships, we begin to open wounds, which will then in-turn allow the healing process to begin. In Church or at Christian gatherings, we should absolutely feel comfortable enough to be able to share what is really going on because we are a family! Families as you may know, are not always plain sailing! Church is not a place that we should go to on a Sunday with a well rehearsed smile and a preset answer of 'i'm fine' if deep down, you're really not.

Not only this, but we also tend to forget that just because we are Christians that does not by any means go to say that we do not make mistakes. I think we have a fear of showing our mistakes, and acknowledging that we will always make them. We get so caught up in 'appearing' to have it all together instead of being true to how our heart is really feeling and this has to stop.

Heart

I mess up all the time. As a student in recovery, sometimes I still accidentally drink just one too many cocktails. Sometimes, I am too quick to react which brings frustration without me knowing the full story. Sometimes I struggle to understand and accept other people's opinions if I think they are wrong. If you wake me up in a morning before I am ready to face the day - you will not get a pleasant response. There you go. Those are some parts of me that could do with some tweaking. But here's the thing. If I drink too much one time - does that mean my Faith is falling apart? If I'm getting annoyed at someone, should I lose my seat in Church? If I throw something at you because you wake me up (which I have never done haha!) have I lost my place in Heaven? Let's think about this.

When you begin to look past my actions, good or bad what does my heart say? You will find that my heart says thank you. Thank you God that even when I am bad, you are always good. Thank you God that even when my head and my heart are a mess you look upon me and see the child you created in love. Thank you God that no matter what I do, nothing will ever break the bond of love that you and I share. Christine writes:

'To keep our hearts alive and vibrant, we need to maintain an attitude of gratitude and thanksgiving. As Paul says, we must "Thank [God] in everything [no matter what the circumstances may be, be thankful and give thanks], for this is the will of God for you [who are] in Christ Jesus [the Revealer and Mediator of that will]" (1 Thess. 5:18 Amp) Loving God with all our heart flows from a heartfelt gratitude to God for who He is and for all He continues to do.'

Life

Every day I am thankful for the Grace and Forgiveness poured upon me from God through Jesus. At the core of Christianity is the ache of God's heart for us to share this love that He has poured on us with those who do not yet know it. It is our duty to include everyone within that and not to promote a lifestyle that on the surface looks perfect with a heart that is not genuine. Our lifestyle is not supposed to be unattainable to those who do not follow it because the Church primarily exists for its non-members. When we talk about being 'in and not of' the world we must be careful because we cannot alienate ourselves and form an elite that 'have all the answers.' We cannot take ourselves out of our communities and separate ourselves from 'non-Christians,' rather we should be in the middle of it! We are just trying to make our way through life like everybody else is, with a few differences. We cannot create a Christian sub-culture that will reach to a far away country and not to our next door neighbour.

Love

It doesn't take a lot of searching to find that at the core of what we as Christians do should be motivation by the love of God.

'Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins'

The kind of love that I feel burdened to carry is one that waits. I know my journey to Faith took a long time to form and was not an instantaneous response like some. I took time to build up trust, to ask questions (as I still do as I think that is healthy!), to let down barriers and to believe that this was what I believed to be the truth. I therefore - as I mentioned earlier carry a philosophy that allows people to take time to decide whether Christianity is what they want to follow, to go off and make mistakes and one day return and enjoy speaking to people at length about what I believe and why and give them the space to do the same things. A relationship with God is like any other - it requires trust, time, effort, patience and honesty and I don't think all those things form over night. That is how I feel - you may feel differently but that is fine as the body needs all its parts to function so we all play a different role and have different ways of doing things such as Evangelism. 

Hope

Christianity gives me hope that I exist for a purpose bigger than for myself and my own gratification. The world owes me nothing - I owe God everything. I believe He showed me what life is. He told me that my actions have the power to influence those around me and it is my choice whether that is for good or bad. I am urged to choose good. Each day I hope that the love I carry shines brightly and that it continually grows so that I can stand up for injustice and reach those who are lost and alone. Through grace, I have been spared that and I think others should be too. In times of testing, I am never pushed too far though sometimes I feel like I am. On a bad day, I am always blessed with something good, whether that be through a friend or a good cup of tea. I am blessed with so many people who have made sacrifices for me and have helped me in a time of need and I want to be able to return that to people I meet. Nothing you have done is big enough or bad enough to stop you re-forming a relationship with your creator.

My final thought is this, however hard I may find things, however lost I may feel or however far I am pushed to my limit:

'He knows where I am going. And when He tests me, I will come out as pure as gold.' Job 23:10 Not on my own merit - but through Jesus.

Much Love xxx

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